S.O.S

"That's about the size of it." - C. Rice

Overstating Our Union

We apologize for the inconvenient interruption of your normally scheduled blog, but I couldn't help it. This is the play-by-play of the State of the Union address since it was on every channel except for TBS or Spike and Ultimate Fighter and Seinfeld reruns just wasn't doing it for me last night.

9:04 President is officially announced.

9:10 President makes entrance claims delay was because quote "American Idol is such a damn good show, ain't it Dick? Heh Heh, I said dick."

9:11 News guy tells me that some congressmen (and women) get in early, some as much as three hours early, to get the primo handshake seats for photo ops. Apparently they feel that in two years when I go to the polls I'm going to remember the guy who was on tv for two seconds shaking the President's hand as he walked down the aisle to give his state of the union. Of course I'm not going to remember anything about health care reform or the War on Terror (there's that capitalization trauma I put on myself again). I'll just remember that guy shaking GW's hand. Yeah okay, keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep better.

9:12: I notice the president is wearing a Carolina-blue tie. I hate Carolina-blue. Therefore I now hate George Bush. Is that a demonstration of the properties of a transitive equation? I don't know where that last part came from.

9:15: Fuckers are still cheering. Is this real, or faked? I think the Speaker of the house definitely looks like she's faking it. (By the way, does anyone else think Nancy Pelosi is kinda hot, at least as far as Speakers of the House go?).

9:16: Ooh... Madam Speaker... I love it when you bang that gavel. Let the games begin.

9:17: GW just said aloud he was proud to begin his speech by saying "Madam Speaker." I wonder what he's thinking in his head? If it was Clinton, I'd say I know what he's thinking in his head. "Giggidy, giggidy!"

9:19: I wonder if half the senators need hip replacements after every State of the Union the way they make those old geezers stand up and sit down so much.

9:21: Nancy (the Speaker broad, not Reagan) can't stop blinking. Why is she blinking so much? Does she even realize she's doing it? It's more distracting than the reflection off Dick Cheney's bald spot for Christ sake.

9:22: Guess we're gonna start with that pesky economy thing the prez has to deal with every year. Everyone's clapping because GW wants to balance the budget. That's good news, I guess. Good luck with that, George. I wouldn't trust you to balance my friggin' check book!

9:23: Apparently the Democrats didn't want to applaud Bush when he said he wasn't going to raise taxes. Either the Democrats want to raise taxes (wouldn't surprise me), or they remember the elder Bush saying the same thing. I'm still going to go with the former... Democrats seem to hate rich people.

9:24: Close up on Hillary in her little pink shirt. She looks like she's zoned out. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably wondering if anyone would notice her flicking Barack Obama on the ear. I bet that's why she sat behind him. Speaking of Barack (who the hell named this guy anyway?), does he realize he's automatically at a disadvantage cause of that name. Just change the "B" to an "S" and it's a whole new ballgame folks!

9:25: Senator Kennedy is sleeping. Everyone in Vegas who took under 15 minutes wins.

9:26: I begin to wonder if GW would have been one of the "slower" kids benefiting from "No Child Left Behind" if the program existed when he was growing up?

9:27: Even Dick Cheney doesn't look excited about re-authorizing no child left behind. But come to think of it, I can't remember if I've ever seen Dick Cheney excited about anything, except for that whole shooting his buddy thing. Oh, and by the way last time we checked, his daughter's still a lesbian, and he hates that fact!

9:28: Camera looks to Hillary as the president talks about crappy healthcare. I think she's blushing a little. That's right bitch, no one's forgotten that you're the one who screwed that up. But I still might vote or you.

9:29: I recognize more faces on the field of an arena football game than I do at the floor of the State of the Union. Is that a bad thing? And was that Dikembe Mutumbo (look him up if you need, want, or care to) sitting next to Laura Bush? Couldn't have been. I must be getting tired!

9:30: I think John McCain is winking at the President. Is this some sort of secret code? Or is he actually just winking at Nancy who happens to be behind the President? At least that might help explain all her blinking.

9:31: I swear I just saw Hillary flick Barack Obama in the ear. Did anyone else see that? I can't wait for the presidential primaries next year.

9:33: That looked like the most uncomfortable sip of water I've ever seen. Do you think it was actually written into his speech? You know, like when a pornstar is finished sucking a guy and he's ready to shove it up her fleshy pink pie, but instead he has to spend the next five minutes feasting on the yeast because it's in the script, and it's the most uncomfortable and un-arousing part of the entire scene. And did I just compare the State of the Union to a porno?

9:36: Did I just hear Dub say: "I'd like to announce I am officially hiring Jack Bauer to head our Homeland Security department."? He does know 24 is a tv show, right?

9:38: Nancy, for the Love of God, STOP BLINKING!!!!!! I think it's going to cause me to have a seizure.

9:39: I know he keeps saying Shiite, but it sounds like he's saying Shit. Is the State of the Union really supposed to be this funny? I'm not even drinking. Though next year, remind me to make up a drinking game for it.

