The Whole Truth

Happy New Year! Time to continue the "Year In Review" retrospective.

July to December

July 5: North Korea test fires a long-range missile capable of reaching the U.S. Mainland, but just like North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, it fizzles out and falls short (zing!).

July 23: Floyd Landis wins Tour de France.

July 27: While appearing on TV to declare he never used performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis's testicles fall off.

July 31: Fidel Castro temporarily relinquishes power to his brother due to illness. Cubans everywhere take to the streets to pray for their leader's return to health (the soldiers holding automatic weapons aimed at the "grievers" are "accidentally" stationed behind the cameras).

August 10: London police arrest 21 people in connection to an alleged terrorist plot with designs to blow-up US-bound airliners. Alcoholics everywhere join smokers in mourning the loss of their ability to carry their favorite vice with them onto airplanes.

August 11: A resolution to end the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict is unanimously accepted by the United Nations prompting Iran's President to request of his secretary, "Can you print that new UN Resolution for me on two-ply?" Kim Jong-Il reportedly made a similar comment.

August 24: Pluto is demoted to the status of "dwarf planet" more than 70 years after its discovery. Pluto was not immediately available for comment, but lawyers for the Planet have filed a grievance in court requesting the term "dwarf planet" be changed to "circumferencly challenged" or "gravitationally limited."

September 4: Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies. Only one man had the winning Vegas bookmakers "Age-Animal death" combination of "Stingray/Age 44," winning a total of $355,000.

September 10: Seven-time World Champion Michael Schumacher announces his retirement from the sport of Formula 1 for the end of the year. Auto racing fans across Europe celebrated the achievement of one of the greatest drivers in history. Auto racing fans across America continued drinking their Busch Light and perfecting their "how to hit a woman without causing visible signs of bruising" techniques.

September 12: Pope Benedict XVI gives a lecture quoting an ancient criticism of the Islam faith. Muslims around the world get angry and threaten to harm Westernized nations. Naturally, the threat of violence from angry Muslims shocked many Americans and Europeans, prompting this comment from one concerned Arizona man: "Shut up and lower gas prices."

September 19: The Royal Thai Army stages a military coup in Thailand. Thailand's lucrative child-sex-tourism industry remains unaffected.

September 29: U.S. Representative Mark Foley resigns after the revelation of explicit emails he had been sending to underage male pages. Representative Foley was later seen boarding a plane bound for Thailand.

October 9: North Korea claims to have conducted its first ever nuclear test, winning the $10 "who can develop a nuke first" bet Kim Jong-Il had with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad.

October 15: The UN imposes sanctions on North Korea. President Ahmandinejad points and laughs.

October 31: Bob Barker announces his retirement from The Price is Right. Most traumatic day in American History since 9-11.

November 3: Ted Haggard resigns as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after allegations of methamphetamine use and sex with a male prostitute. Guess that one doesn't need a punch line now does it.

November 5: Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity. Immediately after the sentencing, Hussein allegedly was heard muttering the phrase, "I knew I should have hired Johnnie Cochran."

November 8: A transit of Mercury occurs. I have no idea what that means, but because it's scientific and it sounds important I though it might be worth noting in a "Year in Review".

November 21: A gas explosion in a Polish coal mine kills 23 in the season finale of "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"... surprisingly, Fox's most-watched show despite it's disappointing ratings.

December 11: The Holocaust conference is opened in Tehran, Iran by Mahmoud Ahmandinejad the same day a note from President Ahmandinejad is delivered to Korean leader Kim Jong-Il with the phrase, "20 bucks says I can still piss them off enough to invade my country before yours."

December 30: Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is hung for crimes against humanity. Haters of evil around the world celebrated. But perhaps the biggest celebration took place in Hell, where Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Stalin were excited to finally replace Pontius Pilate at their Tuesday night bridge games, explaining, "We're tired of him trying to convince us his one kill trumps all ours combined."

It sure was a kooky year, wasn't it? Here's to making 2007 even crazier!