Let’s face it, work sucks. I’m a working man, I’ve been at the bottom of the ladder, I've been close to the top, I know what it’s like. Don’t be fooled by claims that a company is like a family. A company is like a prison, and they’re trying to make you the bitch. From now to back before the industrial revolution working men (and women) have been exploited for company profits. No matter what your human resources manager claims, you’re nothing but a cog in the machine. But don’t lose your head and start smarting off to your boss. Confrontation is not an option, you can be fired and replaced in a day. Just because your company treats you like shit is no reason for you to be unemployed. Why give up your job when you can turn the tables, fuck things up and get paid for it? There are other ways to fight back. Subtle insubordination is an art form. Don’t be exploited, be the exploiter. With that in mind, I’ve thought up a few simple ideas on how to get along in the workplace.
Number 1: A Probationary Period is Like A Warranty: A lot of places hire an employee with a few months of ‘probationary period’. That means they can fire you for any reason within those first few months. This is the ‘ass kissing’ period. Do whatever it takes to keep your boss happy. If you have a hearing problem, or bad eyesight, now is NOT the time to tell them. Once those three months are up, then it’s time to fuck around. It’s all easy from here, just don’t give them a definite reason to fire you and you’re set.
Number 2: Walk, Don’t Run: This one is a no-brainer. Running is for suckers, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If your boss gives you shit for not working fast enough, explain that you have an 8 hour shift to endure, and the most efficient way to do it is to work at a steady pace. Faking old injuries comes in handy here too. Having a bad back can save you a truck load of trouble.
Number 3: Play Dumb: Usually the company thinks you’re an idiot anyways, otherwise they’d be paying you a hell of a lot more. If you’re smarter than your boss thinks you are, this can easily be used to your advantage. Don’t be fooled, proving that you’re smarter does not lead to promotions, no matter what they told you in the job interview. You should never, ever admit to knowingly doing something wrong, but if you’re boss does catch you red handed, claim ignorance. It may not hold up in court, but it’s your best bet when trying to wiggle out of a jam. Furthermore, if you’re stuck in front of the human resources dude, and he’s telling you it was funny how you offered your “Impaler” to the girl at the front desk, or that he understood why you pocketed 500 dollars from the company register, continue to claim you have no idea what he’s talking about. He may act like he’s your best friend, but all he’s trying to do is get you to own up. Remember, no confession, no case.
Number 4: Know Your Terrain: Most working environments have little things you can exploit. The manager can’t be everywhere at once, punch cards aren’t always monitored carefully, some working areas are shit for communication. If you work in a large area, find out where the manager is, and once you’re out of sight feel free to goof off. Find out how to abuse the system. Want an example? Unscheduled breaks are a luxury that can be enjoyed in any workplace, if you know how to do it right.
Number 5: Bathroom Breaks are a Right, Not a Privilege: I don’t care what kind of asshole you have for a boss, he can’t fire you for using the can. People who crap on their breaks are suckers, there’s nothing like taking a dump on company time. Bring a hand-held video game with you if you like. Handled smoothly you can last 20 minutes sitting on the crapper, even if you don’t have to go. If you’re feeling cocky, you can do it multiple times and claim you have diarrhea. Then, in addition to pissing away (no pun intended) anywhere from 20-40 minutes on the can, you can claim illness and move on to number 6.
Number 6: Take Advantage of First Aid: Often company policy is that if you sustain any injury, you go immediately to the first aid room. And that does mean ANY injury, right down to a paper cut. The rationale is that it will get you used to reporting accidents, and also the injury might be more serious than you think. So next time you’re bored, take out your pen knife and draw a drop of blood from your pinky finger. Then you can begin the long, slow walk to the first aid room, stand around and wait while the attendant is summoned, and then you can sit and chat while he cleans, disinfects, and bandages your little ‘red badge of courage.’ Then enjoy the long, slow walk back to your station. Handled smoothly, this should use up another 20 minutes.
That should be enough to get you started. Once you put your mind to it, you should be able to find plenty of your own little tricks. Every job is different, but there are always loopholes. You might lose that 10 cent/hour raise you were promised, but you should be able to gain a few hundred bucks worth of stolen time. And don’t worry if your boss gets pissed. Remember, you’re just doing your job.
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