Fave Foto Friday

OK so this is my first shot at getting on Pax's FFF so with that I offer this little entry:

The Creature Walks Among Us!!

That's right, you heard it here first folks, it's official, The Creature really does walk among us! And he might be running for Mayor of Philadelphia, for Christ's sake!! I submit the following pictures as well as the previous film captures as 100% proof that I am not making this up! I present to you Milton Street otherwise known as The Creature!
If that's not proof enough, I have the next one that I like to call "The Snake in the Mailbox" picture. This one was snapped right in my neck of the woods just after he posted bail for being arrested for tax evasion but right before he went on a crazed rampage and killed four innocent bystanders and took one unsuspecting woman hostage (The Creature has a habit of doing this if you have seen the movies.)

In fact after this, I am hesitant to call them "movies" now, they may just turn out to be early documentaries of the rise to power of The Creature. I almost wanna move to Philadelphia so I can vote for whoever has the courage to run against this monster. Somehow I have a bad feeling this may be the beginning of the end. God, if your listening, please help!!

(Some of the facts may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect. In other words, no, he didn't really kill anyone and didn't do any kidnapping either.)

Tale of Two Cities

I told you those stories so I could tell you this one. I told Russell I was going to be including the stories about him in my blog. He was okay with that, then I told him what stories I was going to write about and he was a little bit worried. He knows me pretty well it turns out even though we had not seen or spoken in over 20 years. As it turns out he liked what I wrote (although he remembers some of it differently than I do but hey, it's my blog so I have final word) in fact he sent me an email that after I read it I decided I would edit down a bit and then include here in my blog so you might get a better understanding of Russell. With that in mind I let Russell take over as guest writer.


Cheekies (some names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.-Ed.),
Ok not so bad even tho you got a few things wrong, but I get the editing for dramatic effect and all so I'll give you a passadena. I told you after we left Texas we went to Mass and then Pheonix right? Well let me tell you coming back out here has been culture shock for me, but I am refamiliarizing myself with the area. But I gotta ask you where do you people learn how to drive? From what I can tell this is the handbook they give you when you apply for a liscence here.


NJ Drivers Manual

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

14. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Hope you like that, and hey are most of the people that read your blog thing from NJ?

See ya
Russell


(this ends the guest writer's part of the blog)


All I can say is welcome back and it's our state, get used to it! Also I know why Russell put in #4, he got rear ended doing exactly that very thing a few weeks ago. Um, what's ABS? You're way over my head on this one! For #11 you can thank us later. As for #12, you're goddamn right, I got shit to do, why else are the horns there? The goal in #13 should be everyones, what's the problem? "Flipping the bird", as you put it, is our state bird. Man, do you have a lot to get reaquainted with. Now if you would get registered you could comment on the blog you have now helped create (hint hint).

Live Together, Die Alone

Ok, so here's the story; like I mentioned in my last blog, in the fall of that year, during my junior year of high school, I saw a boy (man? he was 17, you tell me), lose "one of his boys" to the top of a chain link fence very much like the one pictured above in this blog. It was during second period gym class, for that part of the semester the activity was tennis. As I had said the tennis courts were surrounded by the aforementioned chain link fence. It was somewhere in the second week of tennis class, after we had done some fundamentals work and learned grip, stroke, pressure, speed, force, thrust, ... hey, we are still talking about tennis, right? Anyway, all the boring getting to know your racket crap was out of the way and it was time for us to split up into teams and play mixed doubles. We had to split up into guy/girl teams and Kathy Louis was my partner. This kind of has a Rustler connection in that she was the sister of the guy Meg was dating for awhile. His name was Steve, that's all I remember except for the time he got kicked by a horse, maybe you remember that too, Cerpts. But I digest, or something or other. After we picked partners they made a chart for us to play a round robin tournament. As luck would have it, I was actually pretty good at tennis, I was athletic back then. So was Kathy, she was the catcher for the softball team and the goalie for field hockey or maybe it was lacrosse. So, obvious, she was tough. Also later in life a lesbian, but that's not PERT-inent to the story ... or is it? Actually it's not I was just trickin'. So we are playing a match against another team, no idea who the girl was, but the guy was a teammate of mine on the football team, Robert Lee. No his middle name didn't start with an "E" it was Albert. Yeah, I had to ask. He was half Asian and half Puerto Rican. He also sat behind me in English class, this will come into play later. Anyway, back to that fateful tennis match; even though Robert was athletic as well, his partner was not. Kathy and I was doing a pretty good job of kicking their butts when Robert hit a shot back to me. It was one of the biggest lobs I had ever seen. Suddenly my racket seemed to be three times it's actual size, the ball was in slow motion, and we had a pretty big lead. This seemed like a perfect time to do my best Greg Luzinski impression (he was a baseball player on the Phillies back then, I almost said Mike Schmidt, but he's a dick) I wound the racket back and crushed it with a two handed forehand and lifted it up, up, up, and over the chain link fence that was around the tennis court. The number one rule of tennis in gym class was if you sent the ball over the fence you had to go get it. Two teams, one match, one ball. How odd, I should make the last part of that statement, but I'm jumping ahead of myself. Robert looked at me and said "Nice one asshole!". To which I dropped my racket and celebrated with my best "It's outta here!" Harry Kalas impression (he was and still is the announcer for the Phillies, he also does the NFL films commentary now since John Fascenda died a few years back.) So Robert says; "Now go get it." Here's a little more info about the layout of the tennis courts and the offending fence; there was only one door that led onto and off of the tennis courts. The door was two courts down and on Robert's side of the courts. So I replied "C'mon man, you're closer." Apparently Robert had been paying attention during science class or whatever class you are in when you learn the rule that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So instead of going over to the door, exiting the tennis courts, and getting the ball, Robert decides he's going to go over the fence. Now this fence had to be about 10 or 12 feet tall. In the middle of the fence there was a metal pole that was for support that went all the way around the courts. Robert quickly jumped up, used this pole for support as well as a jumping off point for his feet in order to scale the second half of the fence. As he got to the top, where there was no more support, and it was exactly as pictured above, Robert swung one leg over and tried to use the pressure grip method with the toe of his sneaker as he went to swing the other leg over. His toe was about a foot or two from reaching the support bar and I guess he figured his foot would catch it as he slid down. Well, he never had the chance to test this theory however, because as he went to swing the second leg over, his foot other foot slipped. In other words he crotched the top of the chain link fence. All of the air immediately went out of Robert (this wasn't the only thing that would be coming out of my teammate this beautiful October morning), then he started moaning and screaming in agony. I ran over to him and asked if he was alright as I tried to stop laughing. He then informed me that the fence went into his balls. Of course my only answer was "What?", as I felt my own stomach lurch, flip upside down, and then spin back around. He once again informed me, a little louder this time, and with a lot more panic in his voice, that the fence went into his balls. I believe his exact words were: "I think the fence skewered my nut!" I yelled for the gym teacher, Mr. Kelley. He was still oblivious at this point to what was going on and what had happened. He immediately told Robert to get down off of the fence. I told him that I didn't think that was possible. He started walking over and I decided to meet him half way. It was about this time that someone else noticed the blood that was now drenching Robert's white gym shorts, the fence, and even dripping onto the tennis court. I looked back and my brain had a difficult time of processing the information my eyes were transferring to it. As Mr. Kelley asked to nobody in particular, "What the hell happened to him?", I realized my friends blood was all over the fence, and not just any blood, it was nut blood. I then told Mr. Kelley that I thought the fence was in Robert's balls. So he continued to walk towards Robert and told me to go get the nurse, which I did as fast as my fat ass could go. I ran into the school, into the nurses office and quickly blurted "We need you at the tennis courts, Robert Lee's nuts are on the fence. The nurse looked dumbfounded. She asked me if I thought we needed 911, to which I said I thought that might be a good idea. So she called them and then we went back to the tennis courts. In the time it took me to go get the nurse and for her to call 911 everyone except for Mr. Kelley was back in the school. Well, Robert was still there too, duh! I told Mr. Kelley we had called 911 and he told me to go get one of the janitors and see if they could bring out the cherry picker. If you don't know what a cherry picker is I'll try and describe it; it's like a ladder, with a landing and a little compartment for you to stand on,think of one of those little basket type ladder things that are on the PSE&G trucks that they use to raise them up to work on telephone poles. Well, that's what a cherry picker is. The one we had at the school was one you had to push around as it was on wheels. By the time me and two janitors got back to the tennis courts with the cherry picker an ambulance and a cop had arrived. the cop wanted a statement which I had to give him and the paramedics thought the cherry picker was pretty useful idea. So they erected the ladder and one of them climbed up and began to examine Robert who was now quieter than he had been a few minutes prior. Of course that was because he was in shock as the paramedic was quick to point out. That's pretty understandable. Every little movement sent waves of pain through Robert's body to the point he had faded in and out of consciousness a couple of times while perched on the top of the ball piercing fence. Then the paramedic that was checking out Robert said to the other "Call West Jersey, and ask if they want us to cut the fence or extract on the scene." I had no idea what that meant but it didn't sound as bad as it was going to get. Mr. Kelley then told me that when I finished telling the police what happened I could go inside and get ready to go to my next class. Robert then spoke up and said "No, I want him here." Mr. Kelley said it was okay if I wanted to stay and I figured I was partially responsible so it was the least I could do. How I soon wished I had decided to leave then and there. I finished telling the cop what had happened and came over to Robert and told him to hold on they we going to get him down real soon. Now he told me the fence was ripping his ball and his sack. My stomach did it's acrobatics again a little more seriously this time. The paramedic that was on the radio in the ambulance said and I quote "West Jersey said extract on sight and apply pressure packs until arrival.". That didn't sound good I had decided pretty quickly but I tried to make it sound like a good thing to Robert. "They are going to get you down now man.", I told him. He didn't respond, I think he was as close to fainting as he could get without actually doing it. The paramedic who was up on the ladder then gave Robert a needle. Yeah, in the balls! I'm getting queasy just writing this now. Well, apparently "extract on site" meant "take out the testicle and leave it dangling on the fence" because that was what they did. After they lifted Robert off of the fence (a few ounces lighter as well as a pint or two of blood lighter), it took me a few minutes to stop staring at my friends testicle that was now hanging on the fence. It wasn't as big as I had expected nor as round. It kinda looked like a bloody chicken dumpling. The paramedics put Robert on a stretcher and put him in the ambulance. While the one started an iv and got his vital signs (Robert was thankfully unconscious by now either from pain or drugs, I don't know which to this day), the other one removed the destroyed testicle and placed it in a blue bag. On the bag written in large black block letters were the words: Medical Waste. A few minutes ago it was a testicle inside the body of a seventeen year old and now it was "medical waste". I looked at the paramedic and asked him if they could save it and he told me it was almost impossible. So fast forward a week or so and Robert is back in school and he is sitting behind me in English class. I asked him how he was and he said it still hurt some and I apologized and sad I felt like it was my fault which he of course said it wasn't. Then he told me something I never expected him to tell me. He told me he had an artificial nut. It was made out of silicone (just like a breast implant apparently). To which I asked "What?!" And then just for good measure added; "Why?!" The answer was surprisingly convincing, Robert had asked the plastic surgeon for it. Robert felt that later in life when he might be "getting busy", as he put it, he didn't want a girl to be going down there and feeing around and only feel one ball. That was the end of our conversation about his nut, ever. Sometimes I think about it and wonder if they could have put a little zipper in his sack, maybe even like a stint so he could open the sack and close it thereby allowing him to have a variety of different balls to place inside. You know, holiday and special occasion theme balls. A little jingly one for Christmas, one shaped like an egg for Easter. Or maybe even a squeaky one like they put in dog toys. Now there is a conversation piece!

