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The Most Exquisitely Sad Songs In The Entire World

There's no shortage of sad songs about rainy days and lovers who don't bring flowers. And then there are songs that truly bring the pain -- songs so despairing they can make us wonder why we even bother. Here are some little ditties so crushing, they could knock Dick Cheney to his knees.

'Nothing Compares 2 U' Sinead O'Connor (1990) The Breakdown: In this Prince-penned purple ode to an incomparable ex, there is life after love, but life really sucks. The Waterworks: "Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling/Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?" Casualty Count: One lover, seven hours, fifteen days.

'No Surprises' Radiohead (1997) The Breakdown: A killer even by Thom Yorke's bleak standards, the kiddie chimes can't hide the singer's suicidal depression. The Waterworks: "I'll take a quiet life/A handshake, some carbon monoxide." Casualty Count: One heart that's "full up like a landfill."

'Space Oddity' David Bowie (1969) The Breakdown: In the same year as our lunar landing, rock's space alien creates Major Tom, whose remains will travel the galaxy alone forever. The Waterworks: "Tell my wife I love her very much." Casualty Count: One astronaut.

'Lost Cause' Beck (2002) The Breakdown: The postmodern trickster reaches back to the Romantic era for the most depressing song on his breakup album, 'Sea Change.' The Waterworks: "I'm tired of fighting/Fighting for a lost cause." Casualty Count: The one love of your life.

'I've Gotta Get a Message to You' Bee Gees (1968) The Breakdown: Condemned man makes final plea to loved one. The Waterworks: "One more hour and my life will be through." Casualty Count: One convicted murderer with a heart of gold.

'Back to Black' Amy Winehouse (2006) The Breakdown: An ominous song of impending misery following infidelity, sung by a woman with her departing lover's name tattooed on her chest. The Waterworks: "You go back to her/And I go back to black." Casualty Count: A lover. Sobriety? Sanity?

'Shilo' Neil Diamond (1968) The Breakdown: Lonely kid turns to an imaginary friend. The Waterworks: "Papa says he'd love to be with you/If he had the time." Casualty Count: One squandered father-son relationship.

'My Mom' Chocolate Genius (1998) The Breakdown: Recent Springsteen sideman cut this heartbreaker about a return visit to his childhood home, and the mother he was losing to senility. The Waterworks: "My mom, my sweet mom/She don't remember my name." Casualty Count: One Alzheimer's victim (and one dog).

'Naked as We Came' Iron & Wine (2004) The Breakdown: Indie folkie Sam Beam's brutally sweet love song acknowledging that one always has to die before the other, plus a plug for cremation. The Waterworks: "If I leave before you, darling/Don't you waste me in the ground." Casualty Count: Your better half.

'Brick' Ben Folds Five (1997) The Breakdown: Singer recalls taking his high-school girlfriend to get an abortion -- on the day after Christmas, no less. The Waterworks: "Now that I have found someone/I'm feeling more alone/Than I ever have before." Casualty Count: One pregnancy, one first love, several Christmas presents.

'In the Real World' Roy Orbison (1989) The Breakdown: The master of pop-opera misery ('Crying,' 'It's Over') outdid himself with this quavering answer to his own 'In Dreams.' Posthumously released. The Waterworks: "I love you and you love me/But sometimes we must let it be." Casualty Count: All dreams.

'Concrete Angel' Martina McBride(2001) The Breakdown: What's more devastating than a child's headstone? The Waterworks: "A name is written on a polished rock/A broken heart that the world forgot." Casualty Count: One victim of child abuse.

'Hallelujah' Jeff Buckley (1994) The Breakdown: Leonard Cohen's existential hymn addressing an old fling becomes a heavenly, if unanswered, prayer in the hands of the ill-fated Buckley. The Waterworks: "Love is not a victory march/It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah." Casualty Count: One crisis of faith.

'He Stopped Loving Her Today' George Jones (1980) The Breakdown: Sung by the country star with the most tears in his beer this side of Hank Sr., a jilted lover carries his old flame's memory until his dying day. The Waterworks: "I went to see him just today/Oh, but I didn't see no tears/All dressed up to go away/First time I'd seen him smile in years." Casualty Count: One fatally broken

'I Know It's Over' The Smiths (1986) The Breakdown: For Morrissey, the world's loneliest singer, life isn't just over -- it never really began. The Waterworks: "As I climb into an empty bed/Oh, well, enough said." Casualty Count: One lonely soul ... any minute now.

