S.O.S

"That's about the size of it." - C. Rice

Overstating Our Union

We apologize for the inconvenient interruption of your normally scheduled blog, but I couldn't help it. This is the play-by-play of the State of the Union address since it was on every channel except for TBS or Spike and Ultimate Fighter and Seinfeld reruns just wasn't doing it for me last night.

9:04 President is officially announced.

9:10 President makes entrance claims delay was because quote "American Idol is such a damn good show, ain't it Dick? Heh Heh, I said dick."

9:11 News guy tells me that some congressmen (and women) get in early, some as much as three hours early, to get the primo handshake seats for photo ops. Apparently they feel that in two years when I go to the polls I'm going to remember the guy who was on tv for two seconds shaking the President's hand as he walked down the aisle to give his state of the union. Of course I'm not going to remember anything about health care reform or the War on Terror (there's that capitalization trauma I put on myself again). I'll just remember that guy shaking GW's hand. Yeah okay, keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep better.

9:12: I notice the president is wearing a Carolina-blue tie. I hate Carolina-blue. Therefore I now hate George Bush. Is that a demonstration of the properties of a transitive equation? I don't know where that last part came from.

9:15: Fuckers are still cheering. Is this real, or faked? I think the Speaker of the house definitely looks like she's faking it. (By the way, does anyone else think Nancy Pelosi is kinda hot, at least as far as Speakers of the House go?).

9:16: Ooh... Madam Speaker... I love it when you bang that gavel. Let the games begin.

9:17: GW just said aloud he was proud to begin his speech by saying "Madam Speaker." I wonder what he's thinking in his head? If it was Clinton, I'd say I know what he's thinking in his head. "Giggidy, giggidy!"

9:19: I wonder if half the senators need hip replacements after every State of the Union the way they make those old geezers stand up and sit down so much.

9:21: Nancy (the Speaker broad, not Reagan) can't stop blinking. Why is she blinking so much? Does she even realize she's doing it? It's more distracting than the reflection off Dick Cheney's bald spot for Christ sake.

9:22: Guess we're gonna start with that pesky economy thing the prez has to deal with every year. Everyone's clapping because GW wants to balance the budget. That's good news, I guess. Good luck with that, George. I wouldn't trust you to balance my friggin' check book!

9:23: Apparently the Democrats didn't want to applaud Bush when he said he wasn't going to raise taxes. Either the Democrats want to raise taxes (wouldn't surprise me), or they remember the elder Bush saying the same thing. I'm still going to go with the former... Democrats seem to hate rich people.

9:24: Close up on Hillary in her little pink shirt. She looks like she's zoned out. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably wondering if anyone would notice her flicking Barack Obama on the ear. I bet that's why she sat behind him. Speaking of Barack (who the hell named this guy anyway?), does he realize he's automatically at a disadvantage cause of that name. Just change the "B" to an "S" and it's a whole new ballgame folks!

9:25: Senator Kennedy is sleeping. Everyone in Vegas who took under 15 minutes wins.

9:26: I begin to wonder if GW would have been one of the "slower" kids benefiting from "No Child Left Behind" if the program existed when he was growing up?

9:27: Even Dick Cheney doesn't look excited about re-authorizing no child left behind. But come to think of it, I can't remember if I've ever seen Dick Cheney excited about anything, except for that whole shooting his buddy thing. Oh, and by the way last time we checked, his daughter's still a lesbian, and he hates that fact!

9:28: Camera looks to Hillary as the president talks about crappy healthcare. I think she's blushing a little. That's right bitch, no one's forgotten that you're the one who screwed that up. But I still might vote or you.

9:29: I recognize more faces on the field of an arena football game than I do at the floor of the State of the Union. Is that a bad thing? And was that Dikembe Mutumbo (look him up if you need, want, or care to) sitting next to Laura Bush? Couldn't have been. I must be getting tired!

9:30: I think John McCain is winking at the President. Is this some sort of secret code? Or is he actually just winking at Nancy who happens to be behind the President? At least that might help explain all her blinking.

9:31: I swear I just saw Hillary flick Barack Obama in the ear. Did anyone else see that? I can't wait for the presidential primaries next year.