Three Minutes

A few days after the incident at the tennis courts (those tennis courts, months later, would also be the site of the first and only time I saw someone literally loose a testicle on the fence surrounding it, if you don't know the story, remind me sometime and I will tell it, as gingerly as possible of course) Russell's seat in first period English class was empty. I really didn't think anything of it at the time, he had been through enough lately and if he was sick, it was understandable. After English I saw a girl in the hallways who lived a few doors down from Russell, she stopped me in the hall and asked if I had heard about Russell's sister. I told her I had not. That was how I found out she had died. I didn't wait for Russell to come back to school to hear from him what had happened, as soon as I got home I called his house. He answered the phone and I realized I had no idea what to say. Then I remembered what he had told me "Just be my friend."
"Russell, man, it's Chris, look I know you probably don't feel like talking but if you need anything or want to talk to someone, just call."
I didn't want to bother him anymore as I started to feel a little bit embarrassed by the fact that my morbid curiosity was more of the reason I called than out of concern for him and his father.
"That's all I wanted to tell you. Bye." As I started to take the phone from my ear he said "Thanks. I'll be in school Monday." And then we hung up. Now the cold bastard in me, even back then it occasionally reared its ugly head, starting assessing the situation and came up with one solid fact: A mother dying from cancer merited almost two weeks from school, a sister who commits suicide only a few days. But I was in no position to judge. Russell wasn't in school on Monday after all, nor was I, as they had decided the funeral would be held on Monday. I went along with about a dozen other kids I went to school with. The funeral was as most funerals are; sad, morbid, and painfully long. What made this one different was the conversation I had with Russell for a few minutes outside of the funeral home. The funeral was at Bradley's funeral home, some of you might know where that is and it's not important to the story now that I think about it, but anyway, we went outside and Russell motioned for me to sneak around back with him. I figured that meant we were going to have a smoke. We lit our Parliament Lights that Russell supplied and I noticed my friend was more himself than he had been in the last month. He wasn't taking his sisters passing as hard as he had his mothers apparently, then I noticed something even more shocking, Russell was pissed.
"Can't believe the stupid bitch did it." He told me.
"What?" I asked, not believing what I had just heard.
"Kill herself, that was stupid." Russell even began to laugh a little now. Still unbelieving, I remained silent. "She said she was going to do it and I told her she was an idiot to think about it. Said she didn't want to live without mom around."
"Wow, that's rough.", was all I could muster to say.
"I know she took Mom dying and all hard but did she think I didn't?" Russell flicked his cigarette into the tall scrub grass that grew in the back of the funeral parlor where his dead sisters body was lying. "I told her she needed to get a grip and get some help, and not the kind of help that comes from pills in a little orange bottle either, but she didn't listen. She never did"
I was getting uncomfortable with the conversation but I had to stand there and listen, that's what a friend does after all, right?
"She left a note." Russell informed me next. "Sorry Daddy, blah blah blah, I miss Mommy, and I want to go be with her. Blah blah blah." Was basically how the note read , Russell is good at paraphrasing.
"Jesus, Russell, that sucks." I was good at stating the obvious.
"Yeah especially since she won't be seeing Mom now. You don't get there by killing yourself." Russell started to walk back to the front of the funeral parlor. "She was stupid, and selfish. And now I gotta bury her." Russell had grown up more than should be expected of anyone his age in the past few months. I didn't know what this meant for our friendship. As I said, I wouldn't get long to find out either. Two weeks after we finished school for the year, Russell's father was told by his superior officer that he was being reassigned to Texas. On July 5, 1984 Russell and his father moved out of the yellow house in Alluvium Lakes, and out of New Jersey. We said we would write, and for a while, we did. I don't know if it was him or me that failed to eventually respond to the others letter, but it doesn't matter at this point. Now over twenty years later Russell is/was a distant memory. Very distorted, and very foggy. Sort of like the camera angles at this years Superbowl (thanks CBS!). Then a weird set of circumstances led me to Lakeview cemetery in Cherry Hill during the late summer of last year. A coworker's mother died and I went to the funeral. I ended up going to the grave site as well. During part of the funeral at the cemetery, I noticed we were just a few graves down from where Russell's mother and sister were buried. That's when I started to remember all of this story, and none of this would have appeared on my blog, except for the fact that a few minutes after we had all decided it was time to do the "drop the flower on the coffin thing", I saw someone who I thought I recognized standing a little bit away from the group and was near other graves.
It was Russell.
We talked for a while, exchanged phone numbers (he move back out here two years ago, well kind of near here, West Chester Pa. to be exact), hugged and then went on with our day. As I walked back to my car I thought of what a weird coincidence that was, sometimes you're just meant to be somewhere I guess. I gave one last glance back to Russell and the pair of graves. A large bouquet of flowers was on the grave to my left, his mothers grave. On his sisters there was one single rose. For Russell, I guess, some things are hard to forgive.