9:40: Good news, everyone applauded when GW said we have to protect the American people. I'm glad to know both Democrats and Republicans like protecting the American people. But honestly, I think the line GW used was stolen straight from a conversation I had over the phone the other day with an old high school buddy who happens to be Muslim. Coincidence? Or violation or privacy rights? You decide.

9:41: I think Condoleezza is constipated (or just really scared of the Frankenstein-looking guy sitting next to her).

9:42: John McCain is definitely asleep. But what can you expect? He's a geriatric from Arizona. It's 9:42. This is way past his bed time.

9:44: George Bush says, "Everyone here wishes this war were over and won." This from the same guy who declared victory how many years ago?

9:47: GW uses the word "terrorist" or some variation of it four times in two minutes. In a side note, according to Random House Dictionary, a terrorist is: "a person who terrorizes or frightens others." I wonder, does that mean George Bush is considered a terrorist in Iraq? Methinks yes.

9:50: Haha... Bush just said the word "duties."

9:56: Shit... phone call. I'm back. What did I miss? Nancy still blinking? Check. President still pursing his lips at every pause? Check? Dick Cheney still not breathing? Check. Good, I didn't miss anything.

9:57: Dikembe Mutumbo is sitting next to Laura Bush at the State of the Union. I'm not crazy. And my friend Russell owes me five bucks.

9:58: Why did GW just refer to Dikembe as a "Son of the Congo?" Isn't that an insult? Can I start referring to my black friends as sons or daughters of whatever African nation their ancestors were from? Or better yet, why don't I just start doing it to everyone. My friend Russell will no longer be called Russell, and instead referred to as: "Son of Westchester." Yo, Son of Westchester... where's my five bucks?

9:59: I'm disappointed in myself. I recognized Dikembe right away, but I totally botched the "Julie Aigner, creator of Baby Einstein" call. Oddly enough, I now owe Russell 15 bucks. On a somewhat related note, I knew I wasn't crazy thinking my conversations with Russell have been getting a bit more advanced lately.

10:02: John Kerry just high-tailed it out of that chamber floor faster than a diabetic at the Krispy Kreme factory. I didn't know he could move that fast.

10:04: I think GW just pinched Condoleezza's ass. You lucky, lucky bastard.

10:05: What's the going rate for an autograph from the President of the United States? I just bet Russell, double or nothing, that one of those programs he's signing shows up on Ebay within the next week.

10:06: And that's it for the most exciting hour on television, folks. Tomorrow, it's back to your regularly scheduled program.

The Official 2007 Super Bowl Party Online Invite

Dave

Well, seeing as how the Eagles shot their collective wad when they went and lost in the Big Sleazy, (I still say the fix was in!) it means I now get to turn my attention to the Super Bowl. Super Bowl XLI, to be exact. Another one where the best part of it will be the commercials and of course the party that comes with it. That also includes the people there, I'm lookin' at you now Cerpts and, hell, Fink too if his little "ball and chain" he calls a fiance will let him come out for the party. In fact, bring her too since I ain't got the chance to check her out yet. Oh and Cerpts, since I could only come up with the blueberry buckle part of your request, I thought maybe this pic of Mrs. Monaghan would suffice. A short pause while we take another gander at her ... ahh ... that's good eatin right there. OK, back to your normally scheduled blog entry. The week of the Super Bowl will be an awesome week this year. Read on for actual proof. We got the Super Bowl on Sunday February 4th, we got the second half premier of the winter or spring or whatever the frigg they are calling this next bunch of Lost episodes on Wednesday the 7th, then the next night the 8th we have the new season of Survivor starting. This season is in Fiji. This of course is not mentioning the usual collection of Boob Tuberific programming that I also enjoy on a daily basis. The Super Bowl party is gonna make for a great way to kick off the beginning of the spring season, yeah I said spring. It will only be a matter of a few weeks before we turn the clocks ahead since they went and changed when we do that now. Before I get ahead of myself, I want to share some of the philosophy that goes into making a great Super Bowl party, and I've been to and thrown many. One thing they all had in common weather there were a dozen people or two guys at the party they were fun. Cerpts of course has been at all of them, so at the two guy party you can figure out the guest list. That was the very first Super Bowl party for Super Bowl XXX way back in 1995; Dallas vs. Pittsburgh. There is always plenty of food, and the games we play are fun and enjoyable even if the actual football game isn't! So now over twelve years later I'm back at it with more games, more food, and more fun. Still working on that half time entertainment, never know if this will be the year we get the stripper. So yes Cerpts, you are invited, but how the hell do you expect an invite to something that you are a foundational (is that a word? well it is now!) part of? Funny, here's the guy who was the Best Man at my wedding (we all know how that turned out don't we folks) and he gets more excited about a stinkin' Super Bowl (I'm gettin' tired of capitalizing that, but you just gotta, man!) party than he was about that day. Of course at the party it won't be 114 degrees and he probably won't be in a tuxedo so I can see his point. Of course one can never tell can one? The traditional Super Bowl Party is probably the least fussy, most unpretentious party you can go to all year. So, there is no point in holding anything back! Go all out and serve everyone's favorite high fat, finger-licking snack foods. After all, the television set is the focal point, not the food. Or is it? Thinking about the traditional party food for this event- chips, sour cream or cheese dips (onion soup dip springs to mind), chili, salsa, Buffalo wings, cheese balls or curls, pizza (the Domino's kind, thank you very much, not the goat cheese and smoked pheasant kind) - I wonder whether these items are served because they're easy to serve and eat while watching the game, or because this has become the one event where Americans can eat their favorite foods without guilt. Men take the lead at this party, and their tastes have set the tone for the snacks as well as the entertainment. So ladies, LET US! Let's all eat what we enjoy and forget about the diet ramifications or culinary trends at lest for one day! The official online invitation to be posted soon!