9:33: That looked like the most uncomfortable sip of water I've ever seen. Do you think it was actually written into his speech? You know, like when a pornstar is finished sucking a guy and he's ready to shove it up her fleshy pink pie, but instead he has to spend the next five minutes feasting on the yeast because it's in the script, and it's the most uncomfortable and un-arousing part of the entire scene. And did I just compare the State of the Union to a porno?

9:36: Did I just hear Dub say: "I'd like to announce I am officially hiring Jack Bauer to head our Homeland Security department."? He does know 24 is a tv show, right?

9:38: Nancy, for the Love of God, STOP BLINKING!!!!!! I think it's going to cause me to have a seizure.

9:39: I know he keeps saying Shiite, but it sounds like he's saying Shit. Is the State of the Union really supposed to be this funny? I'm not even drinking. Though next year, remind me to make up a drinking game for it.

9:40: Good news, everyone applauded when GW said we have to protect the American people. I'm glad to know both Democrats and Republicans like protecting the American people. But honestly, I think the line GW used was stolen straight from a conversation I had over the phone the other day with an old high school buddy who happens to be Muslim. Coincidence? Or violation or privacy rights? You decide.

9:41: I think Condoleezza is constipated (or just really scared of the Frankenstein-looking guy sitting next to her).

9:42: John McCain is definitely asleep. But what can you expect? He's a geriatric from Arizona. It's 9:42. This is way past his bed time.

9:44: George Bush says, "Everyone here wishes this war were over and won." This from the same guy who declared victory how many years ago?

9:47: GW uses the word "terrorist" or some variation of it four times in two minutes. In a side note, according to Random House Dictionary, a terrorist is: "a person who terrorizes or frightens others." I wonder, does that mean George Bush is considered a terrorist in Iraq? Methinks yes.

9:50: Haha... Bush just said the word "duties."

9:56: Shit... phone call. I'm back. What did I miss? Nancy still blinking? Check. President still pursing his lips at every pause? Check? Dick Cheney still not breathing? Check. Good, I didn't miss anything.

9:57: Dikembe Mutumbo is sitting next to Laura Bush at the State of the Union. I'm not crazy. And my friend Russell owes me five bucks.

9:58: Why did GW just refer to Dikembe as a "Son of the Congo?" Isn't that an insult? Can I start referring to my black friends as sons or daughters of whatever African nation their ancestors were from? Or better yet, why don't I just start doing it to everyone. My friend Russell will no longer be called Russell, and instead referred to as: "Son of Westchester." Yo, Son of Westchester... where's my five bucks?

9:59: I'm disappointed in myself. I recognized Dikembe right away, but I totally botched the "Julie Aigner, creator of Baby Einstein" call. Oddly enough, I now owe Russell 15 bucks. On a somewhat related note, I knew I wasn't crazy thinking my conversations with Russell have been getting a bit more advanced lately.

10:02: John Kerry just high-tailed it out of that chamber floor faster than a diabetic at the Krispy Kreme factory. I didn't know he could move that fast.

10:04: I think GW just pinched Condoleezza's ass. You lucky, lucky bastard.

10:05: What's the going rate for an autograph from the President of the United States? I just bet Russell, double or nothing, that one of those programs he's signing shows up on Ebay within the next week.

10:06: And that's it for the most exciting hour on television, folks. Tomorrow, it's back to your regularly scheduled program.