?

To my friend Russell, with whom I slept, how long has it been since we spoke? Well, if you asked me about six months ago the answer would have been "a really long time". The last time I had heard anything from or concerning Russell (with two "L's" he made sure to tell me when I first met him in the third grade) was the early summer of 1984. I still remember sitting on the front porch of his little yellow house in Alluvium Lakes with his boom box playing our most favoritest songs. When Doves Cry, Dancing In The Dark, and What's Love Got To Do With It blasted from the speakers. Russell had the best boom box of anybody I knew, it had a dual cassette that allowed you to copy directly from one tape to another with just pushing two buttons. That was high tech shit back then man. We went to school together for seven years. His father was a career military man and they, along with his mother and older sister, had moved here from California when he was 8. We ended up going to school together at E. T. Hamilton School somewhere over in Voorhees. I don't know if I could find the school again on a bet, I don't know if it even still exists. Although I still remember where Russell lived. Last time I drove by, the house was still there. It's Tudor Brown now not Lampost Yellow. I still remember that was the name of the paint color that we used when we helped his father paint it back in 1980. It was the year the Phillies won the World Series. That's my thought process on remembering when it was anyway, Russell swears it was 1981. But back to 1984. We were just starting to celebrate finishing our sophomore year of high school, which was the second best year of school, to me, ever, senior year being the best. Not so good for Russell. Around Christmas vacation that year (I guess that would be '83 at this point), Russells' mother found out she had cancer. An inoperable brain tumor the doctors told the family. Of course they were welcome to seek a second opinion if they liked but it would probably be the same result. The prognosis was grim, the cancer was at a fairly advanced stage. They said four to six months. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. They were off by a few weeks. She died Valentine's Day of '84. Russell took it hard. The entire family took it hard. As would be expected. His sister, whose name escapes me, took it even harder. She overdosed on some sort of pills, alas, I can't remember what they were either (I think a sort of sleeping pill), two months to the day that her mother had died. Two thirds of an entire family was gone in the blink of an eye. Russell, who had came back to school at the end of February after his mother passed, was different. He was a lot quieter, a lot more serious, and it seemed, anyway, a lot older. At least more mature. Your mother wasting away in front of your eyes can have that effect apparently. Russell and I were still in three classes together, and we still had that unspoken friendship but we were now distant. Probably caused by my inability to know how to deal with a situation like this. This continued until a few days before his sister would die. Russell was outside at the tennis courts before first period one early April morning smoking a cigarette. This was back then when you could smoke in school, on the property, anyway, and the area around the tennis courts was the appointed area at Eastern Regional High School for smoking. Like I said, we were sophomores and although I played sports, I still smoked occasionally, everybody did back then. I joined Russell at the tennis courts, luckily my bus dropped me off near the smoking area and I was concerned about him, like I was every day, except I noticed who else was around the smoking area, so that made me more worried. Two of the schools biggest bullies were also there. I won't give their names but I still remember them to this day. Funny what sticks in your mind and what falls through the cracks. I could see the look on their faces and they were getting ready to start trouble as I walked up to Russell. I asked him for a cigarette and he handed me a Parliament Light. He smoked them because he liked the recessed filters so that meant, to him anyway, that they weren't as bad for you as the "cowboy killers". That's what he called Marlboros. He handed me one and a lighter. The fact that he carried a lighter impressed upon me the fact that he was a serious smoker, even back then. I didn't carry cigarettes on me let alone matches or a lighter. Now, nearly twenty three years later, he hasn't smoked for almost ten years, I, on the other hand, am good for anywhere between a pack and a half to two packs and even though they are supposed to be "ultra lights", they are of the "Cowboy Killer" variety. Anyway, back to my story. Too late to say "to make a long story short" that option ran out a few sentences ago. The two bullies were seniors, and that meant we were mortal enemies. In the normal high school hierarchy, seniors are always the top dogs. Sophomores, are like the lowliest of the working middle class. The freshman, like the homeless, are there just to show us how bad it could be. For some reason, possibly caused by some rift in the fabric of time, our sophomore class was as big, as bad, and as popular as the seniors. Sure we couldn't drive to school, we didn't have senior study hall, but the one thing we did have that the seniors didn't was we were the winners of Spirit Week. Traditionally, the seniors won this honor and won it walking away. For only the second time in school history had a class other than the seniors won Spirit Week. The first time it happened it was the juniors that won. So this made it even worse. The seniors were, for a while, the laughing stock of the school by the underclassmen and faculty alike. I can remember my teacher telling a senior in science class to be quiet or he would sick a sophomore on him. That senior was now standing near us at the tennis courts, the sophomore the teacher was talking about was Russell. They were making fun of something or other about Russell or me and doing it loud enough for us to hear. Russell heeled out his smoke and glared at the two idiots. "Shut up, assholes." He told them. That was all they needed. One of them asked "And what if we don't? You gonna run home and cry to Mommy?" That would have been enough for Russell, but before it even had time to register and for that switch to flip, the other one added; "Oh that's right, you can't cause you're Mommy's dead!" Yelling as he got to the end of the unbelievably hurtful statement. The switch that had already been flipped, now blew a fuse. Russell went beserk. For what seemed to me to be about five seconds, only long enough for me to get out "That's really f...." the "...ucked up" part of the sentence only one of them could have heard because with one punch the bullies numbers had been cut in half. At least the conscious ones were cut in half. Russell knocked out the first one, "Mr. Runhomeandcrytomommy", with one wild swing. A noise I had never heard from a human being, let alone anything living, exploded out of Russell. I don't think Russell purposefully targeted him first, I think just the unlucky draw of being the first one Russell reached was all it took for him to be the first to suffer the pent up rage Russell now released. It wasn't just the words they said that got the reaction. It was the fact that Russell just needed an excuse. He had no one to release the rage upon, until now. The force of the blow caused Russell to fall back himself, into the chain link fence around the tennis courts, head first. The fact that a rough section of fence tore a gash big enough that would later require fourteen stitches to close didn't stop Russell from now going after "Mr. Causeyourmommysdead". Unlike his buddy, "Mr. Causeyourmommysdead" didn't go down after one punch. It took three. The two morons, got up and left as I tried to attend to my hurt friend. Although, he had "won" the fight, blood was pouring down his face. I was in a panic. Luckily this was the time when those paisley bandannas were in style. You know the ones that nearly everybody had back then. I had a red one in my back pocket and I used it to start tying to stop the bleeding. Russell cringed and jumped back. He shoved me away and said "Ouch, don't man, I'm okay." To which I replied; "Then Russell, I don't know what to do for you, tell me what I can do for you!" I don't know if the question was meant to be as deep as Russell took it, I admit I was almost in tears when I asked it so he might have thought I meant it differently, but I don't think I asked it the way he answered it. He stood there looking at me, blood now drenching the collar of his grey "Member's Only" jacket (remember those?) turning it black. He fell to one knee and just started to sob as he answered me. "Just be my friend man, just be my friend." And that's what I did until the summer of '84 when his father got the orders he was being reassigned to a base in Texas.