'Hurt' Johnny Cash (2002) The Breakdown: In failing health, the great American singer tolls a death knell for the rest of us with this brutal Nine Inch Nails song about addiction and self-destruction. The Waterworks: "And you could have it all/My empire of dirt/I will let you down/I will make you hurt." Casualty Count: Everyone he knows ("goes away in the end").

'Eleanor Rigby' The Beatles (1966) The Breakdown: The cute Beatles write a timeless, devastating ode to the futility of life, set to a grieving string octet. The Waterworks: "Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name/Nobody came." Casualty Count: One spinster, one pair of socks.

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Gloomy Sunday' Billie Holiday (1941) The Breakdown: The Queen of Soul-Sapping is haunted about losing a loved one. The Waterworks: "Angels have no thought of returning you/Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?" Casualty Count: One woman's will to live.

'Tell Laura I Love Her' Ray Peterson (1960) The Breakdown: Tommy raced his car at the track to get the $1,000 prize to buy Laura a wedding ring. Only he died on the track: The Waterworks: "As they pulled him from the twisted wreck/On his dying breath they heard him say/'Tell Laura I love her/Tell Laura I need her/Tell Laura not to cry/My love for her will never die." Casualty Count: Tommy and Laura's $1,000 wedding ring down the tubes.

'Patches' Clarence Carter (1970) In less than four minutes, Patches loses his father, mother, the farm, and I think the dog dies. Oh, and he has to quit school to support his siblings.

'I Can't Make You Love Me' Bonnie Raitt (1991) The Breakdown: There's nothing sadder in the world than loving someone who doesn't love you in return. The Waterworks: "Here in the dark in these final hours/I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power/But you won't, no you won't." Casualty Count: One unrequited love.

'Last Kiss' Pearl Jam (1999) (originally made popular by J. Frank Wilson) The Breakdown: Teenager hits stalled car in the road and kills his girlfriend in the collision ... gives her a last kiss as she dies. The Waterworks: Pick any line after the first chorus and go with that! Casualty Count: Another Teenage in Love, maybe this guy should go look for Laura, since she's like, not got anything to do.)

'Everybody Hurts' R.E.M. (1992) The Breakdown: If the saying is true that it's always darkest before the dawn, well this song is clearly taking place well before daybreak. Whenever I need a good cry this is the song I reach for. The Waterworks: 'If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long/When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on/ Well, everybody hurts sometimes' Casualty Count: A lot of tears.

'Seasons in the Sun' Terry Jacks (1974) The Breakdown: Young guy dying and saying goodbye to everyone. The Waterworks: "Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me/I was the black sheep of the family." Casualty Count: One young guy, lots of wine, lots of seasons, lots of joy, ah, you get the idea.

'The Christmas Shoes' NewSong (2000) The Breakdown: A little boy who wants to buy Christmas shoes for his dying mother, so that she could wear them when she meets Jesus. The Waterworks: Daddy says there's not much time/You see, she's been sick for quite a while/And I know these shoes will make her smile/And I want her to look beautiful/If Momma meets Jesus tonight. Casualty Count: One little boys mother and his enjoyment of Christmas, probably, for the rest of his life.

'Alone Again (Naturally)' Gilbert O'Sullivan (1972) The Breakdown: A guy on his way to jump off to his death after being stood up by his bride on his wedding day (and a whole lot of other issues) can suck the life out of any optimist. The Waterworks: 'Leaving me to doubt all about God and His mercy/For if He really does exist why did He desert me in my hour of need?/I truly am indeed, alone again, naturally' Casualty Count: The jilted lover, faith in God, his father, and his mother, and lots of broken hearts.

'Cat's in the Cradle' Harry Chapin (1974) Th Breakdown: Father works his whole life and never spends time with son. Then when his son grows up, he never visits his father. Kinda like "Shilo Part 2". The Waterworks: 'And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me/He'd grown up just like me/My boy was just like me'

'Tears in Heaven' Eric Clapton (1992) The Breakdown: Inspired by the death of his five-year-old son, who died falling from a hotel window. What can top that? The Waterworks: 'I must be strong, and carry on/Cause I know I don't belong/Here in heaven' Casualty Count: Connor Clapton.

Darren Daulton Day In Philadelphia

This was a promotional day shortly after "Dutch" retired. Apparently it was a real crowd pleaser!

