"We all go a little mad sometimes." -Norman Bates
I was given a short respite, but it seems the parade has resumed. Today, we have some very rare if not ridiculous monsters to introduce you to. I won't delay the inevitable any longer than I have to. 
First up from Angry Red Planet, we have the infamous Batratspidercrab. Well that's what I call it. You say it a few times as you look at the monster and you'll soon not only agree with me that it should be called a Batratspidercrab but you'll enjoy saying it as much as I do! I can't tell you everything that is wrong with this film but I can tell you a few things. First thing about this movie is during the parts where the astronauts are flying to mars (it only takes them two months to get there, was the rocket made by Lamborghini?) they are walking around the ship as if they were on a movie studio. Oh, well I guess they were but you know what I mean, and the reason they claim is because they are moving so fast under "constant acceleration" that the laws of gravity do not apply. OK, whatever. The Pentagon had screen doors. When the rocket lands it looks exactly like a rocket taking off. Only in reverse. Try not to let the fact that there are palm trees on mars disturb you. The only thing I like about this movie is the Batratspidercrab monster. The 40-foot alien monster was actually a marionette about 15 inches high. The reason the monster looks like it does is because the film was almost released in black and white to cut costs. When a reel of the black and white film accidentally came out double-exposed, showing a shimmering, proto-psychedelic glare, the director chose to have all of the black and white scenes developed that way but tinted purple, because it looked weird enough and it helped camouflage the disappointingly cheap Martian monsters and scenery.
The Creeping Eye or The Crawling Eye or The Trollenberg Terror or whatever you want to call it (it was originally filmed in Europe, the version I saw called it The Creeping Eye on the DVD box but in the credits it was The Trollenberg Terror. Go fig. This thing is actually kinda cool. Too bad the same can't really be said for the movie it got stuck in. If I was this creature, I'd look for a new agent. The Crawling Eyes come down from the Swiss Alps and terrorize the earth. The Eyes hide in the fog-shrouded cloud of mist and kills its victims by decapitation. I guess this is the best darn giant killer eyeball from space movie ever. But how many of them are there? It should be mentioned that this was the inaugural film for Mystery Science Theater 3000. One thing to take away from this film for the rest of your life: Do not open a backpack that is just lying around on a mountainside, odds are there's a head in it.
Well, that's just a picture of a bush. Not the George double U type. Actually, it's The Creeping Terror - Ahhhh! A hideous monster from outer space! It's coming after me, crawling, lurching its way down the hill! Look at it! See how it hungers for my flesh as it drags itself inexorably closer! (Growing bored.) Yup, still coming. Holy Christ, this might be the slowest monster in history. Ever! Some describe the monster as a killer rug and that is pretty accurate. I don't know where the film was supposed to take place, wherever the sun is directly overhead at 5:30 AM is where it was, I just don't know where that happens.
Now, for this one you have to suspend you penchant for disbelief. Just pretend that the following can happen: Giant killer bunny rabbits. In an effort to develop a method of disrupting rabbit reproduction, zoologist Roy Bennett (Stuart Whitman) begins injecting rabbits with hormones and genetically mutated blood resulting in giant man eating rabbits. Now this film has some star power. DeForrest Kelly (yes, from Star Trek, him, not the mustache, see the film if you wanna know what I mean.) and Janet Leigh. But even they can't help this one. I mean c'mon, a horde of giant rabbits? With names like "Babs the Destroyer" and "Ginger the Merciless," how bent on world domination can they be? Night of the Lepus is flawed in many ways. It is entertaining, despite everything (a large bottle of vodka helps even more, right Cerpts?). This is because the movie is presented in a perfectly serious manner. They really wanted to scare or worry people with the possibility that huge rabbits could wreak havoc. I must admit that their true size is hard to ascertain. Sometimes it looks like they might be the size of a mastiff, but in the next scene the furry friggers appear larger than a minivan. Nor does anyone ever explain why they turn carnivorous or what they were eating before the rampage. The amount of food a few hundred giant rabbits would consume is no small matter. I just know that, somewhere lost on the editing room floor, there is a scene with a farmer staring at a thousand acres of ravaged carrots and spinach and wondering, "What in the Hell is going on here?" Either way, the phrase "rabbit in the hen house" just does not have the same ring to it. One thing you can clearly notice is the first objective of any rabbit invasion is to destroy communications. Slaughtering the populace and cutely twitching their noses comes later.