To be continued...

Two For The Road

An Open Letter To The Guy That Works At The Gas Station

Dear Sir,

First allow me to begin by saying I am not a person who usually complains about the blue collar working man and/or woman, especially those that have to deal with customer service issues. I deal with people myself on a daily basis seeing as I work in retail. I know as well as the next guy that the normal paying customer can be a pain in the ass with a world of aggravation and some to spare. This, however, does not give you the right to provide me with horrendous customer service and expect me to accept and pay for said service without opening my mouth. I don't know where you are from, I assume though, from your accent you don't get choked up from hearing a rousing rendition of Born In The USA. Actually I don't either although I can assure you I am a true red, white, and blue-blooded American son of a bitch and if you knew my mother you would know I speak the truth. Since I am one-quarter Native American Indian I am truly one of the very first of the original gangstas. Even though my heritage is lost, watered down, or otherwise MIA, mostly due to the fact that after that first fateful Thanksgiving all the Indians decided they now wanted to become members of the Fakahwe tribe (you know the ones that walked around the Midwest for years asking "Where the f*ck are we?), I still deserve to be treated as a valued customer. If the shoe was on the other foot and you pulled into my gas station I would have served you differently than you did me. I feel that I need to note here that although I did say "my gas station" I do not really think it is in fact your gas station. I mean if it is, that's cool, in fact it might be better if it is since there is no way you will still be open and operating come Mother's Day with the type of customer service you are offering. But I digress. Oh, that means I got lost in my own thoughts and wandered off the subject, but I assure you I will not leave you dragging through this quagmire any longer than I need to. Oh, again I apologize, a quagmire, is, well, never mind just forget it. You do, after all, have customers you need to ignore and argue with, now don't you. As I was saying, let's reverse the situation and make you the customer and I will put on the crooked hat with the bent up rim of "Gomer Pyle: Pump Jockey". The first thing I would have done as soon as I was able to is I would have approached your car window and said something to the effect of "Hi, can I help you?" and then waited for you to tell me the amount and type of gas you wanted me, Gomer Pyle: Pump Jockey, to stick down you automobiles waiting gullet. As you can see I, unlike you, would not have continued the conversation I was having with the other guy at the station. Which brings me to a question, was he a new hire and were you training him? Because if so, I hope I was the example of what not to do. Anyway, let's say you wanted the same type and amount of gas I did, so after you told me that you required me to dispense twenty (20 see that's what that number looks like) dollars of regular petrol I would have removed your gas cap, removed the nozzle from the pump, put in 20 on the preset dial (which by the way comes in real handy and I suspect you might be using that little feature a little more in the future;). Then I would have placed the nozzle in the cars tank tube and began to give Malibu Barbie (that's my cars name you uncivilized man beast) a little drinkie pooh. Having done all of this correctly would have resulted in me getting twenty dollars of gas, instead the pump continued to pump until my little flirt on wheels was all filled up. Before you say anything, I know that is a lot of things to do and remember but no one held a gun to your head when you applied for the job, now did they? If they had told you all of this at the interview perhaps you would have opted for the brain surgeon career, that might have been a little easier. I guess you didn't notice me trying to get your attention, I mean I only waved at you, banged on my window, and flashed the crisp twenty dollar bill at you. Of course, how could you see me, you were still talking, still oblivious, and still stupid. You exited your little douche bag aquarium and when you walked by my car I informed you that I only asked for twenty to which you replied "Twenty?". Here's a little exercise I want you to do, do it a few times if you need. Ask anybody else who might be in the room with you to participate as well, it might help and make this easier. What I want you to do is say these two things to yourself - "Twenty dollars" and "Fill it up" and tell me do they sound the same? The easy answer here is no, they don't, not in any language. Now we had a problem. Many years ago, for a few months, I too worked at a gas station. Hey, times were hard so shut up! During those few months I never over pumped, not once, not even by a penny. You know why? Because I used the preset numbers on the pump, idiot. Of course if I had ever over pumped I would not have complained, argued, or whined about it. All of which you did, even going as far as tell me you were going to call the police and report me for theft of $3.55 of gas. Now I don't know if you did write down my license plate number like you said and called the police but I do know this; if I get a knock on my door and have to answer questions about the "Three dollar bandit" this won't be the last you hear from me. I know where you work, at least for now you do anyway. After I left and thought about it for a little while I realized I would have done something different and no it wouldn't have been to give you the money so it didn't have to come out of your pocket as you were so quick to point out. I don't care, and yeah by the way, I did have it on me. So you got punked. But as I was saying, the one thing I would have done differently is if I had known you were going to pump my car until it was full regardless of how much I asked for, I would have only asked for ten bucks! So when your paycheck is three and a half bucks lighter than usual let this be a lesson to you. Listen to the customer, and do what they ask you to do, it is, after all, only your job. Oh, and the other thing, don't fuck with the Cheekies! And next time you best squeegee my windows if you know what's good for you!

S.O.S

"That's about the size of it." - C. Rice

Overstating Our Union

We apologize for the inconvenient interruption of your normally scheduled blog, but I couldn't help it. This is the play-by-play of the State of the Union address since it was on every channel except for TBS or Spike and Ultimate Fighter and Seinfeld reruns just wasn't doing it for me last night.

9:04 President is officially announced.

9:10 President makes entrance claims delay was because quote "American Idol is such a damn good show, ain't it Dick? Heh Heh, I said dick."

9:11 News guy tells me that some congressmen (and women) get in early, some as much as three hours early, to get the primo handshake seats for photo ops. Apparently they feel that in two years when I go to the polls I'm going to remember the guy who was on tv for two seconds shaking the President's hand as he walked down the aisle to give his state of the union. Of course I'm not going to remember anything about health care reform or the War on Terror (there's that capitalization trauma I put on myself again). I'll just remember that guy shaking GW's hand. Yeah okay, keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep better.

9:12: I notice the president is wearing a Carolina-blue tie. I hate Carolina-blue. Therefore I now hate George Bush. Is that a demonstration of the properties of a transitive equation? I don't know where that last part came from.

9:15: Fuckers are still cheering. Is this real, or faked? I think the Speaker of the house definitely looks like she's faking it. (By the way, does anyone else think Nancy Pelosi is kinda hot, at least as far as Speakers of the House go?).

9:16: Ooh... Madam Speaker... I love it when you bang that gavel. Let the games begin.

9:17: GW just said aloud he was proud to begin his speech by saying "Madam Speaker." I wonder what he's thinking in his head? If it was Clinton, I'd say I know what he's thinking in his head. "Giggidy, giggidy!"

9:19: I wonder if half the senators need hip replacements after every State of the Union the way they make those old geezers stand up and sit down so much.

9:21: Nancy (the Speaker broad, not Reagan) can't stop blinking. Why is she blinking so much? Does she even realize she's doing it? It's more distracting than the reflection off Dick Cheney's bald spot for Christ sake.

9:22: Guess we're gonna start with that pesky economy thing the prez has to deal with every year. Everyone's clapping because GW wants to balance the budget. That's good news, I guess. Good luck with that, George. I wouldn't trust you to balance my friggin' check book!

9:23: Apparently the Democrats didn't want to applaud Bush when he said he wasn't going to raise taxes. Either the Democrats want to raise taxes (wouldn't surprise me), or they remember the elder Bush saying the same thing. I'm still going to go with the former... Democrats seem to hate rich people.

9:24: Close up on Hillary in her little pink shirt. She looks like she's zoned out. I wonder what she's thinking about. Probably wondering if anyone would notice her flicking Barack Obama on the ear. I bet that's why she sat behind him. Speaking of Barack (who the hell named this guy anyway?), does he realize he's automatically at a disadvantage cause of that name. Just change the "B" to an "S" and it's a whole new ballgame folks!

