Confirmed Dead

So last week I needed to get my doo done. If you are a dear constant reader you know when it comes to gettin' my doo done, I go see "My David". We stopped to get David an unsweetened iced tea like we always do, and they were out of it, so we had to get him a caramel coffee. Both are very yum, but it was a warm day so I guess the iced tea went quick. We got to the salon and David announced to us he was moving. Not a big move, just from one studio apartment to another. A matter of a few doors down in fact. He asked if I would be able to help with the move. I had to work Saturday so I wasn't sure if I could make it that day, but since I was off Sunday I was able to help any time then. David accepted my offer so bright and early we arrived at 11:30 Sunday morning. He didn't get as much help as he thought he was going to get Saturday so there was still the dining room and his bedroom left to do. I didn't tell him, but it wasn't that much in the grand scheme of things either way. He's one guy that lives alone, how much could he have in a four room studio apartment? In a short 90 minutes we had the dining room done and there was only the bedroom and a few odds and ends left. Another of David's faithful clients arrived with her daughter and her entire girl scout troop. Well, they would be okay to deal with the odds and ends I figured. So we all stood around talking for a bit and then another troop mother arrived (another client of David's, he's got a lot of faithfuls) and she was talking to the group of girls when David came over to me and it is at this point I will try and give you the exact exchange that went on between us:


"Topher, I need you to do me a huge favor." David said to me in almost a whisper as he folded his arms then smiled and nodded at the girl scouts.

"Sure, what do you need?" I asked him, after I noticed he was getting a little bit nervous.


"Go upstairs to my bedroom and in my night table I need you to grab a few things out of it for me." David said all of this through his nervous grin. Barely moving his lips.

"Okay, what am I looking for?" I started to realize why I had to do this very soon as I heard the troop mothers begin to organize the girl scouts. They were ready to send them in to start moving stuff. Since they were too young to move anything substantial one of the mothers thought it was a good idea if they looked around to find some things they could handle easily.


"David, maybe the girls could pull the drawers out and you guys could move the dressers and night tables. That would make it easier for you, right?" Troop Mom #1 said.

"Oh, there you go, good idea. Want them to start in the bedroom?" Troop Mom #2 piped in.


"Maybe start in the dining room and living room getting the last few things there so our path is clear when we move the dresser and bed." David quickly suggested. Then he turned his attention back to me.

"What am I getting?" I asked again.


"In my night table, pull out the drawer and get everything they shouldn't see." David ordered as he motioned towards the girl scouts when he said they.

I understood and any more was not needed to be said. "Gotcha." was all I offered.


I went inside the downstairs door and ran up the stairs taking them two at a time. The scout troop, four in the dinning room and two in the kitchen were doing as David had asked. There was a magazine rack, a few pots and pans, some nick knacks, and a few boxes left. The last of the boxes, I figured, would not be on the list of things they could carry. They would soon spread to the bedroom like a virulent infection. I made my way to the bedroom and quickly scanned the room. My glance went from dresser to window to full length oval mirror and then to the bed. Next to the bed was the aforementioned night table. I looked back to the dinning room and could see most of the girls were already making their way out and carrying what the could to the new apartment. I had a few minutes so I didn't close the door although I considered it and then rejected the idea as it might make me seem a little more suspicious and I still wasn't exactly sure just what i was there for.

I sat on the side of the bed and took a deep breath then opened the draw. I was able to see what I was there for almost immediately. The exact inventory of what I had to secret away reads as follows:

• two packs of condoms both Durex brand
  
• one tube of personal lubrication
  
• two (ahem) personal massagers
  
• two black rubber (the word for a male chicken, and I don't mean "rooster") rings
  
• one cloth ring like the black rubber ones mentioned above with adjustable snaps
  a pair of "love dice"
  
• a few things that I don't really know what they were but looked like they should be included.

Suddenly I wished one of two things were different in my life. Either (a) I had a slightly less perverted gay hair stylist, or (b) I was wearing pants with bigger pockets. So, not wanting to make two trips I took a pillow case off of one of the pillows and shoveled all of the offending items inside of it and put the rest of the items in my pockets. I slung the pillow case over my shoulder and exited the bedroom. The apartment was still empty and I made my way down the stairs and outside.

David greeted me at the door and asked if I had gotten everything. I told him I had thought so but if he wanted to go check to make sure I would come back. Which he did. As he went upstairs to his old apartment he stopped and yelled down for me to put all of "that" in the bedroom closet in the new apartment. Which I did successfully.

The rest of the move, I am happy to say, was relatively uneventful. Thanks goes to all who helped as well as David for making even something as mundane as "Moving Day" interesting and exciting if not dangerous! Love ya lots!