Lockdown

It's difficult to figure out why I have to be the one to find this stuff, (or hear about it as is the case here) and although a bit late, I still need to share my findings. I originally heard about this on the morning of Christmas Eve this year, did a little research myself, and basically forgot about it. Well, it has resurfaced and so I shall share.

The Caganer - a wholesome and fun Catalan addition to the typical Christmas creche figurine family. The traditional caganer (that's him over there <<<<>>>>>) is an old Catalan man with a red hat and canvas shoes squatting and taking a dump in the manger. Over time, the theme has expanded to include sumo wrestlers, Santa, the Devil, the Pope, Dali, and soccer fans, just to name a few. He is considered a fertility symbol.

In Barcelona there's a temporary market of stalls in the Placa Nova which sell the caganers and a host of other Christmas paraphernalia, including the next member of the Catalan Christmas family: Caga Tio. Caga tio comes in many sizes, but generally looks just like our new friend, sans the pipe. Customs surrounding caga tio differ, but all agree, caga tio means "shit log." (That's the Caga Tio up top ^^^^^)

Here I relay to you what I think is the full blown caga tio ritual.

Fifteen days before Christmas, caga tio makes his appearance in the dining room, where he must be fed at least once every day. He likes oranges, crackers and sweet wine. In some families, caga tio starts small, but grows as the days progress toward Christmas. At some point, caga tio is moved out of the dining room, into the living room, and covered with a blanket to keep him warm. On Christmas Eve, before the traditional Christmas dinner, the kids are sent to their rooms to say three Our Fathers, which gives the elders enough time to stash presents under caga tio's blanket. After their prayers are done, the kids return to the living room and start beating the hell out of poor caga tio with big sticks. And they sing a song. One version goes "Shit, log, shit! If you don't shit well, we will whack you again!" Another goes "Log, log, shit candy! If you don't shit for Christmas, we will whack you once more!" After the children have gotten their fill of flogging the log, the blanket is removed to determine caga tio's state of digestion. Typically, a miracle has occurred, and the log has pooped wrapped gifts, which are called "the shits." Often one of the shits will be something weird, like an egg, to let everyone know that it was the last one deposited by caga tio.

I'm getting one of each fo next Christmas!

The Whole Truth

Happy New Year! Time to continue the "Year In Review" retrospective.

July to December

July 5: North Korea test fires a long-range missile capable of reaching the U.S. Mainland, but just like North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, it fizzles out and falls short (zing!).

July 23: Floyd Landis wins Tour de France.

July 27: While appearing on TV to declare he never used performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis's testicles fall off.

July 31: Fidel Castro temporarily relinquishes power to his brother due to illness. Cubans everywhere take to the streets to pray for their leader's return to health (the soldiers holding automatic weapons aimed at the "grievers" are "accidentally" stationed behind the cameras).

August 10: London police arrest 21 people in connection to an alleged terrorist plot with designs to blow-up US-bound airliners. Alcoholics everywhere join smokers in mourning the loss of their ability to carry their favorite vice with them onto airplanes.

August 11: A resolution to end the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict is unanimously accepted by the United Nations prompting Iran's President to request of his secretary, "Can you print that new UN Resolution for me on two-ply?" Kim Jong-Il reportedly made a similar comment.

August 24: Pluto is demoted to the status of "dwarf planet" more than 70 years after its discovery. Pluto was not immediately available for comment, but lawyers for the Planet have filed a grievance in court requesting the term "dwarf planet" be changed to "circumferencly challenged" or "gravitationally limited."

September 4: Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies. Only one man had the winning Vegas bookmakers "Age-Animal death" combination of "Stingray/Age 44," winning a total of $355,000.

September 10: Seven-time World Champion Michael Schumacher announces his retirement from the sport of Formula 1 for the end of the year. Auto racing fans across Europe celebrated the achievement of one of the greatest drivers in history. Auto racing fans across America continued drinking their Busch Light and perfecting their "how to hit a woman without causing visible signs of bruising" techniques.