9:25: Senator Kennedy is sleeping. Everyone in Vegas who took under 15 minutes wins.

9:26: I begin to wonder if GW would have been one of the "slower" kids benefiting from "No Child Left Behind" if the program existed when he was growing up?

9:27: Even Dick Cheney doesn't look excited about re-authorizing no child left behind. But come to think of it, I can't remember if I've ever seen Dick Cheney excited about anything, except for that whole shooting his buddy thing. Oh, and by the way last time we checked, his daughter's still a lesbian, and he hates that fact!

9:28: Camera looks to Hillary as the president talks about crappy healthcare. I think she's blushing a little. That's right bitch, no one's forgotten that you're the one who screwed that up. But I still might vote or you.

9:29: I recognize more faces on the field of an arena football game than I do at the floor of the State of the Union. Is that a bad thing? And was that Dikembe Mutumbo (look him up if you need, want, or care to) sitting next to Laura Bush? Couldn't have been. I must be getting tired!

9:30: I think John McCain is winking at the President. Is this some sort of secret code? Or is he actually just winking at Nancy who happens to be behind the President? At least that might help explain all her blinking.

9:31: I swear I just saw Hillary flick Barack Obama in the ear. Did anyone else see that? I can't wait for the presidential primaries next year.

9:33: That looked like the most uncomfortable sip of water I've ever seen. Do you think it was actually written into his speech? You know, like when a pornstar is finished sucking a guy and he's ready to shove it up her fleshy pink pie, but instead he has to spend the next five minutes feasting on the yeast because it's in the script, and it's the most uncomfortable and un-arousing part of the entire scene. And did I just compare the State of the Union to a porno?

9:36: Did I just hear Dub say: "I'd like to announce I am officially hiring Jack Bauer to head our Homeland Security department."? He does know 24 is a tv show, right?

9:38: Nancy, for the Love of God, STOP BLINKING!!!!!! I think it's going to cause me to have a seizure.

9:39: I know he keeps saying Shiite, but it sounds like he's saying Shit. Is the State of the Union really supposed to be this funny? I'm not even drinking. Though next year, remind me to make up a drinking game for it.

9:40: Good news, everyone applauded when GW said we have to protect the American people. I'm glad to know both Democrats and Republicans like protecting the American people. But honestly, I think the line GW used was stolen straight from a conversation I had over the phone the other day with an old high school buddy who happens to be Muslim. Coincidence? Or violation or privacy rights? You decide.

9:41: I think Condoleezza is constipated (or just really scared of the Frankenstein-looking guy sitting next to her).

9:42: John McCain is definitely asleep. But what can you expect? He's a geriatric from Arizona. It's 9:42. This is way past his bed time.

9:44: George Bush says, "Everyone here wishes this war were over and won." This from the same guy who declared victory how many years ago?

9:47: GW uses the word "terrorist" or some variation of it four times in two minutes. In a side note, according to Random House Dictionary, a terrorist is: "a person who terrorizes or frightens others." I wonder, does that mean George Bush is considered a terrorist in Iraq? Methinks yes.

9:50: Haha... Bush just said the word "duties."

9:56: Shit... phone call. I'm back. What did I miss? Nancy still blinking? Check. President still pursing his lips at every pause? Check? Dick Cheney still not breathing? Check. Good, I didn't miss anything.

9:57: Dikembe Mutumbo is sitting next to Laura Bush at the State of the Union. I'm not crazy. And my friend Russell owes me five bucks.

9:58: Why did GW just refer to Dikembe as a "Son of the Congo?" Isn't that an insult? Can I start referring to my black friends as sons or daughters of whatever African nation their ancestors were from? Or better yet, why don't I just start doing it to everyone. My friend Russell will no longer be called Russell, and instead referred to as: "Son of Westchester." Yo, Son of Westchester... where's my five bucks?

9:59: I'm disappointed in myself. I recognized Dikembe right away, but I totally botched the "Julie Aigner, creator of Baby Einstein" call. Oddly enough, I now owe Russell 15 bucks. On a somewhat related note, I knew I wasn't crazy thinking my conversations with Russell have been getting a bit more advanced lately.

10:02: John Kerry just high-tailed it out of that chamber floor faster than a diabetic at the Krispy Kreme factory. I didn't know he could move that fast.

10:04: I think GW just pinched Condoleezza's ass. You lucky, lucky bastard.

10:05: What's the going rate for an autograph from the President of the United States? I just bet Russell, double or nothing, that one of those programs he's signing shows up on Ebay within the next week.

10:06: And that's it for the most exciting hour on television, folks. Tomorrow, it's back to your regularly scheduled program.

The Official 2007 Super Bowl Party Online Invite

Dave

Well, seeing as how the Eagles shot their collective wad when they went and lost in the Big Sleazy, (I still say the fix was in!) it means I now get to turn my attention to the Super Bowl. Super Bowl XLI, to be exact. Another one where the best part of it will be the commercials and of course the party that comes with it. That also includes the people there, I'm lookin' at you now Cerpts and, hell, Fink too if his little "ball and chain" he calls a fiance will let him come out for the party. In fact, bring her too since I ain't got the chance to check her out yet. Oh and Cerpts, since I could only come up with the blueberry buckle part of your request, I thought maybe this pic of Mrs. Monaghan would suffice. A short pause while we take another gander at her ... ahh ... that's good eatin right there. OK, back to your normally scheduled blog entry. The week of the Super Bowl will be an awesome week this year. Read on for actual proof. We got the Super Bowl on Sunday February 4th, we got the second half premier of the winter or spring or whatever the frigg they are calling this next bunch of Lost episodes on Wednesday the 7th, then the next night the 8th we have the new season of Survivor starting. This season is in Fiji. This of course is not mentioning the usual collection of Boob Tuberific programming that I also enjoy on a daily basis. The Super Bowl party is gonna make for a great way to kick off the beginning of the spring season, yeah I said spring. It will only be a matter of a few weeks before we turn the clocks ahead since they went and changed when we do that now. Before I get ahead of myself, I want to share some of the philosophy that goes into making a great Super Bowl party, and I've been to and thrown many. One thing they all had in common weather there were a dozen people or two guys at the party they were fun. Cerpts of course has been at all of them, so at the two guy party you can figure out the guest list. That was the very first Super Bowl party for Super Bowl XXX way back in 1995; Dallas vs. Pittsburgh. There is always plenty of food, and the games we play are fun and enjoyable even if the actual football game isn't! So now over twelve years later I'm back at it with more games, more food, and more fun. Still working on that half time entertainment, never know if this will be the year we get the stripper. So yes Cerpts, you are invited, but how the hell do you expect an invite to something that you are a foundational (is that a word? well it is now!) part of? Funny, here's the guy who was the Best Man at my wedding (we all know how that turned out don't we folks) and he gets more excited about a stinkin' Super Bowl (I'm gettin' tired of capitalizing that, but you just gotta, man!) party than he was about that day. Of course at the party it won't be 114 degrees and he probably won't be in a tuxedo so I can see his point. Of course one can never tell can one? The traditional Super Bowl Party is probably the least fussy, most unpretentious party you can go to all year. So, there is no point in holding anything back! Go all out and serve everyone's favorite high fat, finger-licking snack foods. After all, the television set is the focal point, not the food. Or is it? Thinking about the traditional party food for this event- chips, sour cream or cheese dips (onion soup dip springs to mind), chili, salsa, Buffalo wings, cheese balls or curls, pizza (the Domino's kind, thank you very much, not the goat cheese and smoked pheasant kind) - I wonder whether these items are served because they're easy to serve and eat while watching the game, or because this has become the one event where Americans can eat their favorite foods without guilt. Men take the lead at this party, and their tastes have set the tone for the snacks as well as the entertainment. So ladies, LET US! Let's all eat what we enjoy and forget about the diet ramifications or culinary trends at lest for one day! The official online invitation to be posted soon!

