Relationship Shortcuts
As I've said before, with most problems in life there are easy solutions. A girl I work with talked to me the other day, and gave me tips on how to get in good with the ladies. She made it all sound so complicated, but if you follow my methods, you'll realize it's all really quite simple. The listed tips are what she said. I give you my easy solutions.
Tip #1: Bragging about your sexual abilities gets you nowhere. I'd sooner believe what my friends say about how good a guy is, than what the guy says himself.
Easy Solution: Bribe her friends.
Tip #2: I like a guy who's funny, not perverted.
Easy Solution: Get her high, so she'll laugh at anything.
Tip #3: When you're going to make love to a girl, you have to make an effort to get her in the mood.
Easy Solution: Alcohol
Tip #4: I like a guy who's well read, who understands Shakespeare, Dickens, Orwell, Marx, Weber, Rousseau, Sophocles, etc.
Easy Solution: Coles Notes, Cliff Notes, Sparknotes, or something similar
Tip #5: I want a man who understands my emotions, appreciates inner beauty, has a sense of fashion, a sense of class, knows why I cry during movies... blah blah blah.
Easy Solution: Have a gay friend on speed dial.
Tip #6: Let's be honest, size really does matter.
Easy Solution: On the pretext of being kinky, or to enhance her sexual sensations, have her wear a blindfold before you engage in doing the deed. Then break out a warm cucumber. Note: if she's a pretty loose whore, you might need to use a watermelon instead.
Tip #7: I like a man who respects my independence, who can trust me to go out for a night with just the girls.
Easy Solution: Given girls who are pissed off at their boyfriends are the easiest girls to pick up at the bar, and given also that girls get pissed off at even the smallest things and grumble about them for weeks on end, we can conclude that the second your girl is out of your sight she'll be on top of another guy's dick. So there are three solutions.
A. Every time she asks to go out, slug her a few times. Eventually she'll stop asking. (You could try it but I don't recommend it a lot.)
B. Watch her like a hawk, read her diary, interrogate her friends, hire a private investigator, etc.
C. Since you're girlfriend will probably one day cheat on you, understand that this gives you the freedom to have sex with pretty much any girl who catches your eye. On the off chance that she's not cheating, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Tip #8: You need to respect the sexual needs of a woman. There have been times when I've told a man he can make out with me, but my pants are going to stay on all night.
Easy Solution:The last time I checked, she can still give a blowjob with her pants on.
Tip #9: Sometimes you might be watching a show you like during the same time a show she likes comes on. Let her have the remote.
Easy Solution: Two TV's in separate rooms.
Tip #10: Relationships are tough, they involve trust, sacrifice, mutual respect, and the willingness to support your loved one when they're down.
Easy Solution: Dump her sorry ass and hire a hooker.
4 comments:
#8 is priceless. I am gonna guess that the girl you was talking to is single. . .just a guess.
No actually she's married but I don't know her poor poor husband.
I can honestly say I don't have a problem with any single one of your solutions. A moderate beating never hurt anyone, I always say. I think you've found your new calling in life. Now if we can only stamp out that widespread blight on the American zeitgeist (see I'm well-read) that I like to call the "Princessification" of American women; that is, every little girl thinking she's some sort of Disney Princess entitled to special deference up on a pedestal when she grows up. There was a little thing called Women's Liberation a few years back which stated quite simply that men and women were equal. I'll buy that. Get down off your pedestal, Princess, and join the real world.
Or else you'll get a rap in the mouth. Just so's ya know.
tip #1. are her friends knobbing his cock too? how would they know how good he is?
and yes cerpts, "princessification" needs to stop.
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