Stranger In A Strange Land

What’s the matter dude? How bad could it have been? Exactly what have you done? From the looks of things, Jack has screwed things up so royally, his only purpose left in life is to try and find a way to die. Even that doesn't seem to be going so well. He's driving around oxy-co-zoned out of his head, guzzling booze and reading obituaries rather than watching the road. He is flying on planes, hoping they crash. He even gets as far as the ledge of a bridge but the poor guy can't even do something as simple as jump. His display causes a traffic accident, leaving people that must be fixed, and apparently, incredibly, there's one tiny place left in the melted jell-o of his brain that still responds to a thing that must be fixed. Only not everything is fixable, as we learn in the season finale. Jack is experiencing the ultimate nightmare of a control freak. Something has happened, something that is in the past, that is immutable and beyond his ability to fix. In between the end of our on island story and wherever poor crazy Jack is now, something horrific happened. Was Jack responsible for the horror? Could he have changed it had he been a different kind of man, a different kind of leader? A leader must make decisions. Decisions have consequences.
Whatever the consequences of Jack's decision were, in Jack's mind at least, he deserves to be killed for them. Taking a long step back, into the way this Reluctant Leader assumed control of this group, one is left to wonder. What made Jack the best choice to lead? He was a doctor, and that was a huge godsend to everyone, but doctors don't lead armies. Did the doctor pictured above lead his men? Remember how he used to say "Dam it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an elephant trainer"? That guy knew his place. He had humility. He knew better than to project his superior intelligence and skills into some presumption of general superiority. But what we learned this episode - incredibly, given the golden light this character has been painted in up until this one pivotal episode - is that, as a Leader, reluctant or otherwise, Jack was a spectacular failure. A big problem was that there really were no other likely candidates for the position. The ideal choice may have been Sayid, a hardheaded soldier with a brilliant technical mind and a lion's heart. But in the aftermath of 9/11, it's easy to see how a group of mainly Westerners wouldn't have accepted an Iraqi to command them. (Which makes the fact that Jack ended up looking like Saddam Hussein's lost brother just a little more comical.) So Sayid was relegated to Sergeant and maybe that was the first mistake. Certainly this hip move with the Assassination by Ankle reminded us how deep Sayid's skill set really is, and hinted at what a bad ass leader he might have been. But...bygones must be bygones, as Jack now knows all too well.
Sawyer couldn't have been the leader, not that he'd ever have wanted to be. His psychic agony was all there in real time this episode. His head is still in the brig with Cooper's corpse, and when Kate finally showed enough compassion to ask him what had happened, all he could do was lash out at her, feign indifference though his torment, as always, is painted all over his expressive face. However unleader like Sawyer is, he does have one asset a leader needs, that Jack lacks. He doesn't bargain with the enemy. He knows they lie. So when he plugged Tom, there was one less problem that would ever need to be fixed. Here's one guy who could never have been the leader: Bernard! Seriously, dude, name, rank and serial number! At least make something up. But at least Bernard has enough McCoy in him to realize he's a dentist, not a Rambo. Juliet wasn't around to become the leader in the early days, though she has a lot of assets. She's as smart as Jack and a hell of a lot cooler under fire. Who knows what's being set up for Juliet? Have to wait and see, but clearly things are changing when it comes to Juliet's status in the story. It might have been a good move to woo the noble savage Rousseau a little more gently. As crazy as she appears, she knows the lay of the land. She's invested in the place and she knows how to handle Ben. In his way, Locke tried to be a kind of leader. A kind of crazy ass way that no sane person would follow. But Locke has entered some zone with access to secrets a leader might have found useful. When he was laying in the skeleton pit, it looked like his wound was glowing, almost healing as we watched. Then who should appear with some magical healing incantation but WAAAAAALT !!!! - fresh from the NBA draft apparently. (Jeez did he grow!) The point is that no one could have led these people in this mystical place. The Island is in charge of this story. There are a lot of people in the play, but none of them as beautiful or compelling or mysterious as the Island itself. Reminded of that this episode, one must hope that this story never strays too far from it's most fascinating and vital character, the Island.
Matthew Fox gave a bravura performance in this episode. I've heard it described as "balls to the wall" and even though I really prefer not to think of Matthew Fox's balls up against any walls (what is it with testicular metaphors anyway?), I have to admit it was spectacular. For a man whose main driving force in life has been competitive success - being better than his father, finishing medical school a year early, being recognized as a premier surgeon in one of medicine's most elite specialties - Failure is the most frightening of specters. Jack was so afraid, so ashamed of, so horrified by this failure, he had to hide his soul from even himself. Narcotics are the ultimate attempt to control reality and addiction is the ultimate punishment for that arrogance. The storytelling was masterful. As we witnessed Jack's utter disintegration we were flashed back to the moment on the island that this disintegration began. Jack is leading his people up to the signal tower. He doesn't clue in when Naomi flatters him as Moses and makes sure he knows only one way to use the phone. When Ben confronts him, and pleads with him not to call the rescuers, and blackmails him with death threats against his friends, Jack can't cope. He loses his cool, as Jack so often does. This is not the way great leaders react but Jack has failed as a leader...he just doesn't know it at that point. In all fairness, what could Jack have done differently? Jack was faced with three things: the known knows: Ben is a liar, the known unknowns: everything loony Locke says, and the unknown unknowns: Who is on the other end of that phone? A new character has entered the story. There's a gun on the table in the middle of the stage. We can see it now but we don't know yet why it's there. Whatever is coming to the Island is going to unleash a new hell on our Losties. All we have to go on are the clues we were given - they loaded all of them - in the two final scenes.

"I know exactly what I'm doing", says Jack. Ummm.....No, you don't, dude. This here seems to be your first mistake. "You are bringing people here that will kill every LIVING person on this island" says Ben. Who pray tell isn't a "living" person? "You're not supposed to do this", says Locke. There is no way in hell Jack is going to listen to Locke. He even sounds like a whiny schoolboy telling him "You're done keeping me on this island." But Locke does know something. Game Changed? The kicker here didn't kick all that hard, but it was cool. The final scene, where Kate steps out of her sweet ride looking all glam and synthetic, reads like a list of cryptic clues. I believe we are expected to talk about these all summer, so get out your notepads. "Why would I go to the funeral?" Who was in the coffin? Why did Jack care and Kate not? Is Kate just a hardhearted bitch? "I'm sick of lying." What lies is Jack telling? Did they fabricate a story about what really happened on the Island? Is that how Kate has escaped justice? Did some powerful syndicate swoop in and rescue them, installing Kate in a witness protection program to keep her yap shut? If so, why are they letting Jack barrel around L.A. driving drunk and babbling like a madman? "We made a mistake" We? Was Kate in on whatever decision Jack made that put him in this condition? Or is he just playing the addicts game of sharing the guilt? And of course - what mistake? They've got three years to explain this to us, but seeing how it has made such a total wreck of Jack, it had better be a doozy. "He'll be wondering where I am." Who is Kate's man? It’s more than likely not Sawyer, because that’s what we’re supposed to think. Of course maybe they are doing reverse reverse psychology. "We were not supposed to leave." How much must it kill Jack to fully realize Locke - friggin' Locke! - was right all along? "We have to go back." How? Does the Island have a fixed location now? Does he think he can fix something by going back? Were there people left behind? Things are never that straightforward on Lost. What a wonderful season of Lost this was and a very fitting finale. I don't think any games were changed all that much. I don't think too many minds were blown. But it was SOLID entertainment, two exciting hours worth, and Matthew Fox got the chance to redeem himself after a sleepwalk of a season. Showing Jack humbled and ruined gave layers to the character that three years of pompous posturing failed to even hint at. It will be fascinating to come back next year - in *sob* February - to see what painful pleasures they have in store for us.