Lockdown

It's difficult to figure out why I have to be the one to find this stuff, (or hear about it as is the case here) and although a bit late, I still need to share my findings. I originally heard about this on the morning of Christmas Eve this year, did a little research myself, and basically forgot about it. Well, it has resurfaced and so I shall share.

The Caganer - a wholesome and fun Catalan addition to the typical Christmas creche figurine family. The traditional caganer (that's him over there <<<<>>>>>) is an old Catalan man with a red hat and canvas shoes squatting and taking a dump in the manger. Over time, the theme has expanded to include sumo wrestlers, Santa, the Devil, the Pope, Dali, and soccer fans, just to name a few. He is considered a fertility symbol.

In Barcelona there's a temporary market of stalls in the Placa Nova which sell the caganers and a host of other Christmas paraphernalia, including the next member of the Catalan Christmas family: Caga Tio. Caga tio comes in many sizes, but generally looks just like our new friend, sans the pipe. Customs surrounding caga tio differ, but all agree, caga tio means "shit log." (That's the Caga Tio up top ^^^^^)

Here I relay to you what I think is the full blown caga tio ritual.

Fifteen days before Christmas, caga tio makes his appearance in the dining room, where he must be fed at least once every day. He likes oranges, crackers and sweet wine. In some families, caga tio starts small, but grows as the days progress toward Christmas. At some point, caga tio is moved out of the dining room, into the living room, and covered with a blanket to keep him warm. On Christmas Eve, before the traditional Christmas dinner, the kids are sent to their rooms to say three Our Fathers, which gives the elders enough time to stash presents under caga tio's blanket. After their prayers are done, the kids return to the living room and start beating the hell out of poor caga tio with big sticks. And they sing a song. One version goes "Shit, log, shit! If you don't shit well, we will whack you again!" Another goes "Log, log, shit candy! If you don't shit for Christmas, we will whack you once more!" After the children have gotten their fill of flogging the log, the blanket is removed to determine caga tio's state of digestion. Typically, a miracle has occurred, and the log has pooped wrapped gifts, which are called "the shits." Often one of the shits will be something weird, like an egg, to let everyone know that it was the last one deposited by caga tio.

I'm getting one of each fo next Christmas!

The Whole Truth

Happy New Year! Time to continue the "Year In Review" retrospective.

July to December

July 5: North Korea test fires a long-range missile capable of reaching the U.S. Mainland, but just like North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, it fizzles out and falls short (zing!).

July 23: Floyd Landis wins Tour de France.

July 27: While appearing on TV to declare he never used performance enhancing drugs, Floyd Landis's testicles fall off.

July 31: Fidel Castro temporarily relinquishes power to his brother due to illness. Cubans everywhere take to the streets to pray for their leader's return to health (the soldiers holding automatic weapons aimed at the "grievers" are "accidentally" stationed behind the cameras).

August 10: London police arrest 21 people in connection to an alleged terrorist plot with designs to blow-up US-bound airliners. Alcoholics everywhere join smokers in mourning the loss of their ability to carry their favorite vice with them onto airplanes.

August 11: A resolution to end the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict is unanimously accepted by the United Nations prompting Iran's President to request of his secretary, "Can you print that new UN Resolution for me on two-ply?" Kim Jong-Il reportedly made a similar comment.

August 24: Pluto is demoted to the status of "dwarf planet" more than 70 years after its discovery. Pluto was not immediately available for comment, but lawyers for the Planet have filed a grievance in court requesting the term "dwarf planet" be changed to "circumferencly challenged" or "gravitationally limited."

September 4: Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dies. Only one man had the winning Vegas bookmakers "Age-Animal death" combination of "Stingray/Age 44," winning a total of $355,000.

September 10: Seven-time World Champion Michael Schumacher announces his retirement from the sport of Formula 1 for the end of the year. Auto racing fans across Europe celebrated the achievement of one of the greatest drivers in history. Auto racing fans across America continued drinking their Busch Light and perfecting their "how to hit a woman without causing visible signs of bruising" techniques.

September 12: Pope Benedict XVI gives a lecture quoting an ancient criticism of the Islam faith. Muslims around the world get angry and threaten to harm Westernized nations. Naturally, the threat of violence from angry Muslims shocked many Americans and Europeans, prompting this comment from one concerned Arizona man: "Shut up and lower gas prices."

September 19: The Royal Thai Army stages a military coup in Thailand. Thailand's lucrative child-sex-tourism industry remains unaffected.

September 29: U.S. Representative Mark Foley resigns after the revelation of explicit emails he had been sending to underage male pages. Representative Foley was later seen boarding a plane bound for Thailand.

October 9: North Korea claims to have conducted its first ever nuclear test, winning the $10 "who can develop a nuke first" bet Kim Jong-Il had with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad.

October 15: The UN imposes sanctions on North Korea. President Ahmandinejad points and laughs.

October 31: Bob Barker announces his retirement from The Price is Right. Most traumatic day in American History since 9-11.

November 3: Ted Haggard resigns as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after allegations of methamphetamine use and sex with a male prostitute. Guess that one doesn't need a punch line now does it.

November 5: Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death by hanging for crimes against humanity. Immediately after the sentencing, Hussein allegedly was heard muttering the phrase, "I knew I should have hired Johnnie Cochran."

November 8: A transit of Mercury occurs. I have no idea what that means, but because it's scientific and it sounds important I though it might be worth noting in a "Year in Review".

November 21: A gas explosion in a Polish coal mine kills 23 in the season finale of "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"... surprisingly, Fox's most-watched show despite it's disappointing ratings.

December 11: The Holocaust conference is opened in Tehran, Iran by Mahmoud Ahmandinejad the same day a note from President Ahmandinejad is delivered to Korean leader Kim Jong-Il with the phrase, "20 bucks says I can still piss them off enough to invade my country before yours."

December 30: Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is hung for crimes against humanity. Haters of evil around the world celebrated. But perhaps the biggest celebration took place in Hell, where Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Stalin were excited to finally replace Pontius Pilate at their Tuesday night bridge games, explaining, "We're tired of him trying to convince us his one kill trumps all ours combined."

It sure was a kooky year, wasn't it? Here's to making 2007 even crazier!

Maternity Leave

A belated happy b-day to the big guy up there. Seeing as how Sunday is the last day of two-double-O-six and Monday being the first day of two-doube-O-upside -down-and-backwards-L, these two days seem like an appropriate time to join every other major media outlet and offer a retrospective on the last Year of the Dog until 2018. Yes, International Asperger's Year (designated as such to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr. Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome) has provided us with some jolly laughs and even jollier heartaches. Granted, the ball hasn't dropped yet, but it seems the only thing we've missed out on is a good one-liner disaster... you know, one of those horrendous events that will, for the next 50 years, be associated with a specific word or phrase, like Katrina, 9- 11, or Mike Tyson. For funsies, let's take a retrospective moment to remember those things our collective American short attention spans have already forgotten about.

[Cue cheesy yet oddly inspiring music...]

January 3: 12 deceased coal miners and one survivor were discovered in the Sago Mine Disaster, effectively tripling West Virginia's tourism revenues for the year and helping launch the state's new catch phrase: "West Virginia Isn't For Coal Miners."

January 5: A hotel in Mecca collapses, killing 76 pilgrims, or as President Bush would prefer to call them, "Evil Doers."

January 14: A natural gas explosion in a coal mine kills eight in Romania, eventually leading to a copyright infringement lawsuit on the "Romania Isn't For Coal Miners" slogan the country tried to adopt after the disaster.

January 22: Kobe Bryant scores 81 points in a regulation NBA game, officially doubling the entire season points output for the 2006 Oakland Raiders.