The Official 2007 Super Bowl Party Online Invite

Dave

Well, seeing as how the Eagles shot their collective wad when they went and lost in the Big Sleazy, (I still say the fix was in!) it means I now get to turn my attention to the Super Bowl. Super Bowl XLI, to be exact. Another one where the best part of it will be the commercials and of course the party that comes with it. That also includes the people there, I'm lookin' at you now Cerpts and, hell, Fink too if his little "ball and chain" he calls a fiance will let him come out for the party. In fact, bring her too since I ain't got the chance to check her out yet. Oh and Cerpts, since I could only come up with the blueberry buckle part of your request, I thought maybe this pic of Mrs. Monaghan would suffice. A short pause while we take another gander at her ... ahh ... that's good eatin right there. OK, back to your normally scheduled blog entry. The week of the Super Bowl will be an awesome week this year. Read on for actual proof. We got the Super Bowl on Sunday February 4th, we got the second half premier of the winter or spring or whatever the frigg they are calling this next bunch of Lost episodes on Wednesday the 7th, then the next night the 8th we have the new season of Survivor starting. This season is in Fiji. This of course is not mentioning the usual collection of Boob Tuberific programming that I also enjoy on a daily basis. The Super Bowl party is gonna make for a great way to kick off the beginning of the spring season, yeah I said spring. It will only be a matter of a few weeks before we turn the clocks ahead since they went and changed when we do that now. Before I get ahead of myself, I want to share some of the philosophy that goes into making a great Super Bowl party, and I've been to and thrown many. One thing they all had in common weather there were a dozen people or two guys at the party they were fun. Cerpts of course has been at all of them, so at the two guy party you can figure out the guest list. That was the very first Super Bowl party for Super Bowl XXX way back in 1995; Dallas vs. Pittsburgh. There is always plenty of food, and the games we play are fun and enjoyable even if the actual football game isn't! So now over twelve years later I'm back at it with more games, more food, and more fun. Still working on that half time entertainment, never know if this will be the year we get the stripper. So yes Cerpts, you are invited, but how the hell do you expect an invite to something that you are a foundational (is that a word? well it is now!) part of? Funny, here's the guy who was the Best Man at my wedding (we all know how that turned out don't we folks) and he gets more excited about a stinkin' Super Bowl (I'm gettin' tired of capitalizing that, but you just gotta, man!) party than he was about that day. Of course at the party it won't be 114 degrees and he probably won't be in a tuxedo so I can see his point. Of course one can never tell can one? The traditional Super Bowl Party is probably the least fussy, most unpretentious party you can go to all year. So, there is no point in holding anything back! Go all out and serve everyone's favorite high fat, finger-licking snack foods. After all, the television set is the focal point, not the food. Or is it? Thinking about the traditional party food for this event- chips, sour cream or cheese dips (onion soup dip springs to mind), chili, salsa, Buffalo wings, cheese balls or curls, pizza (the Domino's kind, thank you very much, not the goat cheese and smoked pheasant kind) - I wonder whether these items are served because they're easy to serve and eat while watching the game, or because this has become the one event where Americans can eat their favorite foods without guilt. Men take the lead at this party, and their tastes have set the tone for the snacks as well as the entertainment. So ladies, LET US! Let's all eat what we enjoy and forget about the diet ramifications or culinary trends at lest for one day! The official online invitation to be posted soon!

Lockdown

It's difficult to figure out why I have to be the one to find this stuff, (or hear about it as is the case here) and although a bit late, I still need to share my findings. I originally heard about this on the morning of Christmas Eve this year, did a little research myself, and basically forgot about it. Well, it has resurfaced and so I shall share.

The Caganer - a wholesome and fun Catalan addition to the typical Christmas creche figurine family. The traditional caganer (that's him over there <<<<>>>>>) is an old Catalan man with a red hat and canvas shoes squatting and taking a dump in the manger. Over time, the theme has expanded to include sumo wrestlers, Santa, the Devil, the Pope, Dali, and soccer fans, just to name a few. He is considered a fertility symbol.

In Barcelona there's a temporary market of stalls in the Placa Nova which sell the caganers and a host of other Christmas paraphernalia, including the next member of the Catalan Christmas family: Caga Tio. Caga tio comes in many sizes, but generally looks just like our new friend, sans the pipe. Customs surrounding caga tio differ, but all agree, caga tio means "shit log." (That's the Caga Tio up top ^^^^^)

Here I relay to you what I think is the full blown caga tio ritual.

Fifteen days before Christmas, caga tio makes his appearance in the dining room, where he must be fed at least once every day. He likes oranges, crackers and sweet wine. In some families, caga tio starts small, but grows as the days progress toward Christmas. At some point, caga tio is moved out of the dining room, into the living room, and covered with a blanket to keep him warm. On Christmas Eve, before the traditional Christmas dinner, the kids are sent to their rooms to say three Our Fathers, which gives the elders enough time to stash presents under caga tio's blanket. After their prayers are done, the kids return to the living room and start beating the hell out of poor caga tio with big sticks. And they sing a song. One version goes "Shit, log, shit! If you don't shit well, we will whack you again!" Another goes "Log, log, shit candy! If you don't shit for Christmas, we will whack you once more!" After the children have gotten their fill of flogging the log, the blanket is removed to determine caga tio's state of digestion. Typically, a miracle has occurred, and the log has pooped wrapped gifts, which are called "the shits." Often one of the shits will be something weird, like an egg, to let everyone know that it was the last one deposited by caga tio.