September 12: Pope Benedict XVI gives a lecture quoting an ancient criticism of the Islam faith. Muslims around the world get angry and threaten to harm Westernized nations. Naturally, the threat of violence from angry Muslims shocked many Americans and Europeans, prompting this comment from one concerned Arizona man: "Shut up and lower gas prices."

September 19: The Royal Thai Army stages a military coup in Thailand. Thailand's lucrative child-sex-tourism industry remains unaffected.

September 29: U.S. Representative Mark Foley resigns after the revelation of explicit emails he had been sending to underage male pages. Representative Foley was later seen boarding a plane bound for Thailand.

October 9: North Korea claims to have conducted its first ever nuclear test, winning the $10 "who can develop a nuke first" bet Kim Jong-Il had with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad.

October 15: The UN imposes sanctions on North Korea. President Ahmandinejad points and laughs.

October 31: Bob Barker announces his retirement from The Price is Right. Most traumatic day in American History since 9-11.

November 3: Ted Haggard resigns as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after allegations of methamphetamine use and sex with a male prostitute. Guess that one doesn't need a punch line now does it.

November 5: Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity. Immediately after the sentencing, Hussein allegedly was heard muttering the phrase, "I knew I should have hired Johnnie Cochran."

November 8: A transit of Mercury occurs. I have no idea what that means, but because it's scientific and it sounds important I though it might be worth noting in a "Year in Review".

November 21: A gas explosion in a Polish coal mine kills 23 in the season finale of "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"... surprisingly, Fox's most-watched show despite it's disappointing ratings.

December 11: The Holocaust conference is opened in Tehran, Iran by Mahmoud Ahmandinejad the same day a note from President Ahmandinejad is delivered to Korean leader Kim Jong-Il with the phrase, "20 bucks says I can still piss them off enough to invade my country before yours."

December 30: Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is hung for crimes against humanity. Haters of evil around the world celebrated. But perhaps the biggest celebration took place in Hell, where Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Stalin were excited to finally replace Pontius Pilate at their Tuesday night bridge games, explaining, "We're tired of him trying to convince us his one kill trumps all ours combined."

It sure was a kooky year, wasn't it? Here's to making 2007 even crazier!

Maternity Leave

A belated happy b-day to the big guy up there. Seeing as how Sunday is the last day of two-double-O-six and Monday being the first day of two-doube-O-upside -down-and-backwards-L, these two days seem like an appropriate time to join every other major media outlet and offer a retrospective on the last Year of the Dog until 2018. Yes, International Asperger's Year (designated as such to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr. Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome) has provided us with some jolly laughs and even jollier heartaches. Granted, the ball hasn't dropped yet, but it seems the only thing we've missed out on is a good one-liner disaster... you know, one of those horrendous events that will, for the next 50 years, be associated with a specific word or phrase, like Katrina, 9- 11, or Mike Tyson. For funsies, let's take a retrospective moment to remember those things our collective American short attention spans have already forgotten about.

[Cue cheesy yet oddly inspiring music...]

January 3: 12 deceased coal miners and one survivor were discovered in the Sago Mine Disaster, effectively tripling West Virginia's tourism revenues for the year and helping launch the state's new catch phrase: "West Virginia Isn't For Coal Miners."

January 5: A hotel in Mecca collapses, killing 76 pilgrims, or as President Bush would prefer to call them, "Evil Doers."

January 14: A natural gas explosion in a coal mine kills eight in Romania, eventually leading to a copyright infringement lawsuit on the "Romania Isn't For Coal Miners" slogan the country tried to adopt after the disaster.

January 22: Kobe Bryant scores 81 points in a regulation NBA game, officially doubling the entire season points output for the 2006 Oakland Raiders.

Februrary 8, 9:43 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a Grammy Award.

Februrary 8, 9:44 PM: Hell freezes over.

Februrary 8, 9:57 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a second Grammy Award. Februrary 8, 9:58 PM: Satan abdicates his throne.

February 11: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face before moving into the recently vacated position of Dark Prince and Ruler of the Underworld.

February 19: Sixty-five miners become trapped underground after an explosion at the Pasta de Conchos mine in Nueva Rosita, Mexico. All 65 die in episode three of 2006's least watched realty television series, Fox's "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"

February 22: The 1 billionth song is purchased from the Apple iTunes Store, prompting Steve Jobs to make his highly controversial, "Suck it, Bill Gates!" statement, a quote the media took way out of context.

March 3: The first World Baseball Classic opens, eventually resulting in the humiliation of the United States and finalizing the demise of baseball in the very country that claims it as its National Past Time.

March 5: Reese Witherspoon wins the Oscar for Best Actress, but the reflection of the sun off new Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney's head keeps Hell from freezing over again.

April 11: President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmandinejad confirms that Iran has successfully produced a few grams of 3.5% low-grade enriched uranium. After the media firestorm, he sentences 27 members of the Iranian press to death for "Not properly photoshoping my giant nose so it doesn't look so Jewish."

May 1: The Great American Boycott takes place across the United States as illegal immigrants all over the country skip work in a protest for immigration rights. The only noticeable result: lawns across America were slightly longer than usual when the immigrants reutrned to work to cut them the next day.