Februrary 8, 9:43 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a Grammy Award.

Februrary 8, 9:44 PM: Hell freezes over.

Februrary 8, 9:57 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a second Grammy Award. Februrary 8, 9:58 PM: Satan abdicates his throne.

February 11: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face before moving into the recently vacated position of Dark Prince and Ruler of the Underworld.

February 19: Sixty-five miners become trapped underground after an explosion at the Pasta de Conchos mine in Nueva Rosita, Mexico. All 65 die in episode three of 2006's least watched realty television series, Fox's "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"

February 22: The 1 billionth song is purchased from the Apple iTunes Store, prompting Steve Jobs to make his highly controversial, "Suck it, Bill Gates!" statement, a quote the media took way out of context.

March 3: The first World Baseball Classic opens, eventually resulting in the humiliation of the United States and finalizing the demise of baseball in the very country that claims it as its National Past Time.

March 5: Reese Witherspoon wins the Oscar for Best Actress, but the reflection of the sun off new Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney's head keeps Hell from freezing over again.

April 11: President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmandinejad confirms that Iran has successfully produced a few grams of 3.5% low-grade enriched uranium. After the media firestorm, he sentences 27 members of the Iranian press to death for "Not properly photoshoping my giant nose so it doesn't look so Jewish."

May 1: The Great American Boycott takes place across the United States as illegal immigrants all over the country skip work in a protest for immigration rights. The only noticeable result: lawns across America were slightly longer than usual when the immigrants reutrned to work to cut them the next day.

May 9: Another mine disaster... this one in Australia. Mexico's body count still leads all contenders.

June 19: The Carolina Hurricanes defeat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. For many people, this news was the first indication that the NHL strike was over, and that North Carolina had a professional hockey team.

Happy New Year's Eve! Make sure to check in tomorrow for July to December... Now I got a Dreamcicle calling my name... My fourth actually.

Rumsfeld

This is just too funny!

One of Them

This is all your fault my dear Cerpts! Although it was a long road to get my list together for this blog it was an even longer road for yours. So here is a list for you to go through, you know what to do with the copy and pastin stuff!


Barry Manilow Weekend in New England
Johnny Cash Sunday Morning Coming Down
Patsy Cline She's Got You
Beatles Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/End
Kingston Trio Wimoweh (Mbube)
Ray Charles America The Beautiful
Beastie Boys Sabotage
Moody Blues The Question
Doors Moonlight Drive
Neil Diamond I Am...I Said
The Who Happy Jack
Rod Stewart Some Guys Have All The Luck
Tom Jones Delilah
Cat Stevens Wild World
Bread Diary
Cream/Derek And The Dominoes/Eric Clapton Wonderful Tonight
Billy Joel Say Goodbye to Hollywood
Eagles Heartache Tonight
Van Halen Little Guitars
Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here
John Denver Annie's Song
Abba Waterloo
Bee Gees I Started A Joke
Blue Oyster Cult (Don't Fear) The Reaper
Renaissance Carpet Of The Sun
Hall And Oats Don't Hold Back Your Love
Heart These Dreams
Bonnie Raitt Have A Heart
Rush Tom Sawyer
Meatloaf You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
Alanis Morisette Uninvited
Dusty Springfield Son Of A Preacher Man
Buffalo Springfield For What It's Worth
Rick Springfield April 24th/My Father's Chair
Bruce Springsteen Bobby Jean
Journey Stone In Love
Willie Nelson Pancho And Lefty
AC/DC Who Made Who
Bob Segar Like A Rock
Billy Idol Cradle Of Love
U2 Bad
Air Supply Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
Bon Jovi Silent Night (no, not the Christmas song!)
Kate Bush Under Ice
Madonna True Blue
Ozzy Osbourne Old L.A. Tonight
George Michael/Wham Different Corner
Beach Boys Don't Worry Baby
Guns N Roses November Rain
Indigo Girls Galileo
Red Hot Chili Peppers The Zephyr Song
Radiohead Creep
Dave Matthews Don't Drink The Water
Blink 182 Miss You
Greenday Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

The Long Con

20 ways the world would be different if men ran things.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in vodka or schnapps flavors.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same although it would be celebrated 4 times a year.

5. Garbage would take itself out.

6. Regis and Kathie Lee (or who whoever his partner is this week) would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. Two words... Free Sex.

11. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again, ever.

12. Every man would get a real Get Out of Jail Free card per year.

13. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

14. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

15. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

16. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

17. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

19. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and land right in your car.

20. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

21. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

22. 21 would be an acceptable number even though you said 20 but thought of one more right before you posted your blog

Fire + Water

Ok I know I said I would have a review of the rest of the first few fall episodes of Lost but I haven't yet. So what? Instad I have a really cool list I found it is the top TV catch phrases of all time. Some I agree with some not so much. Seewhat you think. Oh and they are listed alphabetical which yu woud have figured out sooner or later anywho but I figured I'd tell you first.

Aaay (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
And that's the way it is (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
Ask not what your country can do for you ... (John F. Kennedy)
Baby, you're the greatest (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
Bam! (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
Book 'em, Danno (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
Come on down!(Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
Danger, Will Robinson (Robot, "Lost in Space")
De plane! De plane! (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
Denny Crane (Denny Crane, Boston Legal")
Do you believe in miracles?(Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics
D'oh! (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
Don't make me angry ... (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
Dyn-o-mite (J.J., "Good Times")
Elizabeth, I'm coming!(Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ...(Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
God'll get you for that(Maude, "Maude")
Good grief" (Charlie Brown, Peanuts" specials)
Good night, and good luck (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
Good night, John Boy ("The Waltons")
Have you no sense of decency? (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
Heh heh (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart "The Daily Show")
Here's Johnny! ( Ed McMahon"The Tonight Show")
Hey now!(Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
Hey hey hey! (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
Hey hey hey! (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
Holy (whatever), Batman! (Robin, "Batman")
Holy crap!(Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
Homey don't play that! (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
How sweet it is! (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
How you doin'? (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
I can't believe I ate the whole thing (Alka Seltzer ad)
I know nothing! (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
I love it when a plan comes together (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
I want my MTV!(MTV ad)
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ... (Larry, "Newhart")
I'm not a crook ..." ( Richard Nixon' )
I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
I'm Rick James, bitch! (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
Is that your final answer?" ( Regis Philbin"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
It keeps going and going and going ... (Energizer Batteries ad)
It takes a licking ...(Timex ad)
Jane, you ignorant slut" ( Dan Aykroyd "Saturday Night Live")
Just one more thing ... (Columbo, "Columbo")
Let's be careful out there (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
Let's get ready to rumble!(Michael Buffer, various sports events)
Live long and prosper(Spock, "Star Trek")
Makin' whoopie (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
Mom always liked you best (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
Never assume ... (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
Nip it! (Barney Fife, "The Andy Show")
No soup for you! (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
Norm! ("Cheers")
Now cut that out! (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
Oh, my nose! (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
One small step for man ... (Neil Armstrong)
Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?(Grey Poupon ad)
Read my lips: No new taxes! (George H.W. Bush)
Resistance is futile (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
Say good night, Gracie (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
Schwing!( Mike Myers "Saturday Night Live")
Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy (Lloyd Bentsen)
Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids (Trix cereal ad)
Smile, you're on `Candid Camera' ("Candid Camera")
Sock it to me("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
Space, the final frontier ... (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
Stifle! (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
Suit up (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
Tastes great! Less filling! (Miller Lite beer ad)
Tell me what you don't like about yourself (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
That's hot" ( Paris Hilton "The Simple Life")
The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
The tribe has spoken(Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
The truth is out there(Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
This is the city ... (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
Time to make the donuts ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
Two thumbs up(Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
Up your nose with a rubber hose (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
We are two wild and crazy guys! ( Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
Welcome to the O.C., bitch (Luke, "The O.C.")
Well, isn't that special?(Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
We've got a really big show! (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
Whassup? (Budweiser ad)
What you see is what you get! (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
Where's the beef? (Wendy's ad)
Who loves you, baby?(Kojak, "Kojak")
Would you believe?(Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
Yabba dabba do!(Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
Yada, yada, yada("Seinfeld")
Yeah, that's the ticket( Jon Lovitz' as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
You eeeediot! (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
You look mahvelous!" ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
You rang?(Lurch, "The Addams Family")
You're fired! (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
You've got spunk ...(Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show)

How many do yo remember?