Flashes Before Your Eyes

Well, there is so much to digest after the finale. So many things to touch upon and to hypothesise about. Questions answered and new ones asked. One of the questions is - "Why did Charlie have to die.", well the short answer is because he had to.
The rock star turned addict turned looser turned daddy turned hero. He could have easily escaped the communications room he was in and escaped the hatch with Desmond. But he wasn't supposed to. The outcome of the flashes showed Charlie dying and then Claire being rescued by a helicopter. Charlie wanted to make sure that the actions he had taken so far had not changed the course of the flashes and that was still the final outcome. "Any more flashes?" was what he asked Desmond. Not because he wanted to live, he knew he was dying. As long as the flashes hadn't changed he was dying, and he was resolved to that fact.
The way he dealt with the two girls in the hatch: "Is that Ben? Tell him I said 'Hi!'" was a bittersweet moment. He was actually laughing in the face of death. For a character I didn't care for very much, I found myself hoping maybe all the rumors and spoilers were wrong, maybe he would live. A hero to the end, he manages to use the sharpie to leave Desmond a message to take with him.
So die he did, and if there is a way to describe the act of dying as beautiful, that's how he did it. In an homage to Star Trek this time, not Star Wars. Goodbye Charlie, I'll miss you.

Not In Portland

OK, he might not be the hottest on the show anymore (Juliette and the new chick that fell from the sky may or may not have him beat) but he is the hottest person I can still trust on the show.

Does this pic look like his mouth is open and awaiting?

Anyway, back to the point of this new blog post:

The Top Reasons It Is Great Being A Guy

Movie nudity is virtually always female

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Monday Night Football

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying

Your butt is never a factor in job interviews

All your orgasms are real

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go

You understand why Stripes is funny

You can go to the bathroom without a support group

Your last name stays put

You can leave the hotel bed unmade

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humour in Terms of Endearment

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes

Sex means never worrying about your reputation

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack

The National College Cheer leading Championship

You don't have to shave below your neck

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices

You can write your name in the snow

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat

Flowers fix everything

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours

You can wear a white shirt to a water park

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough

You can eat a banana in a hardware store

You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by

You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me

The world is your urinal

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you

You get to jump up and slap stuff

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy

You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing

Same work...more pay!

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75

If you retain water, it's in a canteen

The remote control is yours and yours alone

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked

You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed

Someday you'll be a dirty old man

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind

Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

A Short Rant

I interrupt my normally scheduled blog to talk about people that piss me off. They piss you off too, you just might not know it yet, or even know they are classified. Now I'm not talking about just people in general; although on a daily basis if you see one (a person I mean) chances are if given the opportunity they could piss you off. Aside from the normal band of usual suspects IE: the exact change old lady in line in front of you at Wawa (I just want my fuckin' cup of coffee, sometimes I wanna throw a quarter at 'em and shout "Here, will this get you out of my way faster, Granny?"), or the lovely preppy couple out for a movie with their two darling children in line at the concession stand in front of you. Mom wants this, Dad wants that. Junior wants this, but Mom don't think he should have that, and their precious little girl stands at the counter with her finger in her mouth, head tilted and leg swinging. She's doing everything cute she can to make me hate her even more than I already do! And you know why? Because she won't say a fucking thing when Daddy asks her what she wants. Which causes him to read off the entire movie theatre menu to her. All the while I ain't no closer to the Jujube's and I'm missing the goddamn previews. Of course this all happens while either (A) there is no other line open or (B) the line I thought was going to move slower than the one I ended up in is now moving faster than a colon cancer patient after a nice big tall glass of prune juice.

All of the previously mentioned are bad, but I never do anything about it. Oh, maybe I sigh my displeasure or quietly whisper "Jesuschristcomeon!", but nothing dangerous, harmful, or otherwise illegal. The next group of people are treading on thin ice. It's happened to you. I know it's happened to you. I'll set the scene for you. You are in your car, driving through the parking lot of the mall (the grocery store, the porno shop, just down the road in general, you get the idea) and you come upon the crosswalk with the "Vehicles Must Stop For Pedestrians In The Crosswalk" sign. I don't have a problem doing that, I think that's a good law, or rule, whichever it is. I remember when this was not universally accepted and you took a chance walking in front of a car, maybe they will stop or maybe they won't. But it's okay by me, usually. All those handicapped parking spots in the front of the lot are a different story and one we can discuss another day, but for now let's go back to the fuck wits in the crosswalk, shall we? I slow down, occasionally I'll even stop, if they are old I pull out War and Piece cause this could take a while. Here are the rules. I'll say that again. Here are the goddamn rules. These are the rules for those of you, those of us, using the crosswalk:

1. Before you even think about entering the crosswalk, be sure you have all necessary preparations take care of before hand. Like all your kids with you. Don't let them stray out single file like I'm watching ducks cross the highway! Or your car keys. The middle of the crosswalk is not a good place to stop and dig inside that papoose you call a purse for your keys. Or even your wife. Grandpa Jones gets in the middle of the crosswalk and suddenly he remembers he's not a widower. Yet. Meanwhile, Grandma Moses who is exactly ten shuffled paces away can't figure out that the man she has fondled, blown, fucked, salad tossed, and taken shit from for the last 50 years is ... right fucking in front of her! All she can do is look in every direction except where he is and yell; "Jed, where are you?" All of this just happens to be going on in the crosswalk that I stop to let you cross and walk in. So move your fucking asses!d

2. If by chance you are lucky enough to not have kids with you, or a spouse to hold you back, and you really got your shit together, it is still not a 100% sure shot you are doing what I need you to do. Chances are you are going to do the one thing that just makes me want to pretend to be the second car coming off of turn two just inches away from taking the lead on the last lap of the Daytona 500 and well, I guess all I gotta do is gun it. And run you down like a dog in the street. When you enter the crosswalk, go in a direct line. Perhaps you remember way back in elementary school when you learned this little pearl of wisdom: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Not an angled one! You have left the safety of the sidewalk, it should be ingrained in you that you now need to get to the next safest point as quickly as possible. That next safest point being anywhere that I can't run your ass down with this 1,000 pound * death machine I call a car. It's not a gun pointed at your head but in the wrong hands it might as well be.