May 9: Another mine disaster... this one in Australia. Mexico's body count still leads all contenders.

June 19: The Carolina Hurricanes defeat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. For many people, this news was the first indication that the NHL strike was over, and that North Carolina had a professional hockey team.

Happy New Year's Eve! Make sure to check in tomorrow for July to December... Now I got a Dreamcicle calling my name... My fourth actually.

Rumsfeld

This is just too funny!

One of Them

This is all your fault my dear Cerpts! Although it was a long road to get my list together for this blog it was an even longer road for yours. So here is a list for you to go through, you know what to do with the copy and pastin stuff!


Barry Manilow Weekend in New England
Johnny Cash Sunday Morning Coming Down
Patsy Cline She's Got You
Beatles Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/End
Kingston Trio Wimoweh (Mbube)
Ray Charles America The Beautiful
Beastie Boys Sabotage
Moody Blues The Question
Doors Moonlight Drive
Neil Diamond I Am...I Said
The Who Happy Jack
Rod Stewart Some Guys Have All The Luck
Tom Jones Delilah
Cat Stevens Wild World
Bread Diary
Cream/Derek And The Dominoes/Eric Clapton Wonderful Tonight
Billy Joel Say Goodbye to Hollywood
Eagles Heartache Tonight
Van Halen Little Guitars
Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here
John Denver Annie's Song
Abba Waterloo
Bee Gees I Started A Joke
Blue Oyster Cult (Don't Fear) The Reaper
Renaissance Carpet Of The Sun
Hall And Oats Don't Hold Back Your Love
Heart These Dreams
Bonnie Raitt Have A Heart
Rush Tom Sawyer
Meatloaf You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
Alanis Morisette Uninvited
Dusty Springfield Son Of A Preacher Man
Buffalo Springfield For What It's Worth
Rick Springfield April 24th/My Father's Chair
Bruce Springsteen Bobby Jean
Journey Stone In Love
Willie Nelson Pancho And Lefty
AC/DC Who Made Who
Bob Segar Like A Rock
Billy Idol Cradle Of Love
U2 Bad
Air Supply Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
Bon Jovi Silent Night (no, not the Christmas song!)
Kate Bush Under Ice
Madonna True Blue
Ozzy Osbourne Old L.A. Tonight
George Michael/Wham Different Corner
Beach Boys Don't Worry Baby
Guns N Roses November Rain
Indigo Girls Galileo
Red Hot Chili Peppers The Zephyr Song
Radiohead Creep
Dave Matthews Don't Drink The Water
Blink 182 Miss You
Greenday Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

The Long Con

20 ways the world would be different if men ran things.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in vodka or schnapps flavors.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same although it would be celebrated 4 times a year.

5. Garbage would take itself out.

6. Regis and Kathie Lee (or who whoever his partner is this week) would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. Two words... Free Sex.

11. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again, ever.

12. Every man would get a real Get Out of Jail Free card per year.

13. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

14. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

15. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

16. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

17. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

19. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and land right in your car.

20. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

21. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

22. 21 would be an acceptable number even though you said 20 but thought of one more right before you posted your blog

Fire + Water

Ok I know I said I would have a review of the rest of the first few fall episodes of Lost but I haven't yet. So what? Instad I have a really cool list I found it is the top TV catch phrases of all time. Some I agree with some not so much. Seewhat you think. Oh and they are listed alphabetical which yu woud have figured out sooner or later anywho but I figured I'd tell you first.