Our final visitor today is The Slime People. Classic b-movies seem almost regal, though sometimes regal is a syphilis laden sovereign slobbering over the decapitated remains of his last wife, just ask the British. (Glad I got that out of my system.) The Slime People are going to conquer the world with an amazing machine that creates a special "slime fog." The slime people are a race of people forced from their subterranean homes due to nuclear testing. Aren't they all? At the end of the movie we find out we have been fooled all along. They are not "slime" people, they are "slug" people. Guess that's why they are easily killed by table salt. The tag line "Up from the bowels of the earth!" was right on the money, but not the way they meant it to mean. Here is my comments while watching the first five minutes of the film: "Well now that's unusual. The first thing we see in the movie is one of the slime people coming up from an underground elevator and another coming up above ground through a manhole. Now that's just bizarre. Most movies make you wait until at least half way through before you get a good look at the creatures. After we see those two emerge, we see a bunch of footprints on the beach leading up to a guy laying there dead with a spear through him. Not sure what that's about but then we get to watch the opening credits with a catchy Pink Panther cartoon type tune playing in the background." Folks, it's a bad sign if you see the monster within the first minute of the film. Don't worry though, you get to see that scene of them coming up from the ground a few times. The exact same scene.
First up from Angry Red Planet, we have the infamous Batratspidercrab. Well that's what I call it. You say it a few times as you look at the monster and you'll soon not only agree with me that it should be called a Batratspidercrab but you'll enjoy saying it as much as I do! I can't tell you everything that is wrong with this film but I can tell you a few things. First thing about this movie is during the parts where the astronauts are flying to mars (it only takes them two months to get there, was the rocket made by Lamborghini?) they are walking around the ship as if they were on a movie studio. Oh, well I guess they were but you know what I mean, and the reason they claim is because they are moving so fast under "constant acceleration" that the laws of gravity do not apply. OK, whatever. The Pentagon had screen doors. When the rocket lands it looks exactly like a rocket taking off. Only in reverse. Try not to let the fact that there are palm trees on mars disturb you. The only thing I like about this movie is the Batratspidercrab monster. The 40-foot alien monster was actually a marionette about 15 inches high. The reason the monster looks like it does is because the film was almost released in black and white to cut costs. When a reel of the black and white film accidentally came out double-exposed, showing a shimmering, proto-psychedelic glare, the director chose to have all of the black and white scenes developed that way but tinted purple, because it looked weird enough and it helped camouflage the disappointingly cheap Martian monsters and scenery. 
The Creeping Eye or The Crawling Eye or The Trollenberg Terror or whatever you want to call it (it was originally filmed in Europe, the version I saw called it The Creeping Eye on the DVD box but in the credits it was The Trollenberg Terror. Go fig. This thing is actually kinda cool. Too bad the same can't really be said for the movie it got stuck in. If I was this creature, I'd look for a new agent. The Crawling Eyes come down from the Swiss Alps and terrorize the earth. The Eyes hide in the fog-shrouded cloud of mist and kills its victims by decapitation. I guess this is the best darn giant killer eyeball from space movie ever. But how many of them are there? It should be mentioned that this was the inaugural film for Mystery Science Theater 3000. One thing to take away from this film for the rest of your life: Do not open a backpack that is just lying around on a mountainside, odds are there's a head in it. 
Well, that's just a picture of a bush. Not the George double U type. Actually, it's The Creeping Terror - Ahhhh! A hideous monster from outer space! It's coming after me, crawling, lurching its way down the hill! Look at it! See how it hungers for my flesh as it drags itself inexorably closer! (Growing bored.) Yup, still coming. Holy Christ, this might be the slowest monster in history. Ever! Some describe the monster as a killer rug and that is pretty accurate. I don't know where the film was supposed to take place, wherever the sun is directly overhead at 5:30 AM is where it was, I just don't know where that happens. 