Rockin' In The Free World 11/17/06 U-Jam

Wow this would have been awesome to see live but probably even better 15 years ago!

Star of Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble Gobble till you wobble!

The Hunting Party

Figuring Shit Out

It's a simple fact of life that because we eat, we shit. The act of consumption and the act of defecation are indelibly linked to the whole (no pun intended) of any living organism. In the normal context, we humans are corpse eaters. We digest the dead into its base components for sustenance, and once those base components have been stripped of any caloric/nutritional value whatsoever, those components are ejected from our bodies. In some cultures, the ritualistic eating of one's enemies was meant to give the eater that enemy's strength, both physically and spiritually. Christ was very aware of the practice of cannibalism, and, in an effort to avoid being consumed by his brethren, invented Communion (it wouldn't do to wind up in Heaven with bite marks, now would it?). Our bodies make shit out of the once living. Our bodies serve to create vulgar masterpieces, and there are only two senses required in the art. In the symbolic context, everything living consumes with all their functioning senses. Each sense, if functioning as designed, devours the raw material of everyday life and existence, digests it in the brain, and the end result is just a prettier form of shit delivered by thought, speech, pencil, keystroke, brush, hammer blow, or gesture; fertilizer for the observer, reader, sufferer, lover or patron on which to grow and survive. At this juncture shit becomes tolerable, manageable, palatable. It might even be referred to as "good shit," though in practice the term "good shit" would seem a contradiction of terms.

Now that's some hot shit... or is it?I've always had a problem with someone that says something "tastes like shit." I assume what the person saying the phrase really means is that something smells the way he/she imagines shit tastes. The reason humanity developed a sense of smell was to avoid eating something infested with the bacteria of rot and decay. Perhaps one of our distant ancestors ate a piece of bad fruit and got the shits, so the primordial brain wiring got together and said "You know, if we could sniff out the bad stuff we could avoid all that cramping and the green apple two-step, and we won't lose all that ass hair from the constant wiping," so it was in the organism's best interests to not only sharpen the olfactory sense, but hotwire it to the gag reflex. I reckon the reason human-kind managed to survive its early history was because of its ability to eat damned near anything, and damned near anything also included carrion as well as veggies. Thank God for gas grills and electric can openers, eh? Now, if I could only understand how farts figure into the scheme of life.

Somethings wrong with Kate

Pee drinker and strap on wearer extroidinare

Close to Burnout!

RIP Jack

The 23rd Psalm

Well here we are, only six weeks into the new season of Lost and we have a 13 week hiatus. Now let me tell you this past Wednesday night I was all ready to watch the last episode I would ever watch of Lost. Well, I was woefully wrong. The one thing the produces and writers have done (aside from pissing off a lot of viewers as well as loosing some as well) is make a show that for some reason or ... eh-hem... "other" is watched on the edge of your seat (hey, we'll sell you the whole thing but you'll only need the edge!). So, let's recap what we have found out or not found out so far this season ... well not a whole lot actually. In the first episode we are given our "holy shit this made waiting the entire summer worth it" moment. The others live on the island in a little utopian society and we see the plane crash. Remember this season is titled the season of the others. Meaning they will become a larger story line if not the forefront of most story lines. So who is Henry/Ben (we'll call him Benry) to Juliette (we'll call her the hot chick)? What did they do to K/S/J? Why do they all have bandaids on their arms? To knock them out? Blood tests? Truth serum?
Is Tom/Mr.Friendly gay? To Kate: "You're not my type." Maybe not even human? Can we trust Juliette, even is she is hot? Maybe not. The second episode, we find out Jin isn't a murderer but Sun most definitely is. And for a war veteran Sayid comes up with some crappy ideas sometimes. Yeah let's dock where you know they have been recently and use the boat as bait and then wait for them in the jungle far away from the boat and also far away from the pregnant woman. Good plan. Back to the cages, exactly what do they have Kate and Sawyer doing? My guess is it's just hard labor to keep them busy and tired. Fisrt episode was ok I give it a 8 if it's in the middle of the season but considering I had to wait 13 weeks for it I drop it to a 7. Second episode was no better, this one only gets a 6 for me, possibly the worst episode of the short fall season. Now episdoe 3, the Locke episode and yes, I know we have had different points of view on this one. Some hated it I loved it, I give it easily an 8. Some thoughts on the episode; Why couldn't Locke talk? So after taking some of his hooka paste he goes on some sort of a vision quest with the spirit of Boone. It must be bad so far this season, I was glad to see Boone! Ok on to the vision quest, Boone tells us that Claire, Charlie, and Aaron will be ok for a while, when he sees K/J/S he says you can't help them ... yet. Guess he means he is going to help them, at least at some point, aparently in the last 2/3's of the season. So Locke has to clean up his mess, meaning Eko, hmmm, this could be an odd sort of thing to say, more on this later. Big revelation comes when we find out Desmond can see or has seen the future. A la the Philadelphia experiment. Ahh at the end of episode 3 we meet Nikki and Paulo or as I like to call them "fodder for the death mill". I don't wanna get out my soap box, ok I guess I do. I do not and will not accept these two new characters. Here we are supposedly sixty some days into this story and all of a sudden the writers say "oh yeah, we are running out of characters to give story to so here's two new people who have been here the whole time we just didn't tell you about them yet", bullshit! Now I'm not usually a purist but I don't accept this. It's a cop out and in fact they could have used Rose and Bernard for these parts so far this season, so why do we need new characters? I can't imagine there is a real good reason for it, guess we will see but I can't see me accepting them any time soon. Even if Nikki does have a nice rack. Even as the episode ends we se Desmond throwing rocks out to sea looking worried (?) and/or crazed (?). Probably about the direction this show is taking. Get the shark out I think they are about to jump. More recap and some thoughts on the rest of this "story arc" as the writers have called it tomorrow. Everyone have a fish biscuit and a good nap.

Only two more years to go

What Kate Did

Kate gets rescued!!!

...And does a lite version of a phone sex dating line? What is going on over on that island?

Collision

Well, seeing as how we have closed the Halloween segment of the year, and seeing that it is Wednesday, we got ourselves a Lost night. Only two to go before the B.S. fourteen week holiday hiatus. Well, according to previews for tonight that I saw on ABC earlier this afternoon tonight someone dies! More specifically one of the survivors dies. Guess we will find out if I was right or not about my list of people dying. Inside sources tell me I was wrong, wayyyyyyyyyyyy wrong with who my guess is on who dies. If you wanna know highlite the following text otherwise you can watch tonight and be surprised that is if my sources are correct. Other than that have a great night and be prepared for a huge in depth Lost recap next week.

Looks like our big buddy Mr. Eko is the one to bite the dust tonight. This episode is his back story and could wrap up his "story". Other facts leading to the belief he is dying tonight is the fact that right now as you read this the final episodes of the season are being filmed and the actor who plays Eko (you know I can't spell) has not been in Hawaii for nearly 8 weeks. He is also the guest on Regis and Kelly tomorrow a la Michelle Rodriguez who played Anna Lucia she also was on Regis and Kelly the day after she was killed off. We shall see, I mean it bodes well for my boy Sawyer not being the one offed but Mr.Eko might also be one of my favorites in the show. If you don't count the new Paolo and Nikki who are quickly becoming my new favs. In case you can't tell I'm being sarcastic. I want them in body bags!