Aaay (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
And that's the way it is (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
Ask not what your country can do for you ... (John F. Kennedy)
Baby, you're the greatest (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
Bam! (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
Book 'em, Danno (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
Come on down!(Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
Danger, Will Robinson (Robot, "Lost in Space")
De plane! De plane! (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
Denny Crane (Denny Crane, Boston Legal")
Do you believe in miracles?(Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics
D'oh! (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
Don't make me angry ... (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
Dyn-o-mite (J.J., "Good Times")
Elizabeth, I'm coming!(Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ...(Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
God'll get you for that(Maude, "Maude")
Good grief" (Charlie Brown, Peanuts" specials)
Good night, and good luck (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
Good night, John Boy ("The Waltons")
Have you no sense of decency? (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
Heh heh (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart "The Daily Show")
Here's Johnny! ( Ed McMahon"The Tonight Show")
Hey now!(Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
Hey hey hey! (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
Hey hey hey! (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
Holy (whatever), Batman! (Robin, "Batman")
Holy crap!(Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
Homey don't play that! (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
How sweet it is! (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
How you doin'? (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
I can't believe I ate the whole thing (Alka Seltzer ad)
I know nothing! (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
I love it when a plan comes together (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
I want my MTV!(MTV ad)
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ... (Larry, "Newhart")
I'm not a crook ..." ( Richard Nixon' )
I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
I'm Rick James, bitch! (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
Is that your final answer?" ( Regis Philbin"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
It keeps going and going and going ... (Energizer Batteries ad)
It takes a licking ...(Timex ad)
Jane, you ignorant slut" ( Dan Aykroyd "Saturday Night Live")
Just one more thing ... (Columbo, "Columbo")
Let's be careful out there (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
Let's get ready to rumble!(Michael Buffer, various sports events)
Live long and prosper(Spock, "Star Trek")
Makin' whoopie (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
Mom always liked you best (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
Never assume ... (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
Nip it! (Barney Fife, "The Andy Show")
No soup for you! (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
Norm! ("Cheers")
Now cut that out! (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
Oh, my nose! (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
One small step for man ... (Neil Armstrong)
Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?(Grey Poupon ad)
Read my lips: No new taxes! (George H.W. Bush)
Resistance is futile (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
Say good night, Gracie (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
Schwing!( Mike Myers "Saturday Night Live")
Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy (Lloyd Bentsen)
Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids (Trix cereal ad)
Smile, you're on `Candid Camera' ("Candid Camera")
Sock it to me("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
Space, the final frontier ... (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
Stifle! (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
Suit up (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
Tastes great! Less filling! (Miller Lite beer ad)
Tell me what you don't like about yourself (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
That's hot" ( Paris Hilton "The Simple Life")
The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
The tribe has spoken(Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
The truth is out there(Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
This is the city ... (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
Time to make the donuts ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
Two thumbs up(Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
Up your nose with a rubber hose (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
We are two wild and crazy guys! ( Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
Welcome to the O.C., bitch (Luke, "The O.C.")
Well, isn't that special?(Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
We've got a really big show! (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
Whassup? (Budweiser ad)
What you see is what you get! (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
Where's the beef? (Wendy's ad)
Who loves you, baby?(Kojak, "Kojak")
Would you believe?(Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
Yabba dabba do!(Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
Yada, yada, yada("Seinfeld")
Yeah, that's the ticket( Jon Lovitz' as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
You eeeediot! (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
You look mahvelous!" ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
You rang?(Lurch, "The Addams Family")
You're fired! (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
You've got spunk ...(Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show)

How many do yo remember?

Rockin' In The Free World 11/17/06 U-Jam

Wow this would have been awesome to see live but probably even better 15 years ago!

Star of Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble Gobble till you wobble!

The Hunting Party

Figuring Shit Out

It's a simple fact of life that because we eat, we shit. The act of consumption and the act of defecation are indelibly linked to the whole (no pun intended) of any living organism. In the normal context, we humans are corpse eaters. We digest the dead into its base components for sustenance, and once those base components have been stripped of any caloric/nutritional value whatsoever, those components are ejected from our bodies. In some cultures, the ritualistic eating of one's enemies was meant to give the eater that enemy's strength, both physically and spiritually. Christ was very aware of the practice of cannibalism, and, in an effort to avoid being consumed by his brethren, invented Communion (it wouldn't do to wind up in Heaven with bite marks, now would it?). Our bodies make shit out of the once living. Our bodies serve to create vulgar masterpieces, and there are only two senses required in the art. In the symbolic context, everything living consumes with all their functioning senses. Each sense, if functioning as designed, devours the raw material of everyday life and existence, digests it in the brain, and the end result is just a prettier form of shit delivered by thought, speech, pencil, keystroke, brush, hammer blow, or gesture; fertilizer for the observer, reader, sufferer, lover or patron on which to grow and survive. At this juncture shit becomes tolerable, manageable, palatable. It might even be referred to as "good shit," though in practice the term "good shit" would seem a contradiction of terms.

Now that's some hot shit... or is it?I've always had a problem with someone that says something "tastes like shit." I assume what the person saying the phrase really means is that something smells the way he/she imagines shit tastes. The reason humanity developed a sense of smell was to avoid eating something infested with the bacteria of rot and decay. Perhaps one of our distant ancestors ate a piece of bad fruit and got the shits, so the primordial brain wiring got together and said "You know, if we could sniff out the bad stuff we could avoid all that cramping and the green apple two-step, and we won't lose all that ass hair from the constant wiping," so it was in the organism's best interests to not only sharpen the olfactory sense, but hotwire it to the gag reflex. I reckon the reason human-kind managed to survive its early history was because of its ability to eat damned near anything, and damned near anything also included carrion as well as veggies. Thank God for gas grills and electric can openers, eh? Now, if I could only understand how farts figure into the scheme of life.

Somethings wrong with Kate

Pee drinker and strap on wearer extroidinare

Close to Burnout!