I'm getting one of each fo next Christmas!

The Whole Truth

Happy New Year! Time to continue the "Year In Review" retrospective.

July to December

July 5: North Korea test fires a long-range missile capable of reaching the U.S. Mainland, but just like North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, it fizzles out and falls short (zing!).

July 23: Floyd Landis wins Tour de France.

July 27: While appearing on TV to declare he never used performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis's testicles fall off.

July 31: Fidel Castro temporarily relinquishes power to his brother due to illness. Cubans everywhere take to the streets to pray for their leader's return to health (the soldiers holding automatic weapons aimed at the "grievers" are "accidentally" stationed behind the cameras).

August 10: London police arrest 21 people in connection to an alleged terrorist plot with designs to blow-up US-bound airliners. Alcoholics everywhere join smokers in mourning the loss of their ability to carry their favorite vice with them onto airplanes.

August 11: A resolution to end the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict is unanimously accepted by the United Nations prompting Iran's President to request of his secretary, "Can you print that new UN Resolution for me on two-ply?" Kim Jong-Il reportedly made a similar comment.

August 24: Pluto is demoted to the status of "dwarf planet" more than 70 years after its discovery. Pluto was not immediately available for comment, but lawyers for the Planet have filed a grievance in court requesting the term "dwarf planet" be changed to "circumferencly challenged" or "gravitationally limited."

September 4: Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies. Only one man had the winning Vegas bookmakers "Age-Animal death" combination of "Stingray/Age 44," winning a total of $355,000.

September 10: Seven-time World Champion Michael Schumacher announces his retirement from the sport of Formula 1 for the end of the year. Auto racing fans across Europe celebrated the achievement of one of the greatest drivers in history. Auto racing fans across America continued drinking their Busch Light and perfecting their "how to hit a woman without causing visible signs of bruising" techniques.

September 12: Pope Benedict XVI gives a lecture quoting an ancient criticism of the Islam faith. Muslims around the world get angry and threaten to harm Westernized nations. Naturally, the threat of violence from angry Muslims shocked many Americans and Europeans, prompting this comment from one concerned Arizona man: "Shut up and lower gas prices."

September 19: The Royal Thai Army stages a military coup in Thailand. Thailand's lucrative child-sex-tourism industry remains unaffected.

September 29: U.S. Representative Mark Foley resigns after the revelation of explicit emails he had been sending to underage male pages. Representative Foley was later seen boarding a plane bound for Thailand.

October 9: North Korea claims to have conducted its first ever nuclear test, winning the $10 "who can develop a nuke first" bet Kim Jong-Il had with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad.

October 15: The UN imposes sanctions on North Korea. President Ahmandinejad points and laughs.

October 31: Bob Barker announces his retirement from The Price is Right. Most traumatic day in American History since 9-11.

November 3: Ted Haggard resigns as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after allegations of methamphetamine use and sex with a male prostitute. Guess that one doesn't need a punch line now does it.

November 5: Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity. Immediately after the sentencing, Hussein allegedly was heard muttering the phrase, "I knew I should have hired Johnnie Cochran."

November 8: A transit of Mercury occurs. I have no idea what that means, but because it's scientific and it sounds important I though it might be worth noting in a "Year in Review".

November 21: A gas explosion in a Polish coal mine kills 23 in the season finale of "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"... surprisingly, Fox's most-watched show despite it's disappointing ratings.

December 11: The Holocaust conference is opened in Tehran, Iran by Mahmoud Ahmandinejad the same day a note from President Ahmandinejad is delivered to Korean leader Kim Jong-Il with the phrase, "20 bucks says I can still piss them off enough to invade my country before yours."

December 30: Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is hung for crimes against humanity. Haters of evil around the world celebrated. But perhaps the biggest celebration took place in Hell, where Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Stalin were excited to finally replace Pontius Pilate at their Tuesday night bridge games, explaining, "We're tired of him trying to convince us his one kill trumps all ours combined."

It sure was a kooky year, wasn't it? Here's to making 2007 even crazier!