A belated happy b-day to the big guy up there. Seeing as how Sunday is the last day of two-double-O-six and Monday being the first day of two-doube-O-upside -down-and-backwards-L, these two days seem like an appropriate time to join every other major media outlet and offer a retrospective on the last Year of the Dog until 2018. Yes, International Asperger's Year (designated as such to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr. Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome) has provided us with some jolly laughs and even jollier heartaches. Granted, the ball hasn't dropped yet, but it seems the only thing we've missed out on is a good one-liner disaster... you know, one of those horrendous events that will, for the next 50 years, be associated with a specific word or phrase, like Katrina, 9- 11, or Mike Tyson. For funsies, let's take a retrospective moment to remember those things our collective American short attention spans have already forgotten about.[Cue cheesy yet oddly inspiring music...]
January 3: 12 deceased coal miners and one survivor were discovered in the Sago Mine Disaster, effectively tripling West Virginia's tourism revenues for the year and helping launch the state's new catch phrase: "West Virginia Isn't For Coal Miners."
January 5: A hotel in Mecca collapses, killing 76 pilgrims, or as President Bush would prefer to call them, "Evil Doers."
January 14: A natural gas explosion in a coal mine kills eight in Romania, eventually leading to a copyright infringement lawsuit on the "Romania Isn't For Coal Miners" slogan the country tried to adopt after the disaster.
January 22: Kobe Bryant scores 81 points in a regulation NBA game, officially doubling the entire season points output for the 2006 Oakland Raiders.
Februrary 8, 9:43 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a Grammy Award.
Februrary 8, 9:44 PM: Hell freezes over.
Februrary 8, 9:57 PM: Kelly Clarkson wins a second Grammy Award. Februrary 8, 9:58 PM: Satan abdicates his throne.
February 11: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney shoots his friend in the face before moving into the recently vacated position of Dark Prince and Ruler of the Underworld.
February 19: Sixty-five miners become trapped underground after an explosion at the Pasta de Conchos mine in Nueva Rosita, Mexico. All 65 die in episode three of 2006's least watched realty television series, Fox's "Which Country Can Have the Worst Mining Disaster?"
February 22: The 1 billionth song is purchased from the Apple iTunes Store, prompting Steve Jobs to make his highly controversial, "Suck it, Bill Gates!" statement, a quote the media took way out of context.
March 3: The first World Baseball Classic opens, eventually resulting in the humiliation of the United States and finalizing the demise of baseball in the very country that claims it as its National Past Time.
March 5: Reese Witherspoon wins the Oscar for Best Actress, but the reflection of the sun off new Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney's head keeps Hell from freezing over again.
April 11: President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmandinejad confirms that Iran has successfully produced a few grams of 3.5% low-grade enriched uranium. After the media firestorm, he sentences 27 members of the Iranian press to death for "Not properly photoshoping my giant nose so it doesn't look so Jewish."
May 1: The Great American Boycott takes place across the United States as illegal immigrants all over the country skip work in a protest for immigration rights. The only noticeable result: lawns across America were slightly longer than usual when the immigrants reutrned to work to cut them the next day.
May 9: Another mine disaster... this one in Australia. Mexico's body count still leads all contenders.
June 19: The Carolina Hurricanes defeat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. For many people, this news was the first indication that the NHL strike was over, and that North Carolina had a professional hockey team.
Happy New Year's Eve! Make sure to check in tomorrow for July to December... Now I got a Dreamcicle calling my name... My fourth actually.