So what have we learned? Get in the crosswalk and get out of the crosswalk. As fast as possible, especially if I am the driver of the car that stopped to let you cross. You'll recognize me, I'll be the one with the evil smile on my face wondering what you would look like in a wheelchair.

* The writer of this blog does not know the exact weight of the car he drives but 1,000 pounds sounded pretty damn good and heavy enough to kill the average asshole.

I Do

Well, congratulations to Lost, this moment, captured above, was the first time in the shows history that Sawyer was on the screen and he wasn't the hottest thing to look at. So like where has Kate been hiding the epilady or Nair or whatever she is using to get rid of the winter bush that she must be sportin' by now?
Of course Sawyer, James, Ford, whatever you wanna call him is still the hottest thing on the show for my money.
But Juliette is a close second. If the bitch wasn't so untrustworthy she might make it a closer race. Now that all that is out of the way, lets get on with the latest scoop on what is coming up on the best show on TV today. No, I'm not talking about Heroes, which is a close second so if you ain't seen it I highly recommend it. Of course at this point you should just wait for the 1st season DVD to come out, but I digress. Here is the order of the remaining episodes and who's flashback we get to see:

5/2 The Brig-Locke (although this is misleading in it is only flashbacks from the last 3-8 days)
5/9 The Man Behind The Curtain-Ben
5/16 Greatest Hits-Charlie
5/23 Through The Looking Glass-Jack

No for the spoiling so if you don't wanna know stop reading now. My sources are almost 100% trustworthy so even though some information could be a big swerve by "the powers that be"; meaning JJ Abrahms, Carlton Cuse, et. al., I am taking most of this as true of what is to come. First let's go to the episode I have the most info about, this weeks, The Brig.

Ben tells Locke about Juliette's tape recorder and tells him (Locke) that he has to kill his father, that is the only way "the others" will accept him and allow him to go further in his joining them. Locke can't do it and with the help and advice of Richard Alpert (that's the guy who recruited Juliette) Locke is pointed into the right direction on how it could still be accomplished. Which brings us to Sawyer. Cooper is finally revealed as the original Sawyer, something some of us have seen coming for a while. Locke goes and gets Sawyer and the two of them head to the Black Rock where Locke has his father waiting for them. This is where "The Brig" part of the episode comes in. Cooper tells Sawyer they are all dead, that his son (Locke) was killed in a plane crash and before waking up on the island he was in an auto accident and the last thing he remembers is a paramedic giving him an IV. While Locke is waiting for Sawyer to kill Cooper, Rousseau shows up and gets some dynamite (how much was on this frigging ship anyway?) which could be foreshadowing something to come in the next few weeks. Meaning a large explosion.

Back inside the Black Rock, the deed is done, yes, Sawyer kills Cooper, rather violently from what I can tell from the description I got. I won't spoil that much for you because it will probably be best to see it than read about it. I for one am actually a little saddened as I was hoping Sawyer wouldn't kill him, I expected better, but I guess this is his life's journey. This does not go unappreciated by Locke who, before taking the body back to Ben, tells Sawyer that Juliette is a mole and in three days their camp is going to be attacked by the others who are coming for the women. He also gives Sawyer the tape recorder Juliette used to leave Ben messages about Sun as proof.

Meanwhile back on the beach, Hurley, Charlie and the rest of the group are back with the parachutist chick Naomi. They hide her because they feel that they can't trust Jack with the info. In a nutshell, this is what she tells them: the wreckage of flight 815 was found of the coast of Bali and all of the passengers were dead, she was hired by Penelope to find Desmond. She gives Sayid her her radio and he gets it to work but no signal (big surprise!). Kate sees the phone and asks Sayid about it who tells he about it and the girl but also tells he not to tell anyone about it. To which she goes right to Jack to share this info with. She doesn't want to tell him in front of Juliette but Jack insists she do just that. And then she does! After that we then find out that Jack is in on the plan with Juliette. Whatever that plan is of course.

Best line of the episode: Sawyer to Locke "OK Tarzan, now that you are back from your 'Blow up everything that could get us off of this island tour' why don't you tell me why you joined up with the damn enemy."

Now what is known (or thought to be known) for the remaining episodes. Counting Coopers death there will be four more before the end of the season. Speculation is that Charlie is one of them. Beginning with tonight's episode, it is going to be reminiscent of Lord of the Flies. Some hints are pointed towards the fact that Locke may not have blown up the submarine (which would explain why he was wet when he walked back up the dock right before the explosion. We will find out who the mysterious Jacob is next week in Ben's flashback. We will also see Ben as a boy. We will see what "the purge" was and we will be surprised who we see in Dharma uniforms. Roger "Work Man" may have been Ben's father. Marvin Candle will make an appearance in Ben's flashback, and not in an information film either. The Charlie death rumors could be very false and it could end up being Claire and Sayid instead. "The Cable" will be explained and used. Jack and Locke will be having a showdown. A huge Jack reveal about a secret in his past by season end. The producers notes on the season finale (which is a two hour episode) has ranged from "The Snake in the Mailbox" to "The Rattlesnake". Meaning someone, probably Jack, is coiled to strike. Jack and Claire may be finding out they are related by seasons end. Look for the season finale to separate the survivors into two groups. The Toe statue will be back before the end of the season as will Michael and/or Walt.