RIP Jack

The 23rd Psalm

Well here we are, only six weeks into the new season of Lost and we have a 13 week hiatus. Now let me tell you this past Wednesday night I was all ready to watch the last episode I would ever watch of Lost. Well, I was woefully wrong. The one thing the produces and writers have done (aside from pissing off a lot of viewers as well as loosing some as well) is make a show that for some reason or ... eh-hem... "other" is watched on the edge of your seat (hey, we'll sell you the whole thing but you'll only need the edge!). So, let's recap what we have found out or not found out so far this season ... well not a whole lot actually. In the first episode we are given our "holy shit this made waiting the entire summer worth it" moment. The others live on the island in a little utopian society and we see the plane crash. Remember this season is titled the season of the others. Meaning they will become a larger story line if not the forefront of most story lines. So who is Henry/Ben (we'll call him Benry) to Juliette (we'll call her the hot chick)? What did they do to K/S/J? Why do they all have bandaids on their arms? To knock them out? Blood tests? Truth serum?
Is Tom/Mr.Friendly gay? To Kate: "You're not my type." Maybe not even human? Can we trust Juliette, even is she is hot? Maybe not. The second episode, we find out Jin isn't a murderer but Sun most definitely is. And for a war veteran Sayid comes up with some crappy ideas sometimes. Yeah let's dock where you know they have been recently and use the boat as bait and then wait for them in the jungle far away from the boat and also far away from the pregnant woman. Good plan. Back to the cages, exactly what do they have Kate and Sawyer doing? My guess is it's just hard labor to keep them busy and tired. Fisrt episode was ok I give it a 8 if it's in the middle of the season but considering I had to wait 13 weeks for it I drop it to a 7. Second episode was no better, this one only gets a 6 for me, possibly the worst episode of the short fall season. Now episdoe 3, the Locke episode and yes, I know we have had different points of view on this one. Some hated it I loved it, I give it easily an 8. Some thoughts on the episode; Why couldn't Locke talk? So after taking some of his hooka paste he goes on some sort of a vision quest with the spirit of Boone. It must be bad so far this season, I was glad to see Boone! Ok on to the vision quest, Boone tells us that Claire, Charlie, and Aaron will be ok for a while, when he sees K/J/S he says you can't help them ... yet. Guess he means he is going to help them, at least at some point, aparently in the last 2/3's of the season. So Locke has to clean up his mess, meaning Eko, hmmm, this could be an odd sort of thing to say, more on this later. Big revelation comes when we find out Desmond can see or has seen the future. A la the Philadelphia experiment. Ahh at the end of episode 3 we meet Nikki and Paulo or as I like to call them "fodder for the death mill". I don't wanna get out my soap box, ok I guess I do. I do not and will not accept these two new characters. Here we are supposedly sixty some days into this story and all of a sudden the writers say "oh yeah, we are running out of characters to give story to so here's two new people who have been here the whole time we just didn't tell you about them yet", bullshit! Now I'm not usually a purist but I don't accept this. It's a cop out and in fact they could have used Rose and Bernard for these parts so far this season, so why do we need new characters? I can't imagine there is a real good reason for it, guess we will see but I can't see me accepting them any time soon. Even if Nikki does have a nice rack. Even as the episode ends we se Desmond throwing rocks out to sea looking worried (?) and/or crazed (?). Probably about the direction this show is taking. Get the shark out I think they are about to jump. More recap and some thoughts on the rest of this "story arc" as the writers have called it tomorrow. Everyone have a fish biscuit and a good nap.

Only two more years to go

What Kate Did

Kate gets rescued!!!

...And does a lite version of a phone sex dating line? What is going on over on that island?

Collision

Well, seeing as how we have closed the Halloween segment of the year, and seeing that it is Wednesday, we got ourselves a Lost night. Only two to go before the B.S. fourteen week holiday hiatus. Well, according to previews for tonight that I saw on ABC earlier this afternoon tonight someone dies! More specifically one of the survivors dies. Guess we will find out if I was right or not about my list of people dying. Inside sources tell me I was wrong, wayyyyyyyyyyyy wrong with who my guess is on who dies. If you wanna know highlite the following text otherwise you can watch tonight and be surprised that is if my sources are correct. Other than that have a great night and be prepared for a huge in depth Lost recap next week.

Looks like our big buddy Mr. Eko is the one to bite the dust tonight. This episode is his back story and could wrap up his "story". Other facts leading to the belief he is dying tonight is the fact that right now as you read this the final episodes of the season are being filmed and the actor who plays Eko (you know I can't spell) has not been in Hawaii for nearly 8 weeks. He is also the guest on Regis and Kelly tomorrow a la Michelle Rodriguez who played Anna Lucia she also was on Regis and Kelly the day after she was killed off. We shall see, I mean it bodes well for my boy Sawyer not being the one offed but Mr.Eko might also be one of my favorites in the show. If you don't count the new Paolo and Nikki who are quickly becoming my new favs. In case you can't tell I'm being sarcastic. I want them in body bags!

The Witching Hour

Before I get to the last 15 horror movies on the list, I thought I would give out some honorable mentions. These few are quite possibly worthy of being on the list but I needed to narrow it down so I cut these but decided to put them in here instead.

April Fool's Day
Jacob's Ladder
Innocents (The Turn of the Screw)
An American Werewolf in London
House of Wax (1953 version)
Fall of the House of Usher
The Ring
Targets
Black Sunday
Hound of the Baskervilles
Uninvited
Sixth Sense

Now the last of the top 50

15. Phantasm - Phantasm is that rarest of horror films, one with a truly original premise. The villain of the piece, the Tall Man, is one of the all-time great scary monsters and interestingly enough, we never discover if he is human or ghoul.