Now, for this one you have to suspend you penchant for disbelief. Just pretend that the following can happen: Giant killer bunny rabbits. In an effort to develop a method of disrupting rabbit reproduction, zoologist Roy Bennett (Stuart Whitman) begins injecting rabbits with hormones and genetically mutated blood resulting in giant man eating rabbits. Now this film has some star power. DeForrest Kelly (yes, from Star Trek, him, not the mustache, see the film if you wanna know what I mean.) and Janet Leigh. But even they can't help this one. I mean c'mon, a horde of giant rabbits? With names like "Babs the Destroyer" and "Ginger the Merciless," how bent on world domination can they be? Night of the Lepus is flawed in many ways. It is entertaining, despite everything (a large bottle of vodka helps even more, right Cerpts?). This is because the movie is presented in a perfectly serious manner. They really wanted to scare or worry people with the possibility that huge rabbits could wreak havoc. I must admit that their true size is hard to ascertain. Sometimes it looks like they might be the size of a mastiff, but in the next scene the furry friggers appear larger than a minivan. Nor does anyone ever explain why they turn carnivorous or what they were eating before the rampage. The amount of food a few hundred giant rabbits would consume is no small matter. I just know that, somewhere lost on the editing room floor, there is a scene with a farmer staring at a thousand acres of ravaged carrots and spinach and wondering, "What in the Hell is going on here?" Either way, the phrase "rabbit in the hen house" just does not have the same ring to it. One thing you can clearly notice is the first objective of any rabbit invasion is to destroy communications. Slaughtering the populace and cutely twitching their noses comes later. 
Our final visitor today is The Slime People. Classic b-movies seem almost regal, though sometimes regal is a syphilis laden sovereign slobbering over the decapitated remains of his last wife, just ask the British. (Glad I got that out of my system.) The Slime People are going to conquer the world with an amazing machine that creates a special "slime fog." The slime people are a race of people forced from their subterranean homes due to nuclear testing. Aren't they all? At the end of the movie we find out we have been fooled all along. They are not "slime" people, they are "slug" people. Guess that's why they are easily killed by table salt. The tag line "Up from the bowels of the earth!" was right on the money, but not the way they meant it to mean. Here is my comments while watching the first five minutes of the film: "Well now that's unusual. The first thing we see in the movie is one of the slime people coming up from an underground elevator and another coming up above ground through a manhole. Now that's just bizarre. Most movies make you wait until at least half way through before you get a good look at the creatures. After we see those two emerge, we see a bunch of footprints on the beach leading up to a guy laying there dead with a spear through him. Not sure what that's about but then we get to watch the opening credits with a catchy Pink Panther cartoon type tune playing in the background." Folks, it's a bad sign if you see the monster within the first minute of the film. Don't worry though, you get to see that scene of them coming up from the ground a few times. The exact same scene. 
1 comment:
THE ANGRY RED PLANET -- I love that batspidercrabfirehydrant monster. I actually like the entire film -- it's good and STOOPID!!!
THE CRAWLING EYE or THE TROLLENBERG TERROR is actually a very well-made and effective pulp sci-fi horror film. Highly atmospheric, well-acted, fairly well-written and effectively directed. And yes the monster eyeballs are just bizarre enough to be cool! While not as good as the similar British sci-fi horrors of the time (read: Quatermass), it's still a highly entertaining way to spend an hour and change.
THE CREEPING TERROR is actually a very well-made and effective . . . OK, you got me on this one. What a stinker! Of course, if it had ONLY been sponsored by EMPIRE CARPETS!
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS -- You're absolutely right. From first-hand evidence we both know a bottle of vodka helps this movie. But not much. There's nothing good about this movie except the laughter induced.
THE SLIME PEOPLE -- Slimefog?!?!? Sounds like they come from North Jersey. Maybe the Oranges. . .
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