Sounds like a rough few weeks to come and then we wait until January for season 4

The Cost of Living

A Little Reminder Just In Case You Forgot Who I Am

Since I have been slacking with my blog lately, yes, in case you are wondering, the evil sickness has left me. Well, the horrible sinus infection that decided to almost turn into bronchitis is over, however, my normal state of mental illness, I am happy to report, is still as good as ever. While I have been able to engross myself with lots of medicine (some of that shit I will never take again, I can't chance the nightmares!) a new play station game, lots of reality tv, a couple good movies (couple shitty ones too) and two dvd cerpts later I am happy to report I am an evil and decrepit human being. Now some of you may not find this surprising. I hear some of you saying "What, you? Never." Well, youse don't knows me very well do's you? OK first things first, The Departed is an awesome movie, if you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it. School For Scoundrels sucks. So does Rocky Balboa and Open Season. Now onto a movie highly recommend and you probably never heard of let alone actually saw. The movie is Audition. It is directed by Takashi Miike and it is one of the creepiest horror movies I have seen in a very long time. In fact the movie is so creepy even Rob Zombie has not been able to sit through it all the way from beginning to end without looking away. Now it's obviously a foreign film and only subtitled versions are available so you're gonna have to read some. Not a lot though, cause there ain't that much dialogue. Lots of horrific tension and disturbing images. Come to think of it maybe it wasn't the medicine that gave me the nightmares. A&E's Gene Simmons' Family Jewels is an entertaining reality show, surprisingly better than the Osbournes ever was. Over on Discovery Channel a new season of Deadliest Catch has started. MTV just finished airing the wedding of their in house Jackass member Bam Margera (yes, his dad used to work for ACME). Bam's Unholy Union is part Jackass and part Lifetime's Wedding Story. I've also been watching MTV's latest edition of Real World which makes me glad I'm not one of the "Twenty Somethings" out there. Heroes is back on which is kinda like Lost without the island but with super powers. American Idol is winding down, Sanjaya is gone, so it almost still has it's believability factor. OK, not really. Lost keeps on rolling and gets better each week. I almost got it figured out. More on that in a blog coming soon. Survivor, although, almost done with it's fifteen minutes, this season did have the best tribal council EVER! And that's what I was doing when I was sick.

Every Man For Himself

Lost In Oz

The Secret of Lost doesn't seem to be all that secret anymore. Well the fact that Henry "Freaking" Gale was the name Ben originally used for himself and the fact that they both were in hot air balloons is not the only similarities between Lost and the Wizard of Oz. There's Jack doing his best Scarecrow impression and the following pic of Sawyer and Locke climbing a cliff a la Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion
We also see Kate doing her best Dorothy impression, all that's missing is the pig tails.
A similar Emerald Hall?
And don't forget the ruby slippers.
Also add in the fact that we will be getting a Ben flashback episode before season end and the title of that episode? "The Man Behind The Curtain". Now if I can connect the smoke monster and the flying monkeys we, as they say, "Are in bidness".

Further Instructions

Okay, I hereby declare there has been enough fucking around. By yours truly as well as the writers, and producers of Lost. With that in mind, I have been digging and talking and searching and digging some more and made some connections and have come up with a possible spoiler connection for my favorite show - Lost. With that all being said there are some possible major spoilers listed below. So if you don't wanna know, don't read anymore. Let's start with tonight's episode The Man From Tallahassee. First, as everyone should already know is a Locke episode. No, I'm sorry, it's not a Locke episode; it is The Locke episode that everyone has been waiting for. We find out how Locke ended up in the wheelchair. Okay, this is your final warning the spoilers commence in the next paragraph.

My inside sources tell me this much about tonight's episode, and it's a lot. The flashback begins with Locke's father making wedding plans with a woman he is currently conning. Apparently the woman is worth quite a bit of money and Cooper (that's Locke's fathers name) is about to marry her. Her son, whose name is Peter Talbot (sp?), is concerned that Cooper is trying to bilk his mother out of her fortune and speaks to Locke about it. Locke goes and tells Cooper about this and asks him to call off the wedding or he will blow the whistle on him. Cooper agrees. Later, Locke get a knock on his door. Two FBI agents show up at his place asking questions about him and his connection to Peter Talbot since he was found dead with Locke's name on a piece of paper in his pocket. Locke goes to Cooper's home and questions him about it. Cooper swears he's not a murdered, that he was just after some of the woman's money. Turns out she is worth 200 million. Cooper says John got his wish as the wedding is off because of the woman's son dying. Locke asks his father "If I call her that's what she will say?" Cooper responds by telling Locke, "The phone's right there.". As John asks what the number is Cooper pushes Locke out of an eighth story window. The resulting fall breaks John's back. (So that's how he ended up in the wheelchair.) Now flashing forward to the island - Sayid, Kate, and Locke see Jack playing football. Juliet comes out and talks to him. Sayid says "Maybe Jack doesn't need saving." Jack and Juliet walk to a house and Juliet enters. Jack waits outside for ... Ben to come out in a wheelchair. Jack and Ben shake hands. Locke says, "This might be harder than we thought." Later that night, after a failed attempt to free Jack, Sayid and Kate are captured by the Others. Jack tells Kate she shouldn't have come back for him, that he has made a deal with the Others and he is leaving the island in the morning on the submarine. He tells her he will come back for her and he leaves the room. Meanwhile ... Ben wakes up and hears someone in his room, it's Locke with a gun aimed at Ben. Ben tells Locke he will tell him where Jack is. Locke tells him that he is not there for Jack, he's there for the submarine. Alex enters the room and Locke grabs her as he hears Tom approaching. Locke pulls her into a closet as he hears Tom tell Ben about Sayid and Kate. Ben replies by saying, "Get me the man from Tallahassee.", and Tom leaves. Locke wants his backpack and Ben sends Alex to get it. Ben blabbers something about wanting his dignity and asks John to put him in his wheelchair. He also tells Locke he knows about Locke being in a wheelchair and he knows how he got there. He then tells Locke he knows he probably found the explosives and wants to blow up the submarine. Ben tells Locke how hard it was not talking to John about his ability to walk again while being held prisoner in the hatch. Ben asks some questions about the plane crash and when John got the use of his legs back, and how painful it must have been. Alex goes and gets the pack which is near Sayid. Sayid tells Alex she looks like her mother. Alex says "My mother is dead.". Back to Ben telling Locke that if he blows up the sub, he (Ben) will have problems with his people. Ben's people want to be there but they like to know they can leave whenever they want. If John blows up the sub that illusion will disappear. (Illusion? Apparently Ben doesn't think he could let them leave whenever they wanted, hence he wants Locke to blow up the sub.) Ben goes on to tell Locke that somewhere on the island is a box and that inside that box is anything that he could imagine. Whatever he wanted to be in there would be in there when he opened the box. (He also takes a poke at Locke by saying "You know something about boxes, don't you John?" making reference to John working at the box company. The one Hurley just happens to own, I might add.) "What would you say about that John?" To which Locke responds (and this is a good line) "I'd say I hope that box is big enough for you to imagine yourself up a new sub." They then have words over Locke's anger and about Ben and the Others "cheating". Then Ben tells Locke about Jack's deal to get off the island. Alex then leads Locke to the sub and Alex tells him Ben wants John to blow up the sub. "My dad is manipulating you. He makes you think it is your idea, but it's his." Locke responds by saying, "I'll keep that in mind.", as he laves to go blow up the sub. Danielle is in the bushes watching all of this but makes no attempt to make contact with Alex. Jack and Juliet go to see Ben. Jack asks Ben to let his friends go. "I’ll let them go as soon as your off the island, you have my word.", Ben tells him. Juliette thanks Ben for keeping his promises. Jack, Juliet, and some others run into Locke at the pier just before they are about to leave. Jack asks Locke what he’s doing there to which Locke replies "Sorry Jack." Jack- "Sorry for what?"

