I like nuts. Not all nuts but some nuts. For instance; I like your normal run of the mill peanuts, but I don't like almonds. I love walnuts but hate Brazil nuts. Cashews are my favorite, mmm heaven on earth. Pecans should be eradicated from the face of the planet. Why am I telling you all this, you may ask. Well, I am basically trying to show that you cannot lump all types of nuts into one label of "nut". You can't say "I don't like nuts" or "I love nuts". That is, of course, unless you actually either hate or love all nuts but I don't think someone like that exists. At least they shouldn't be allowed to. That's like saying "I love all Barry Manilow songs". It just can't be done. Anyway, all of this leads me to the point of this entry: nuts. No not the seed/fruit things we like to down with beer and baseball. I'm talking about "Nuts" the people. Nutty people. Again, in this situation, I like some "nuts". This is where it gets dicey. What I mean is again, we can't lump all nutty people in one group. OK, for that sake of argument let's include all the nutters that are locked up in asylums or prisons in one group and agree that they are bad. Although the obvious bad ones I'm not talking about, I mean the ones that are all around us, and they are there everyday. We see them at work, we see them on the roads, in the stores, at the doctors office, we even see them in our neighborhoods, our houses, and we see them on TV. Let's try and identify some of them and as a side effect of identifying them, we get to label them, and maybe understand where they are in our social make-up.
The Sad Nut
This one hides very well, they are not easily observed. They look normal most of the time. For some reason, most of them are female. They are either (a) about to cry, (b) just finished crying, or (c) right in the middle of crying. There's not a lot you can do for them (unless you have done something to cause the crying, but then that's a different side road we are not traveling down this trip) not matter what stage they are in. You may offer condolences, understanding, or just a shoulder for them to bury their pathetic head on while they cry (the level of pathetic-ness increases greatly if it is a male crying, in which case you are not obligated to do a damn thing) and continue to do so until the spell is over. If you find yourself married to this type of nut, you can expect a lot of unfounded blame and a world full of aggravation.
The Angry Nut
In direct opposition to the sad nut, we have the angry nut. Everything in the world pisses them off. They don't like music, they don't like children, they hate puppies, and they despise the elderly. Nothing can satisfy them and everything that is wrong in their life is someone else's fault. They usually give you the finger while they pass you on the road, sigh loudly while waiting behind you in line at the bank, and the dirty looks that they give you at the counter in Burger King while you decide what you want on your Whopper would make Patton fear for his life. They will argue over any and everything and they are always ready for a fight. Stay clear of them any time you can. If there is nothing you can do to avoid contact with them try to be overly nice to them. Yes they hate that, but it's hard for them to argue or start a fight with someone who acts like their farts tickle.
The Happy Nut
This one is completely harmless, but the easiest to spot. They are the ones smiling at funerals. Laughing at "Terms of Endearment" and giggling when dogs get hit by cars. Nothing upsets them, nothing can make them be serious. They can be spotted by their inappropriately timed comments. They will laugh at everything, also at inappropriate times. Uncontrollable laughter. What's worse is they will make you laugh right along with them if even just for a second. Which is long enough to make everyone else think you are an evil prick. This is where their power lies. They are the socially unacceptable but they are a chameleon when it is time for blame. It is important to realize they do not do it for spite or to be the instigator of a bad situation. Or do they?
The Scary Nut
This one hides in many forms and can be divided into two subsets: the dangerous and the not dangerous. First let's look at the non dangerous types. They are the people walking through the malls talking to themselves. The ones with twitches, ticks, and the guttural grunts. Sometimes homeless or at least look like they must be. They refuse to bathe or comb their hair. They wear wrinkled clothes and mismatched socks. The blue tooth phone as well as the "IPod" have allowed these people to better fit in with society, but they are still there. Trust me. Now, the dangerous types are the ones that should be in the asylums or prisons but are not, yet. You know they are guilty of some sort of weird and creepy crime but have not been caught. You do not want to be alone with these people. Ever! There is only a slight difference between these and the non dangerous types. They both talk to themselves but the dangerous ones usually throw curses in there. Often threats can be heard as well. When you tell them outside of the Wawa that no,you don't have a smoke they can bum, they usually are aggressive and will call you something under their breath but loud enough to make you get in your car and lock the doors before starting it.
...Sorry, I have to go now, I've brought back some bad memories. The scars are too recent. I cannot share right now. I'll be okay.
Well I gave you that list so I could give you this here one. Listed below are the movies I am embarrassed to say I have seen!
