Sunday, December 31, 2006

Maternity Leave

A belated happy b-day to the big guy up there. Seeing as how Sunday is the last day of two-double-O-six and Monday being the first day of two-doube-O-upside -down-and-backwards-L, these two days seem like an appropriate time to join every other major media outlet and offer a retrospective on the last Year of the Dog until 2018. Yes, International Asperger's Year (designated as such to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr. Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome) has provided us with some jolly laughs and even jollier heartaches. Granted, the ball hasn't dropped yet, but it seems the only thing we've missed out on is a good one-liner disaster... you know, one of those horrendous events that will, for the next 50 years, be associated with a specific word or phrase, like Katrina, 9- 11, or Mike Tyson. For funsies, let's take a retrospective moment to remember those things our collective American short attention spans have already forgotten about.

[Cue cheesy yet oddly inspiring music...]

January 3: 12 deceased coal miners and one survivor were discovered in the Sago Mine Disaster, effectively tripling West Virginia's tourism revenues for the year and helping launch the state's new catch phrase: "West Virginia Isn't For Coal Miners."

January 5: A hotel in Mecca collapses, killing 76 pilgrims, or as President Bush would prefer to call them, "Evil Doers."

January 14: A natural gas explosion in a coal mine kills eight in Romania, eventually leading to a copyright infringement lawsuit on the "Romania Isn't For Coal Miners" slogan the country tried to adopt after the disaster.

January 22: Kobe Bryant scores 81 points in a regulation NBA game, officially doubling the entire season points output for the 2006 Oakland Raiders.

Februrary 8, 9:43 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a Grammy Award.

Februrary 8, 9:44 PM: Hell freezes over.

Februrary 8, 9:57 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a second Grammy Award. Februrary 8, 9:58 PM: Satan abdicates his throne.

February 11: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face before moving into the recently vacated position of Dark Prince and Ruler of the Underworld.

February 19: Sixty-five miners become trapped underground after an explosion at the Pasta de Conchos mine in Nueva Rosita, Mexico. All 65 die in episode three of 2006's least watched realty television series, Fox's "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"

February 22: The 1 billionth song is purchased from the Apple iTunes Store, prompting Steve Jobs to make his highly controversial, "Suck it, Bill Gates!" statement, a quote the media took way out of context.

March 3: The first World Baseball Classic opens, eventually resulting in the humiliation of the United States and finalizing the demise of baseball in the very country that claims it as its National Past Time.

March 5: Reese Witherspoon wins the Oscar for Best Actress, but the reflection of the sun off new Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney's head keeps Hell from freezing over again.

April 11: President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmandinejad confirms that Iran has successfully produced a few grams of 3.5% low-grade enriched uranium. After the media firestorm, he sentences 27 members of the Iranian press to death for "Not properly photoshoping my giant nose so it doesn't look so Jewish."

May 1: The Great American Boycott takes place across the United States as illegal immigrants all over the country skip work in a protest for immigration rights. The only noticeable result: lawns across America were slightly longer than usual when the immigrants reutrned to work to cut them the next day.

May 9: Another mine disaster... this one in Australia. Mexico's body count still leads all contenders.

June 19: The Carolina Hurricanes defeat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. For many people, this news was the first indication that the NHL strike was over, and that North Carolina had a professional hockey team.

Happy New Year's Eve! Make sure to check in tomorrow for July to December... Now I got a Dreamcicle calling my name... My fourth actually.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Rumsfeld

This is just too funny!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

One of Them


This is all your fault my dear Cerpts! Although it was a long road to get my list together for this blog it was an even longer road for yours. So here is a list for you to go through, you know what to do with the copy and pastin stuff!


Barry Manilow Weekend in New England
Johnny Cash Sunday Morning Coming Down
Patsy Cline She's Got You
Beatles Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/End
Kingston Trio Wimoweh (Mbube)
Ray Charles America The Beautiful
Beastie Boys Sabotage
Moody Blues The Question
Doors Moonlight Drive
Neil Diamond I Am...I Said
The Who Happy Jack
Rod Stewart Some Guys Have All The Luck
Tom Jones Delilah
Cat Stevens Wild World
Bread Diary
Cream/Derek And The Dominoes/Eric Clapton Wonderful Tonight
Billy Joel Say Goodbye to Hollywood
Eagles Heartache Tonight
Van Halen Little Guitars
Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here
John Denver Annie's Song
Abba Waterloo
Bee Gees I Started A Joke
Blue Oyster Cult (Don't Fear) The Reaper
Renaissance Carpet Of The Sun
Hall And Oats Don't Hold Back Your Love
Heart These Dreams
Bonnie Raitt Have A Heart
Rush Tom Sawyer
Meatloaf You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
Alanis Morisette Uninvited
Dusty Springfield Son Of A Preacher Man
Buffalo Springfield For What It's Worth
Rick Springfield April 24th/My Father's Chair
Bruce Springsteen Bobby Jean
Journey Stone In Love
Willie Nelson Pancho And Lefty
AC/DC Who Made Who
Bob Segar Like A Rock
Billy Idol Cradle Of Love
U2 Bad
Air Supply Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
Bon Jovi Silent Night (no, not the Christmas song!)
Kate Bush Under Ice
Madonna True Blue
Ozzy Osbourne Old L.A. Tonight
George Michael/Wham Different Corner
Beach Boys Don't Worry Baby
Guns N Roses November Rain
Indigo Girls Galileo
Red Hot Chili Peppers The Zephyr Song
Radiohead Creep
Dave Matthews Don't Drink The Water
Blink 182 Miss You
Greenday Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Long Con


20 ways the world would be different if men ran things.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in vodka or schnapps flavors.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same although it would be celebrated 4 times a year.

5. Garbage would take itself out.

6. Regis and Kathie Lee (or who whoever his partner is this week) would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. Two words... Free Sex.

11. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again, ever.

12. Every man would get a real Get Out of Jail Free card per year.

13. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

14. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

15. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

16. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

17. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

19. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and land right in your car.

20. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

21. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

22. 21 would be an acceptable number even though you said 20 but thought of one more right before you posted your blog