BOOM

The sub explodes and Jack looks mad.

Locke is handcuffed to some plumbing in a boiler type room. The man who recruited Juliette (I guess the one from Mittleos, my connection means) and Ben open the door.
Locke-"You don’t have to pretend your disappointed. I know you wanted me to blow up the sub."
Ben tells the recruiter to uncuff him.
Ben- "Remember when you called me a cheater? I never wanted to let Jack and Juliet go because it was a sign of weakness and failure but I also couldn't go back on my word and kill them because that would have been cheating and I would have lost my power over the others. Then you came walking out of the jungle to make my dream come true. (He said something similar to Jack about his tumor and Jack falling from the sky.)

Locke-"You’re not gonna start talking about the magic box again are you?"

Ben- "No John I’m gonna show you what came out of it. When I asked you if it hurt I wasn’t talking about physical pain. How did it feel that your father tried to kill you?

Locke-"You wanna know if it hurt my feelings?"

Ben- "I know you’re afraid. That’s why you don’t want to leave, you're hiding and this is the one place he can never find you. You have some type of communion with this island John and that makes you very special. I want to help you."

Locke- "Why?"

Ben- "Because I’m in a wheelchair and you're not. Are you ready to see what was in the box?"

Cooper is sitting tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth!

Locke-"Dad?"

Crash to black.

Wow! Locke's father on the island? Well we shall see if my connection is right or not. Either this is gonna be a big spoiler for us all or it's a load of horse hockey. I can however promise you this; that if my informant is right, look for a death of a character next week. Hopefully there will be more to come. Enjoy!

Strawberry Spring

Mother Nature Does What She Does Best ...

And Fucks With Us! Again!

It's been a week of weird. This time last week I was out walking the dog around the block and thinking maybe I should have worn shorts. It was 72 freakin' degrees. Then as I am puttering around the old homestead I notice on the news that they are talking about snow. Surely they must mean somewhere else. Certainly not around here. I was wrong. Friday comes and it seems like a normal Friday morning in mid-March (as normal as that can be around here). Rain in the forecast and then a change over to sleet, freezing rain and possibly snow. Still in disbelief I snickered to myself. I usually only snicker to myself, I don't snicker well so I don't want too many people seeing it. Now guffawing, I do that well and am happy to do so en mass. Back to my story. Somewhere during the morning on Friday, I go outside for break and it has already started. Rain with a little sleet mixed in. Not thinking this was a big deal I wondered if this was what they were all in a tizzy over. Shortly after noon, I took my second break. What a difference. The rain had changed entirely over to sleet and was beginning to accumulate. A stiff wind was blowing and the temperature felt like it had dropped ten degrees since I had came to work at 6 am. I popped on the radio inside of the Cheeksmobile and the current "slizzard" was all the rage. El Nino, slizzard, rain event, and all those other "new" weather terms can kiss my ass. What the hell is a rain event? Who schedules these and how do we get tickets? It was at this time I decided I was going to skip lunch and leave early. At 2:00 I left work and decided to tool around town to do a few errands. What a stupid idea this was. But I did them none the less. I got home a little before 4:00 and took out the "Pupper" he's 2 and a half but he's still a puppy to me. He didn't like it much either. So we quickly returned home. My apartment is on the second floor, which usually works out well when we have downstairs neighbors and it's cold outside. Unfortunately our downstairs neighbors moved out at the beginning of February. So it's been nearly impossible to keep our apartment warm for a month. It was nice last week, we even had windows open. But Strawberry Spring is only an illusion created by nature, it's like Indian Summer only with an attitude. For me, Indian Summer is really nice, most of those days are how I would like it to be all year round. Nice 70 degree days in late October are awesome only we know they won't last and soon the days will be cooler and eventually get cold when winter comes around. Strawberry Spring is a vicious bitch. It comes around and says; "Hey, this is nice, isn't it? Pretty warm, man are those legs white. It'll be spring soon, and then summer and you should really start to work on your tan so as not to frighten the young or elderly away with those legs that only you and the undead seem to be able to sport. Well, gotta go. Oh and Old Man Winter says he really hates you, but he doesn't have to tell you that, you'll know by Friday." And so I did. But it got me a day off work, yeah I called out Saturday. So screw off Strawberry Spring and you can eat my ass Old Man Winter. You both deserve each other. Now if I can find out who had the idea to change the clocks in the middle of March instead of the old way we used to do it, well, him and I need to have a talk. March, in like a lion out like a lamb can blow me. That's a stupid saying, and a tattoo of it is even more stupid. But that's another story entirely.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame???

This week the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (as questionable as that may be of a name now) inducted the class of 2007. Included in this years honorees are/is R.E.M (deserved but perhaps a little bit early they haven't had nearly enough reunion tours), The Ronnetts (Ronnie Spector lead singer and wife of Phil, their producer were the group responsible for "Be My Baby", "Baby I Love You", and a lot of other songs with Baby in the title from the '60s.), Patti Smith (the Poet Laureate of the feminist movement in punk rock as well as a Glassboro State College dropout), Van Halen (aside from being one of my favorites, which probably carried little weight in the decision to put them in, they are also in the Guinness Book of World Records for most number one hits on the Billboard Mainstream Rock List as well as fifth on the list for album sales by rock bands. The top four being Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Pink Floyd and Def Leppard.) With that being said, it's all a big sham because I left one honouree out. Grandmaster Flash. Now I don't have a problem with his art per se, just the fact that he is in the RNRHOF I find highly suspicious. By description alone he should be discounted, he is a hip-hop musician and DJ not a rock musician or artist. Beyond that fact, I also find it odd that while Grandmaster Flash is being inducted, which let me point out "White Lines" and "The Message"are two of the best and most ground breaking songs in rap history, they are that, rap. However the Moody Blues and Rush are still not in the RNRHOF. So what gives?
Perhaps the main criticism is that the nomination process is controlled by so few. Three of which are founder Jann Wenner, former foundation director Suzan Evans, and writer Dave Marsh, and the inductees are reflected in their tastes rather than the views of the rock world as a whole. A former member of the nominations board once said:

"At one point Suzan Evans lamented the choices being made because there weren't enough big names that would sell tickets to the dinner. That was quickly remedied by dropping one of the doo-wop groups being considered in favor of a 'name' artist ... I saw how certain pioneering artists of the 50s and early 60s were shunned because there needed to be more name power on the list, resulting in 70s superstars getting in before the people who made it possible for them. Some of those pioneers still aren't in today — but Queen is."