Tricia Tanaka Is Dead

...And Darren Daulton Is Insane!

Exactly when this happened I don't have a clue, but trust me, he is! And I got proof. First of all, perhaps I should back track and tell you (if you don't know) who he even is. In the late '90's Daulton or "Dutch" as he was called by his team mates was the catcher for the Phillies. Admittedly, he was pretty good eye candy as well, perhaps would still be even by today's standards. He was macho, funny, big, and a pretty good baseball player. During the Phillies World Series run of '93 he was one of the leaders of the teams clique "Macho Row". Macho Row also included the likes of Lenny Dykstra and John Kruk. They were the leaders of the team. They liked to play baseball, in between drinking, smoking, and womanizing. It was in 1991 that he was almost killed along with Dykstra when the two was coming home from Kruk's bachelor party and crashed. Dykstra was driving with an alcohol level of .017. Daulton had several DUI charges in his life between '88 and '01. But is was after the arrest for an '01 incident we want to focus on. He was involved in a single-vehicle accident on January 3, 2001, causing $20,000 worth of damage to his BMW sedan. He refused a breathalyzer, and was charged with DUI, driving with a suspended license, and failing to appear in court. Daulton claims the accident was a result of getting run off the road in lieu of a business deal with ties to the FBI and the White House. Uh, huh? Exactly two years later, he was arrested again for driving with a suspended license and DUI, after again refusing to be tested for alcohol. Daulton was also arrested on domestic violence charges, accused of abusing his second wife Nicole, who subsequently filed for divorce. In 2004, he spent two months in jail for contempt of court after refusing to abide by the terms of a legal agreement related to the divorce.

Here comes the fun parts; Daulton holds a series of beliefs related to conspiracies, metaphysics, and numerology. He maintains that the universe is created and sustained by numerical synchronises, and that all matter is charged with vibrational energy, which has escaped human perception because it is extra dimensional in origin. He believes that those who are conscious of this energy can manipulate it to affect reality in different ways, such as altering the weather. He also believes that the pyramids and Mayan temples were created by a lost civilization, and that people with knowledge of the workings of the system will "ascend" at the conclusion of the Mayan calendar on Dec. 21, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. (Greenwich Mean Time just in case you ant to be ready!), vanishing into a new plane of existence. He recently claimed in a televised interview with ESPN that he has "skipped through time" and undergone "astral travel." Which in and of itself doesn't exactly make him crazy. Here's a quote from the interview:

"That will be the end of this dispensation. I really don't know how to explain it. I don't know what words to use so people won't think I'm goofy. But by Dec. 21, 2012, people will have a pretty good idea. It's all about consciousness and love. We have the ability to create whatever we want. We're all made of energy."

He believes that we are all going to vanish! He's a member of the Fifth Dimension. Not the '60's singing group either. But the loopy one. But wait, there's more:

"I've been thrown in jail five or six times. Nicole thinks I'm crazy. She blames everything on drugs and drinking. But I don't take drugs and I'm not a drunk. Nicole just doesn't understand metaphysics."

Not a drunk, hmmm, police records beg to diff, Dutch. Apparently not many of his friends get it either:

"When I share my thoughts and experiences with them, I tell them there's absolutely no way their minds can comprehend what I'm trying to relate, my friends are limited to the five senses. I didn't have my first out-of-body experience until I was 35. (Curiously, the epiphany occurred at one of baseball's holiest shrines -- Wrigley Field.) "I hit a line-drive just inside the third base line to help win a game. The strange thing was I didn't hit that ball. I never hit balls inside the third base line! He left the ballpark in tears. "I told my wife, 'It wasn't me who swung that bat! It wasn't me!' She thought I was Loony Tunes."

She's not alone.

Home alone in Tampa, Daulton spends much of his spare time typing up his mystical musings. The notes read like they were dictated by the True Believers who hitched a ride with Comet Hale-Bopp. "Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram, they are created by sacred geometry -- numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE." During the Dutch Enlightenment, No. 11 has been as significant as it was in Spinal Tap. "I'll wake up at night and look at the clock and it's 11:11," he says. "I'll turn on the TV and see a baseball game tied at 11 in the 11th inning. I'll look out the window and see a car passing with 1111 on the license plate. The car will turn into a driveway with 1111 on the mailbox."

Oddly enough, he played most of his career with the number 10 on his jersey. If it had been an 11 I might have believed all of it.