Tale of Two Cities

I told you those stories so I could tell you this one. I told Russell I was going to be including the stories about him in my blog. He was okay with that, then I told him what stories I was going to write about and he was a little bit worried. He knows me pretty well it turns out even though we had not seen or spoken in over 20 years. As it turns out he liked what I wrote (although he remembers some of it differently than I do but hey, it's my blog so I have final word) in fact he sent me an email that after I read it I decided I would edit down a bit and then include here in my blog so you might get a better understanding of Russell. With that in mind I let Russell take over as guest writer.


Cheekies (some names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.-Ed.),
Ok not so bad even tho you got a few things wrong, but I get the editing for dramatic effect and all so I'll give you a passadena. I told you after we left Texas we went to Mass and then Pheonix right? Well let me tell you coming back out here has been culture shock for me, but I am refamiliarizing myself with the area. But I gotta ask you where do you people learn how to drive? From what I can tell this is the handbook they give you when you apply for a liscence here.


NJ Drivers Manual

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

14. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Hope you like that, and hey are most of the people that read your blog thing from NJ?

See ya
Russell


(this ends the guest writer's part of the blog)


All I can say is welcome back and it's our state, get used to it! Also I know why Russell put in #4, he got rear ended doing exactly that very thing a few weeks ago. Um, what's ABS? You're way over my head on this one! For #11 you can thank us later. As for #12, you're goddamn right, I got shit to do, why else are the horns there? The goal in #13 should be everyones, what's the problem? "Flipping the bird", as you put it, is our state bird. Man, do you have a lot to get reaquainted with. Now if you would get registered you could comment on the blog you have now helped create (hint hint).