S.O.S

"That's about the size of it." - C. Rice

Overstating Our Union

We apologize for the inconvenient interruption of your normally scheduled blog, but I couldn't help it. This is the play-by-play of the State of the Union address since it was on every channel except for TBS or Spike and Ultimate Fighter and Seinfeld reruns just wasn't doing it for me last night.

9:04 President is officially announced.

9:10 President makes entrance claims delay was because quote "American Idol is such a damn good show, ain't it Dick? Heh Heh, I said dick."

9:11 News guy tells me that some congressmen (and women) get in early, some as much as three hours early, to get the primo handshake seats for photo ops. Apparently they feel that in two years when I go to the polls I'm going to remember the guy who was on tv for two seconds shaking the President's hand as he walked down the aisle to give his state of the union. Of course I'm not going to remember anything about health care reform or the War on Terror (there's that capitalization trauma I put on myself again). I'll just remember that guy shaking GW's hand. Yeah okay, keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep better.

9:12: I notice the president is wearing a Carolina-blue tie. I hate Carolina-blue. Therefore I now hate George Bush. Is that a demonstration of the properties of a transitive equation? I don't know where that last part came from.

9:15: Fuckers are still cheering. Is this real, or faked? I think the Speaker of the house definitely looks like she's faking it. (By the way, does anyone else think Nancy Pelosi is kinda hot, at least as far as Speakers of the House go?).

9:16: Ooh... Madam Speaker... I love it when you bang that gavel. Let the games begin.

9:17: GW just said aloud he was proud to begin his speech by saying "Madam Speaker." I wonder what he's thinking in his head? If it was Clinton, I'd say I know what he's thinking in his head. "Giggidy, giggidy!"

9:19: I wonder if half the senators need hip replacements after every State of the Union the way they make those old geezers stand up and sit down so much.

9:21: Nancy (the Speaker broad, not Reagan) can't stop blinking. Why is she blinking so much? Does she even realize she's doing it? It's more distracting than the reflection off Dick Cheney's bald spot for Christ sake.

9:22: Guess we're gonna start with that pesky economy thing the prez has to deal with every year. Everyone's clapping because GW wants to balance the budget. That's good news, I guess. Good luck with that, George. I wouldn't trust you to balance my friggin' check book!

9:23: Apparently the Democrats didn't want to applaud Bush when he said he wasn't going to raise taxes. Either the Democrats want to raise taxes (wouldn't surprise me), or they remember the elder Bush saying the same thing. I'm still going to go with the former... Democrats seem to hate rich people.

9:24: Close up on Hillary in her little pink shirt. She looks like she's zoned out. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably wondering if anyone would notice her flicking Barack Obama on the ear. I bet that's why she sat behind him. Speaking of Barack (who the hell named this guy anyway?), does he realize he's automatically at a disadvantage cause of that name. Just change the "B" to an "S" and it's a whole new ballgame folks!

9:25: Senator Kennedy is sleeping. Everyone in Vegas who took under 15 minutes wins.

9:26: I begin to wonder if GW would have been one of the "slower" kids benefiting from "No Child Left Behind" if the program existed when he was growing up?

9:27: Even Dick Cheney doesn't look excited about re-authorizing no child left behind. But come to think of it, I can't remember if I've ever seen Dick Cheney excited about anything, except for that whole shooting his buddy thing. Oh, and by the way last time we checked, his daughter's still a lesbian, and he hates that fact!

9:28: Camera looks to Hillary as the president talks about crappy healthcare. I think she's blushing a little. That's right bitch, no one's forgotten that you're the one who screwed that up. But I still might vote or you.

9:29: I recognize more faces on the field of an arena football game than I do at the floor of the State of the Union. Is that a bad thing? And was that Dikembe Mutumbo (look him up if you need, want, or care to) sitting next to Laura Bush? Couldn't have been. I must be getting tired!

9:30: I think John McCain is winking at the President. Is this some sort of secret code? Or is he actually just winking at Nancy who happens to be behind the President? At least that might help explain all her blinking.

9:31: I swear I just saw Hillary flick Barack Obama in the ear. Did anyone else see that? I can't wait for the presidential primaries next year.

9:33: That looked like the most uncomfortable sip of water I've ever seen. Do you think it was actually written into his speech? You know, like when a pornstar is finished sucking a guy and he's ready to shove it up her fleshy pink pie, but instead he has to spend the next five minutes feasting on the yeast because it's in the script, and it's the most uncomfortable and un-arousing part of the entire scene. And did I just compare the State of the Union to a porno?

9:36: Did I just hear Dub say: "I'd like to announce I am officially hiring Jack Bauer to head our Homeland Security department."? He does know 24 is a tv show, right?

9:38: Nancy, for the Love of God, STOP BLINKING!!!!!! I think it's going to cause me to have a seizure.

9:39: I know he keeps saying Shiite, but it sounds like he's saying Shit. Is the State of the Union really supposed to be this funny? I'm not even drinking. Though next year, remind me to make up a drinking game for it.

9:40: Good news, everyone applauded when GW said we have to protect the American people. I'm glad to know both Democrats and Republicans like protecting the American people. But honestly, I think the line GW used was stolen straight from a conversation I had over the phone the other day with an old high school buddy who happens to be Muslim. Coincidence? Or violation or privacy rights? You decide.

9:41: I think Condoleezza is constipated (or just really scared of the Frankenstein-looking guy sitting next to her).

9:42: John McCain is definitely asleep. But what can you expect? He's a geriatric from Arizona. It's 9:42. This is way past his bed time.

9:44: George Bush says, "Everyone here wishes this war were over and won." This from the same guy who declared victory how many years ago?

9:47: GW uses the word "terrorist" or some variation of it four times in two minutes. In a side note, according to Random House Dictionary, a terrorist is: "a person who terrorizes or frightens others." I wonder, does that mean George Bush is considered a terrorist in Iraq? Methinks yes.

9:50: Haha... Bush just said the word "duties."

9:56: Shit... phone call. I'm back. What did I miss? Nancy still blinking? Check. President still pursing his lips at every pause? Check? Dick Cheney still not breathing? Check. Good, I didn't miss anything.

9:57: Dikembe Mutumbo is sitting next to Laura Bush at the State of the Union. I'm not crazy. And my friend Russell owes me five bucks.

9:58: Why did GW just refer to Dikembe as a "Son of the Congo?" Isn't that an insult? Can I start referring to my black friends as sons or daughters of whatever African nation their ancestors were from? Or better yet, why don't I just start doing it to everyone. My friend Russell will no longer be called Russell, and instead referred to as: "Son of Westchester." Yo, Son of Westchester... where's my five bucks?

9:59: I'm disappointed in myself. I recognized Dikembe right away, but I totally botched the "Julie Aigner, creator of Baby Einstein" call. Oddly enough, I now owe Russell 15 bucks. On a somewhat related note, I knew I wasn't crazy thinking my conversations with Russell have been getting a bit more advanced lately.

10:02: John Kerry just high-tailed it out of that chamber floor faster than a diabetic at the Krispy Kreme factory. I didn't know he could move that fast.

10:04: I think GW just pinched Condoleezza's ass. You lucky, lucky bastard.

10:05: What's the going rate for an autograph from the President of the United States? I just bet Russell, double or nothing, that one of those programs he's signing shows up on Ebay within the next week.

10:06: And that's it for the most exciting hour on television, folks. Tomorrow, it's back to your regularly scheduled program.