Petitions with tens of thousands of signatures were also being ignored and some groups that were signed with certain labels or companies or were affiliated with various committee members have even been put up for nomination with no discussion at all.

Another criticism is that too many artists are inducted, allowing for several lesser acts to make it in. In fifteen years, 97 different artists have been inducted. A minimum of 50% of the vote is needed to be inducted, although the final percentages are not announced and a certain number of inductees (5 in 2007) is set before the ballots are shipped.

The Sex Pistols, inducted in 2006, refused to attend the ceremony, calling the museum a "piss stain."


Perhaps the Sex Pistols were correct, but we should have known it was going to be a joke since they chose Cleveland over Philadelphia for the site in the first place. I know Cleveland is the better choice, oh sure Philadelphia had "Bandstand" and was the place where much of the early days of Rock and Roll was rooted in but compared to Cleveland which was where... um ... Rock and Roll in Cleveland is ... well it was where ... oh, I'll go think about it and get back to you on that one.

More Evidence

The Glass Ballerina

There we are, David and I, in our blurry glory. Every four or five weeks, depending on the time of year, I get to go see "My David". He loves it when I call him that! I say depending on the time of year because my hair grows faster in the warmer months so I go more frequent then. David is my personal hair stylist. About 10 years ago give or take I moved to The Shade of the Mighty Maple and eventually grew tired of driving nearly a half hour to get my hair cut. Even though I used to go to Gullo's in Marlton and yes, the girls were hot there I needed to go somewhere closer. After Gullo's changed ownership, in part I believe due to a divorce settlement, it changed location, management, as well as prices and stylists. The girl I usually got quit and went to work in Medford which is even further away. The prices went up and I couldn't find a stylist I liked. Although it was in Gullo's that I got my first man induced erection, so I guess the prices weren't the only thing that went up, but I digress. During a time when I was driving around town, I noticed a place called Shear Energy. I decided to stop in to get a hair cut. Thus bloomed the 10 year love fest with "My David". I have never had anyone style my hair the way he does. The straddling my knee while he trims my beard aside, they are after all only perks, he throws that in for free with the service. I've been a client of David through his becoming a widower when his partner died as well as almost loosing him. It was a spring morning somewhere around 2001 that David awoke with an incredible head ache. All it did was worsen and soon he was in the Emergency Room with a brain hemorrhage. He was lucky to be alive. I was told about it the day after it happened when I went for my normal appointment. At the time they still didn't know if he was going to make it. I was crushed. Not only was a friend of mine gravely ill and I was concerned for his health but where the hell was I gonna get my Doo done now? For almost one year (I think that's how long it was anyway) I suffered through someone else cutting my hair, I almost considered going back to Gullo's but the drive was not worth it so I stayed with Shear Energy. One day I walked into Shear Energy and to my surprise there stood David behind a styling chair. He was back. A little thinner (now since corrected), and still a bit weak but it was David. Happily, we are still together. I love hearing all his stories about his love life (but I fear he's turning into a video chat room Floozie) and he loves hearing all of my rough around the edges redneck stories (my metro sexual ones too, even though he tells me metro is now out). Oh, and in case you are wondering yes, that is my hand on his ass in the picture, and my girlfriend took the picture. Not sure what that says about her?!?!

Fave Foto Friday

OK so this is my first shot at getting on Pax's FFF so with that I offer this little entry:

The Creature Walks Among Us!!

That's right, you heard it here first folks, it's official, The Creature really does walk among us! And he might be running for Mayor of Philadelphia, for Christ's sake!! I submit the following pictures as well as the previous film captures as 100% proof that I am not making this up! I present to you Milton Street otherwise known as The Creature!
If that's not proof enough, I have the next one that I like to call "The Snake in the Mailbox" picture. This one was snapped right in my neck of the woods just after he posted bail for being arrested for tax evasion but right before he went on a crazed rampage and killed four innocent bystanders and took one unsuspecting woman hostage (The Creature has a habit of doing this if you have seen the movies.)

In fact after this, I am hesitant to call them "movies" now, they may just turn out to be early documentaries of the rise to power of The Creature. I almost wanna move to Philadelphia so I can vote for whoever has the courage to run against this monster. Somehow I have a bad feeling this may be the beginning of the end. God, if your listening, please help!!

(Some of the facts may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect. In other words, no, he didn't really kill anyone and didn't do any kidnapping either.)

Tale of Two Cities

I told you those stories so I could tell you this one. I told Russell I was going to be including the stories about him in my blog. He was okay with that, then I told him what stories I was going to write about and he was a little bit worried. He knows me pretty well it turns out even though we had not seen or spoken in over 20 years. As it turns out he liked what I wrote (although he remembers some of it differently than I do but hey, it's my blog so I have final word) in fact he sent me an email that after I read it I decided I would edit down a bit and then include here in my blog so you might get a better understanding of Russell. With that in mind I let Russell take over as guest writer.


Cheekies (some names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.-Ed.),
Ok not so bad even tho you got a few things wrong, but I get the editing for dramatic effect and all so I'll give you a passadena. I told you after we left Texas we went to Mass and then Pheonix right? Well let me tell you coming back out here has been culture shock for me, but I am refamiliarizing myself with the area. But I gotta ask you where do you people learn how to drive? From what I can tell this is the handbook they give you when you apply for a liscence here.


NJ Drivers Manual

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

14. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Hope you like that, and hey are most of the people that read your blog thing from NJ?

See ya
Russell


(this ends the guest writer's part of the blog)


All I can say is welcome back and it's our state, get used to it! Also I know why Russell put in #4, he got rear ended doing exactly that very thing a few weeks ago. Um, what's ABS? You're way over my head on this one! For #11 you can thank us later. As for #12, you're goddamn right, I got shit to do, why else are the horns there? The goal in #13 should be everyones, what's the problem? "Flipping the bird", as you put it, is our state bird. Man, do you have a lot to get reaquainted with. Now if you would get registered you could comment on the blog you have now helped create (hint hint).

