White Rabbit

Dog Shit-An In-depth Look Part 1

No lengthy, philosophical examination of dog shit would be complete without first pondering more existential questions like why dogs shit, and how. The answers may surprise and delight you. There are many interlocking components to the dog shit process. Food eaten by a dog (cupcakes, floppy disks, corn dogs, Vicodin) must first be processed into simpler, smaller elements suitable for delivery via the bloodstream to muscle and fatty tissue in the canine's body. The digestive system of your dog begins at the lips and finishes under the tail, at a puckering donut-shaped curiosity scientists have nicknamed the anus. When you see a dog (or cat) who appears to be licking his or her own balls, it's more likely the animal is suffering from anal gland disease. Both the external anal sphincter and anal sac can become impacted or infected as the result of contaminants left behind by the anus, leading to feelings of pain and pressure best relieved by several hours of enthusiastic licking. The domesticated dog's alternative to licking is the act of scooting -- sliding one's anus across a coarse or thickly carpeted floor to soothe "itchy" feelings near the tail and hindquarters. Another reason for licking and scooting might be worms, a subject beyond the range of this modest tutorial. For those interested in further study, putting dog shit under a microscope can yield a full afternoon of excitement and wonder. Monocyclic sporocysts are wiggly, protozoan parasites visible in the feces of dogs who have eaten infected earthworms. Cells in a dog's body naturally generate waste by-products which must be eliminated through the kidneys, the lungs, the skin and digestive system. These organs are part of a larger excretory system. Of course, not everything a dog eats can be digested properly, or even used to store energy. The unwanted digestive material left behind on city sidewalks and community dog parks is called feces in America, and faeces to those residing in the United Kingdom, Ireland, Wales, or Scotland. In Sydney, Australia, one can find over 100 tons of fresh dog shit dumped on the ground each day. Rich in phosphorous, Australian dog shit washes down hills after torrential rains, killing plant life.

There used to be an old joke: How do you tell an American in Paris? He's the one picking the shit up after his dog. Americans stopped picking up dog shit a long time ago, preferring instead to pantomime picking up dog shit when witnesses at the dog park are present but still too far away to see if there's really anything in your hand. It's been universally acknowledged that France has the worst metropolitan dog shit problem. Each day, Parisian sidewalks, alleys and gutters are choked to excess with ten tons of golden brown, oven-baked baguettes left behind by the city's 200,000 dogs. It's been estimated that in a single year, six hundred people break a limb after slipping on French dog shit -- and in recent years, failure-to-pick-up fines have grown to five hundred dollars per loaf. And yes, in France there really is a Dog Shit Patrol: a subclass of the Parisian police force which manifests itself in a brigade of sixty-or-so green lawnmower motorcycles. These patrol vehicles search and scan for errant piles, circumnavigating city streets deemed most popular by tourists and politicians.

If you're an animal hoarder who resides in a rural apartment complex with a strict no-dogs-allowed policy, you can still get several hundred fake dogs. In its first week on the U.S. market, the Nintendo corporation sold a quarter-million units of Nintendogs: small, handheld devices which simulate the high-polygon dog ownership experience while tastefully eliminating the need for Mylar poo bags. If the idea of feeding, walking, and playing with fake dogs doesn't tickle your fancy, maybe you'd prefer a house full of fake dog shit, which comes in a variety of shapes. Machine-molded plastic dollops and rubberized poostuffs are key staples of novelty shops around the world. This "gag" gift makes it possible for apartment dwellers (or the financially disadvantaged) to circumvent traditional health code regulations and simulate the everyday presence of dogs in their homes or offices. Fake dog shit really fills the void. A softer, suppler variant of plastic dog shit can be created with organic ingredients right in your own kitchen. Just ask Hollywood prop master Mark Jameson, who was charged with just such a task when actors in The 'Burbs (Tom Hanks, 1989) complained they didn't want to step in the real thing: "We had a mixture of canned dog food, bean dip, and various other nasty-looking food items. After mixing the concoction, we loaded it into empty caulking tubes and squeezed it out where needed. It placed a perfectly-shaped dropping."

Dateline Germany, January 2005. Police in the sleepy hamlet of Bayreuth are in a bit of a pickle. Someone -- or something -- is jamming miniature toothpick flag portraits of U.S. President George W Bush into piles of dog shit on sidewalks, public parks, and pedestrian thoroughfares. Josef Oettl, parks administrator for Bayreuth, said: "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been claimed during that time. The dog-shit-on-a-stick motif was originally thought to be some sort of protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. When the structures survived for several consecutive seasons (weathering rain, snow, and extreme temperatures in all directions) the flags were thought to be a protest against Bush's campaign for re-election. In 2006, the dog shit Bush parade is still going strong. Police say they are completely baffled as to who might be responsible. "We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is doing this in the act," said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. "But frankly, we don't know what we would do if we caught them red handed." Legal experts claim there's no law against using dog shit as a flag stand, although Federal legal analysts warn the Constitution is vague on the issue.

Part 2 Coming Soon (I know you can't wait!)