14. The Haunting - The Haunting is that rarest of beasts, an excellent novel that was turned into a film that just about matches the quality of its printed source. From start to finish, the director slowly builds the eerie tension of this horror classic until it reaches its shattering conclusion. A first-class production on all fronts, this timeless ghost story may have been made four decades ago but it still remains one of the all-time I'm-gonna-sleep-with-the-lights-on-after-this films. There are few ghosts tories ever made for the cinema that can even compare.

13. Sean of the Dead - This ranks up there, even though more comedy than horror, as one of the best zombie movies ever made.

12. Bride of Frankenstein - Sequel titles such as "Bride Of" are usually associated with B-movie sequels that are quickly forgotten and one day mocked on Mystery Science Theater. Bride of Frankenstein is the exception. Not only the greatest horror sequel of all time, Bride is in many ways superior to the original.

11. The Omen - I haven't seen the remake yet but I would imagine it won't be as good as the original. Shocking and scary with some really disturbing death scenes, this movie caused the name Damien to be associated with the devil for the rest of time.

10. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - Bette Davis and Joan Crawford star in this inspired psychological horror. They play over-the-hill sisters and former child actresses who, after a lifetime of rivalry, are now both full of bitterness. "But you are Blanche, you are!" More disturbing than scary, but psychologically tormenting.

9. Phantom of the Opera - Lon Chaney Sr.'s best film is also the best screen version of Gaston Leroux's novel. As the scarred composer hiding in the bowels of Paris Opera House, Chaney is unforgettable. He tutors beautiful singer Mary Philbin, whilst seeking revenge on those that ended his career and ruined his features. Some amazing make-up (by Chaney of course) and great over-zealous acting make this a real treat. Chaney's character is also both pitiful and irreversibly insane. One of the first in the Universal gothic cycle, it was remade by the same studio in 1943 with Claude Rains. There are at least four other versions (one by Hammer), but this is the best, an American classic of the silent age.

8. Peeping Tom - Karl Boehm plays Mark, a photographer driven mad in his childhood by the cruel father's photographical experiments. Now Mark himself enjoys filming 'the face of death', closing in on his victims whilst impaling them on his spiked tripod. Although devoid of blood and gore, this was truly a shocking film for it's time, and it's still disturbing today. Released about the same time as Psycho or else it would have been a hit.

7. Invisible Man - A scientist, Jack Griffin (Claude Rains) invents a serum that causes invisibility in living beings. However, after testing it on himself, Griffin soon disocovers the serum has the unfortunate side effect of driving the recipient murderously insane! Great Special effects and a bizarre form of jet-black humor make this an early sci-fi/horror masterpiece.

6. Repulsion - Roman Polanski produces his first horror masterpiece with this psychological terror-tale. As with the later 'Rosemary's Baby', it features a vulnerable female lead, Catherine Deneuve, who finds herself in a claustrophobic situation. Deneuve plays a Belgian manicurist living in London. She is repelled by sex, so when her flatmate goes away, she begins to feel alone in a foreign country surrounded by sex-hungry men. Naturally, all this pushes her over the edge and she locks herself in her apartment, but nobody will leave her alone. A gripping insight into psychotic paranoia.

5. The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari - A Nightmarish, almost indescribable silent German Expressionism film. Dr. Caligari (Werner Krauss), a carnival hypnotist, uses his somnambulistic zombie (Conrad Veidt) to commit murders. A basic plot, but more unforgettable images than in most modern features. Wild make-up, incredible acting, and Dali-esque sets will have you doubting your own sanity. Inevitably dated, but still surprisingly original when you consider it's probably the earliest important horror movie.

4. When a Stranger Calls - High school student Jill Johnson is traumatized over an evening of babysitting by a caller who repeatedly asks "Have you checked the children?". It's scary, creepy, and downright eerie.

3. The Fog - A Northern California fishing town, built 100 years ago over an old leper colony, is the target for revenge by a killer fog containing zombie-like ghosts seeking revenge for their deaths. What you can't see can't hurt you ... it'll kill you! A rare real scary movie. John Carpenter has always been a master in creating scary, creepy scene's with minimal resources but maximum scare.

2. House on Haunted Hill - Five diverse people are invited to a 'haunted house' party. They are offered $10,000 each by an eccentric millionaire and his wife to spend the night in a house with a murderous past. Vinnie (as in Vincent Price) Throws One Heck of a Party! The updated remake is also just as good, weaker acting but better effects, pick your poison.

1. It - Seven youths have to defeat a demonic creature named Pennywise which dresses in a clown suit and terrorizes a 1960's town in Maine. I'm not one of those people who is afraid of clowns, but this film doesn't make me like them any more either. Like Jaws, this one has caused many people to wonder just what they hide behind those fake smiles.

Well that's the list, 50 (or so) of my favorite horror movies. Did I miss any of yours?