Live Together, Die Alone

Ok, so here's the story; like I mentioned in my last blog, in the fall of that year, during my junior year of high school, I saw a boy (man? he was 17, you tell me), lose "one of his boys" to the top of a chain link fence very much like the one pictured above in this blog. It was during second period gym class, for that part of the semester the activity was tennis. As I had said the tennis courts were surrounded by the aforementioned chain link fence. It was somewhere in the second week of tennis class, after we had done some fundamentals work and learned grip, stroke, pressure, speed, force, thrust, ... hey, we are still talking about tennis, right? Anyway, all the boring getting to know your racket crap was out of the way and it was time for us to split up into teams and play mixed doubles. We had to split up into guy/girl teams and Kathy Louis was my partner. This kind of has a Rustler connection in that she was the sister of the guy Meg was dating for awhile. His name was Steve, that's all I remember except for the time he got kicked by a horse, maybe you remember that too, Cerpts. But I digest, or something or other. After we picked partners they made a chart for us to play a round robin tournament. As luck would have it, I was actually pretty good at tennis, I was athletic back then. So was Kathy, she was the catcher for the softball team and the goalie for field hockey or maybe it was lacrosse. So, obvious, she was tough. Also later in life a lesbian, but that's not PERT-inent to the story ... or is it? Actually it's not I was just trickin'. So we are playing a match against another team, no idea who the girl was, but the guy was a teammate of mine on the football team, Robert Lee. No his middle name didn't start with an "E" it was Albert. Yeah, I had to ask. He was half Asian and half Puerto Rican. He also sat behind me in English class, this will come into play later. Anyway, back to that fateful tennis match; even though Robert was athletic as well, his partner was not. Kathy and I was doing a pretty good job of kicking their butts when Robert hit a shot back to me. It was one of the biggest lobs I had ever seen. Suddenly my racket seemed to be three times it's actual size, the ball was in slow motion, and we had a pretty big lead. This seemed like a perfect time to do my best Greg Luzinski impression (he was a baseball player on the Phillies back then, I almost said Mike Schmidt, but he's a dick) I wound the racket back and crushed it with a two handed forehand and lifted it up, up, up, and over the chain link fence that was around the tennis court. The number one rule of tennis in gym class was if you sent the ball over the fence you had to go get it. Two teams, one match, one ball. How odd, I should make the last part of that statement, but I'm jumping ahead of myself. Robert looked at me and said "Nice one asshole!". To which I dropped my racket and celebrated with my best "It's outta here!" Harry Kalas impression (he was and still is the announcer for the Phillies, he also does the NFL films commentary now since John Fascenda died a few years back.) So Robert says; "Now go get it." Here's a little more info about the layout of the tennis courts and the offending fence; there was only one door that led onto and off of the tennis courts. The door was two courts down and on Robert's side of the courts. So I replied "C'mon man, you're closer." Apparently Robert had been paying attention during science class or whatever class you are in when you learn the rule that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So instead of going over to the door, exiting the tennis courts, and getting the ball, Robert decides he's going to go over the fence. Now this fence had to be about 10 or 12 feet tall. In the middle of the fence there was a metal pole that was for support that went all the way around the courts. Robert quickly jumped up, used this pole for support as well as a jumping off point for his feet in order to scale the second half of the fence. As he got to the top, where there was no more support, and it was exactly as pictured above, Robert swung one leg over and tried to use the pressure grip method with the toe of his sneaker as he went to swing the other leg over. His toe was about a foot or two from reaching the support bar and I guess he figured his foot would catch it as he slid down. Well, he never had the chance to test this theory however, because as he went to swing the second leg over, his foot other foot slipped. In other words he crotched the top of the chain link fence. All of the air immediately went out of Robert (this wasn't the only thing that would be coming out of my teammate this beautiful October morning), then he started moaning and screaming in agony. I ran over to him and asked if he was alright as I tried to stop laughing. He then informed me that the fence went into his balls. Of course my only answer was "What?", as I felt my own stomach lurch, flip upside down, and then spin back around. He once again informed me, a little louder this time, and with a lot more panic in his voice, that the fence went into his balls. I believe his exact words were: "I think the fence skewered my nut!" I yelled for the gym teacher, Mr. Kelley. He was still oblivious at this point to what was going on and what had happened. He immediately told Robert to get down off of the fence. I told him that I didn't think that was possible. He started walking over and I decided to meet him half way. It was about this time that someone else noticed the blood that was now drenching Robert's white gym shorts, the fence, and even dripping onto the tennis court. I looked back and my brain had a difficult time of processing the information my eyes were transferring to it. As Mr. Kelley asked to nobody in particular, "What the hell happened to him?", I realized my friends blood was all over the fence, and not just any blood, it was nut blood. I then told Mr. Kelley that I thought the fence was in Robert's balls. So he continued to walk towards Robert and told me to go get the nurse, which I did as fast as my fat ass could go. I ran into the school, into the nurses office and quickly blurted "We need you at the tennis courts, Robert Lee's nuts are on the fence. The nurse looked dumbfounded. She asked me if I thought we needed 911, to which I said I thought that might be a good idea. So she called them and then we went back to the tennis courts. In the time it took me to go get the nurse and for her to call 911 everyone except for Mr. Kelley was back in the school. Well, Robert was still there too, duh! I told Mr. Kelley we had called 911 and he told me to go get one of the janitors and see if they could bring out the cherry picker. If you don't know what a cherry picker is I'll try and describe it; it's like a ladder, with a landing and a little compartment for you to stand on,think of one of those little basket type ladder things that are on the PSE&G trucks that they use to raise them up to work on telephone poles. Well, that's what a cherry picker is. The one we had at the school was one you had to push around as it was on wheels. By the time me and two janitors got back to the tennis courts with the cherry picker an ambulance and a cop had arrived. the cop wanted a statement which I had to give him and the paramedics thought the cherry picker was pretty useful idea. So they erected the ladder and one of them climbed up and began to examine Robert who was now quieter than he had been a few minutes prior. Of course that was because he was in shock as the paramedic was quick to point out. That's pretty understandable. Every little movement sent waves of pain through Robert's body to the point he had faded in and out of consciousness a couple of times while perched on the top of the ball piercing fence. Then the paramedic that was checking out Robert said to the other "Call West Jersey, and ask if they want us to cut the fence or extract on the scene." I had no idea what that meant but it didn't sound as bad as it was going to get. Mr. Kelley then told me that when I finished telling the police what happened I could go inside and get ready to go to my next class. Robert then spoke up and said "No, I want him here." Mr. Kelley said it was okay if I wanted to stay and I figured I was partially responsible so it was the least I could do. How I soon wished I had decided to leave then and there. I finished telling the cop what had happened and came over to Robert and told him to hold on they we going to get him down real soon. Now he told me the fence was ripping his ball and his sack. My stomach did it's acrobatics again a little more seriously this time. The paramedic that was on the radio in the ambulance said and I quote "West Jersey said extract on sight and apply pressure packs until arrival.". That didn't sound good I had decided pretty quickly but I tried to make it sound like a good thing to Robert. "They are going to get you down now man.", I told him. He didn't respond, I think he was as close to fainting as he could get without actually doing it. The paramedic who was up on the ladder then gave Robert a needle. Yeah, in the balls! I'm getting queasy just writing this now. Well, apparently "extract on site" meant "take out the testicle and leave it dangling on the fence" because that was what they did. After they lifted Robert off of the fence (a few ounces lighter as well as a pint or two of blood lighter), it took me a few minutes to stop staring at my friends testicle that was now hanging on the fence. It wasn't as big as I had expected nor as round. It kinda looked like a bloody chicken dumpling. The paramedics put Robert on a stretcher and put him in the ambulance. While the one started an iv and got his vital signs (Robert was thankfully unconscious by now either from pain or drugs, I don't know which to this day), the other one removed the destroyed testicle and placed it in a blue bag. On the bag written in large black block letters were the words: Medical Waste. A few minutes ago it was a testicle inside the body of a seventeen year old and now it was "medical waste". I looked at the paramedic and asked him if they could save it and he told me it was almost impossible. So fast forward a week or so and Robert is back in school and he is sitting behind me in English class. I asked him how he was and he said it still hurt some and I apologized and sad I felt like it was my fault which he of course said it wasn't. Then he told me something I never expected him to tell me. He told me he had an artificial nut. It was made out of silicone (just like a breast implant apparently). To which I asked "What?!" And then just for good measure added; "Why?!" The answer was surprisingly convincing, Robert had asked the plastic surgeon for it. Robert felt that later in life when he might be "getting busy", as he put it, he didn't want a girl to be going down there and feeing around and only feel one ball. That was the end of our conversation about his nut, ever. Sometimes I think about it and wonder if they could have put a little zipper in his sack, maybe even like a stint so he could open the sack and close it thereby allowing him to have a variety of different balls to place inside. You know, holiday and special occasion theme balls. A little jingly one for Christmas, one shaped like an egg for Easter. Or maybe even a squeaky one like they put in dog toys. Now there is a conversation piece!

Three Minutes

A few days after the incident at the tennis courts (those tennis courts, months later, would also be the site of the first and only time I saw someone literally loose a testicle on the fence surrounding it, if you don't know the story, remind me sometime and I will tell it, as gingerly as possible of course) Russell's seat in first period English class was empty. I really didn't think anything of it at the time, he had been through enough lately and if he was sick, it was understandable. After English I saw a girl in the hallways who lived a few doors down from Russell, she stopped me in the hall and asked if I had heard about Russell's sister. I told her I had not. That was how I found out she had died. I didn't wait for Russell to come back to school to hear from him what had happened, as soon as I got home I called his house. He answered the phone and I realized I had no idea what to say. Then I remembered what he had told me "Just be my friend."
"Russell, man, it's Chris, look I know you probably don't feel like talking but if you need anything or want to talk to someone, just call."
I didn't want to bother him anymore as I started to feel a little bit embarrassed by the fact that my morbid curiosity was more of the reason I called than out of concern for him and his father.
"That's all I wanted to tell you. Bye." As I started to take the phone from my ear he said "Thanks. I'll be in school Monday." And then we hung up. Now the cold bastard in me, even back then it occasionally reared its ugly head, starting assessing the situation and came up with one solid fact: A mother dying from cancer merited almost two weeks from school, a sister who commits suicide only a few days. But I was in no position to judge. Russell wasn't in school on Monday after all, nor was I, as they had decided the funeral would be held on Monday. I went along with about a dozen other kids I went to school with. The funeral was as most funerals are; sad, morbid, and painfully long. What made this one different was the conversation I had with Russell for a few minutes outside of the funeral home. The funeral was at Bradley's funeral home, some of you might know where that is and it's not important to the story now that I think about it, but anyway, we went outside and Russell motioned for me to sneak around back with him. I figured that meant we were going to have a smoke. We lit our Parliament Lights that Russell supplied and I noticed my friend was more himself than he had been in the last month. He wasn't taking his sisters passing as hard as he had his mothers apparently, then I noticed something even more shocking, Russell was pissed.
"Can't believe the stupid bitch did it." He told me.
"What?" I asked, not believing what I had just heard.
"Kill herself, that was stupid." Russell even began to laugh a little now. Still unbelieving, I remained silent. "She said she was going to do it and I told her she was an idiot to think about it. Said she didn't want to live without mom around."
"Wow, that's rough.", was all I could muster to say.
"I know she took Mom dying and all hard but did she think I didn't?" Russell flicked his cigarette into the tall scrub grass that grew in the back of the funeral parlor where his dead sisters body was lying. "I told her she needed to get a grip and get some help, and not the kind of help that comes from pills in a little orange bottle either, but she didn't listen. She never did"
I was getting uncomfortable with the conversation but I had to stand there and listen, that's what a friend does after all, right?
"She left a note." Russell informed me next. "Sorry Daddy, blah blah blah, I miss Mommy, and I want to go be with her. Blah blah blah." Was basically how the note read , Russell is good at paraphrasing.
"Jesus, Russell, that sucks." I was good at stating the obvious.
"Yeah especially since she won't be seeing Mom now. You don't get there by killing yourself." Russell started to walk back to the front of the funeral parlor. "She was stupid, and selfish. And now I gotta bury her." Russell had grown up more than should be expected of anyone his age in the past few months. I didn't know what this meant for our friendship. As I said, I wouldn't get long to find out either. Two weeks after we finished school for the year, Russell's father was told by his superior officer that he was being reassigned to Texas. On July 5, 1984 Russell and his father moved out of the yellow house in Alluvium Lakes, and out of New Jersey. We said we would write, and for a while, we did. I don't know if it was him or me that failed to eventually respond to the others letter, but it doesn't matter at this point. Now over twenty years later Russell is/was a distant memory. Very distorted, and very foggy. Sort of like the camera angles at this years Superbowl (thanks CBS!). Then a weird set of circumstances led me to Lakeview cemetery in Cherry Hill during the late summer of last year. A coworker's mother died and I went to the funeral. I ended up going to the grave site as well. During part of the funeral at the cemetery, I noticed we were just a few graves down from where Russell's mother and sister were buried. That's when I started to remember all of this story, and none of this would have appeared on my blog, except for the fact that a few minutes after we had all decided it was time to do the "drop the flower on the coffin thing", I saw someone who I thought I recognized standing a little bit away from the group and was near other graves.
It was Russell.
We talked for a while, exchanged phone numbers (he move back out here two years ago, well kind of near here, West Chester Pa. to be exact), hugged and then went on with our day. As I walked back to my car I thought of what a weird coincidence that was, sometimes you're just meant to be somewhere I guess. I gave one last glance back to Russell and the pair of graves. A large bouquet of flowers was on the grave to my left, his mothers grave. On his sisters there was one single rose. For Russell, I guess, some things are hard to forgive.